A Memo To Teachers
By Candice D.
Date: May 10, 1999 To: All Teachers From: Diana Shraun Subject: New Precautions Dear Teachers, I am sure that by now you have heard about the Houston Incident. Sadly, these kinds of things can happen anywhere. I am also sure you have seen much of the coverage on every single channel that is on the television. You have most likely seen all the specials about everything remotely related to the incident. It was a horrible tragedy. Many people died, and hundreds more were injured. Millions of us were affected. This establishment has been graced with the blessing of not having any of these problems yet. I emphasize the word “yet.” AS I have stated before in this memo, this horrible incident can happen anywhere in this world. We must do all we can to PREVENT it. Thus, the School Board has sent me the following new precautions, effective immediately. This is a direct effect of the Houston Shooting: 1)All blank white cotton T-Shirts and blue jeans are hereby banned from this school. The suspects wore this to school everyday, including the day of the shooting. If you see someone wearing this combination, do not approach them directly. Instead, call up security and they will be picked up right away. This student is a possible threat. 2)Pizza shall no longer be served at school. It has been discovered that the suspects ate pizza before they came to school. Now there are ongoing studies that have determined that the combination of oils. spices, cheeses, and tomato sauce found in most pizzas may make an adolescent hostile. 3)The backpack brand known on the street as “Jansport” is not allowed to be brought into the school. This is the brand of choice for the two suspects. This is the bag that held their guns, pipe bombs, and knives. For fear of copycat carriers, this precaution must be taken seriously. 4)The music known commonly by its artist, Mozart, is hereby banned. Yes, I know this is a shocker, for we have always treated Mozart as a wonderful form of art. It has deceived us. Several tapes and CDs were found in the suspects’ lockers, bags, homes, and cars. Apparently they were great fans of his work. However, it has been scientifically proven that this music (and other forms of it) can stimulate the brain greatly. This stimulation can bring forth subconscious thoughts that may be harmful. 5)Nike shoes can no longer be worn to school. The suspects wear Nike shoes. On the day of the attack, they wore their Nike Air Jordans as they ran through the halls wreaking havoc. This is not the first time Nike has been connected to something awful in our society. It has been found through special investigations that Nike is manufactured through unlawful child labor in third world countries. Also, the members of the Heaven’s Gate Cult all wore Nike shoes in a uniform style. As you recall, they all killed themselves. Please teachers, this is not a joke. This is a serious situation that we have found ourselves in. As I look around, I see many of these violations already in the school. We think we are safe. We think that these are not warning signs. But we aren’t safe, and these are warning signs.