AN UTTERLY SPECIOUS AUTOBIOGRAPHY

as told to some guy

That's my dad's tie up there. He worked at a PowerTie kinda job, until he decided to pack it all in and join a convent. I haven't seen him in 25 years, but I hear he and the Sisters of Perpetual Motion are very happy. Mom says they put on a Spring Follies last year, and my dad got to play the ingenue role. We were so proud.

This was me before puberty. I never had all that many friends growing up, and I had this ratty old black wig I used to wear, just so I'd look like a different person. Sad, really. Now, of course, I know that wigs don't make you a different person. Surgery does.

Despite a childhood pathetically normal in every way, I grew to be an artist and musician. A vocalist. Some people call that being a "chick singer" but those aren't people I hang out with much. I'm a vocalist, that's my story, and I'm sticking with it.

But a girl does have to get married sometimes. This was the guy who got me. A little short, a little dumpy, a little flightless -- but hey, who isn't -- he showed up at my door already dressed for a wedding. I figured, hmft! why not! like I'm going to get a lot of better offers?

This was our business. We probably could have done a whopping biz if only my stupid husband hadn't blanked out the number like that. I liked doing the spanking. I was really best at that. I practiced on hubby.

After the divorce, I went back to my first love.  No, not Gary Gilmore! Field Hockey.

 .....I did call Gary, but he never answered his phone. Every day I called. He never answered. Ted didn't either. Ya know, that's the trouble with dating mass murderers: they're so bleepin' paranoid. I suppose it's possible those guys were caught. I never read a paper...

So this guy's been calling me lately. Whaddaya think? Look stable? Personally, I think the little hood is just adorable! Kinda like Weird Al Yankovic trying to make his hair behave. Sayyy...am I sure that isn't Weird Al?  Hmmmm... Anyway, I can't get him to use an answering machine either.

I'll bet you wanna go HOME now?
And doncha wanna make-a comment? Then Do It!
This many piggies went to market.