Nomination

Dan, it is your work. It is darned good so I decided to public it on my page with trifle alternations. So if you have something against this noble idea write me without ceremony.

(Edited by Coldheels)

We saw "The Kid Cotton Blues Band" at a bar in Tallahassee over the

weekend. They were so bad it was painful.

Dawns and Precipices. Risks. Stabs into never-ending shadow. Coulda Shoulda Woulda. Zigged when I

shoulda zagged. Diana Gloria. The University of California at San Diego. Peoria. Fumbling with blouse

buttons outside of the Meat Beat Manifesto Show at the Milk Bar, trying to decide whether I should get a hotel

room with this married woman or not (what can I say, eventually I got spooked and bailed on the whole thing)

Wayne Gretzky walking past me into the locker room before the game in Tampa. That girl at Niagara

University who said everything to me except "come back to my place..."

Sometimes things get by you.

Sometimes you just flinch.

Take your eyes off the road for a second, blink during the taking your yearbook photo.

I make the same resolution every year, resolving to change and improve my life to noble. But if you don't get there, no big whoop?

It gets me used to not following through. It helps create a sense of security against the consequences of not

living up to your own standards.

I guess, I think goals you set for yourself should help you to move forward, and not clean up the messes you

leave behind yourself. We're humans. Sometimes the only way we can learn things is oblivion. Other

animals don't make resolutions. You don't see a lemming sit up on new years eve and say "I am not going to

jump off the cliff this year with you guys. I want to make something of myself." And even if you did hear a

lemming say this, the chances are pretty good that a couple of months later, that same lemming will be

plummeting to his death, muttering to himself "Dammit, I can't stick to anything. Oh well, maybe next year..."

SPLAT

You shouldn't make resolutions to fix holes in the boat. Try instigate revolutions and shake up your

whole way of thinking. That is train of thought that is needs fixing.

Lemming Resolution (10 years back)

I must get my ex-girlfriend back.

I had been in a different world since dropping out of college. I still tried to hold on to some things from the past,

but I had created a new place for myself. I hung out with the bands I worked with. I killed time at the Bad Boy

Club, wound down at the Doll House, and got into the Milk Bar free with a nod from the doorman. In my world I

was captain. I went where I wanted to go, and hung with people I wanted to hang with. But I still tried to hold on

to one thing. Still tried to win back one thing from the past that I had lost. Then one drunken night at the height of

my inebriation I came up with a resolution, and a master plan. I met Brooke for lunch one afternoon. I hadn't

seen her in almost a year. I thought about her a lot, but she used to have a real skill for disappearing when she

wanted to.

We met at Regency Square. Her hair was radically shorter than when I had last seen it. Straighter too. It was

striking. She had a deep tan at the time, and she was wearing clothes that showed it. It had been a long time

since I last saw her. She was stunning. Somehow I played it cool. I really believed that we could pick it right up

where we had left off. I set up this lunch with that very intention in mind. I took her around the place, and we

caught up on old times and shopped a little. My buddy Brian hooked us up with free coffee at Barnies. We

went to Wolff Camera, where an old friend (old flame) named CC worked. Wolff camera had this photo booth

that would take normal full sized color snapshots. CC was going to let me use her employee discount for the

pix. I mean, this was the pearl harbor of the "get the girlfriend back" plans. I had coconspirators, I had locations

It's sorta funny when I look back on it... but I think it tells you something about the way that the loss of this

relationship sometimes affected me. My motivations for going to the photo booth were honest. I didn't have

any pictures of Brooke. When we broke up, she managed to take back the ones she had given to me. I wanted

a picture of us. Besides, the photo booth was fun. Hamming it up for the camera. Laughing and tickling each

other. We looked down at our shoes and clicked off a picture. We looked up at the ceiling and snapped off a

photo. We looked off in opposite directions, and the shutter snapped.

The camera beeped to let us know it was ready for another picture, and we looked right into each other eyes.

Straight on. The tips of our noses were almost touching. We held that stare. The picture was taken, but we

didn't hear the shutter. I looked deep into her eyes. Tried to search inside them, looking for something I thought

I had lost inside there. She stared back hard. I could hear her breathing. A pit formed in my stomach. I was

doing my best to stay calm, but I was shivering. All the while, a voice in my head was laying into me.

Kiss her...

Kiss her NOW.

Frozen moments. Precipices. It seemed to last a lifetime. All it needed to spend time with her and sort of remind her of what a charming guy I was. But this moment in the photo booth. Face to Face. Totally unexpected. Spontaneous. Electric. It was a scene right out of a movie. All I had to do was turn my head a little. Close my eyes. All I had to do was to listen inside me. One Kiss. Only One Kiss. One honest moment would washing away all the awkward sincerity of the afternoon. Everything I had done. All the things I had missed in our relationship. One kiss. Only one hard, breath stealing confession of a kiss.

The moment lingered. I looked in her eyes. Tried to see that the tension I was feeling was there in her sight as

well. Looking for that spark. That green light. There was a static charge to the air in that booth. There was

something there between us...

She broke the stare, turned her head, and moved on to another pose, another picture.

It was over.

It had never been more over.

Up until just recently, I always thought of that I had quailed. Some sort of scruples made stepping back. Made me feel sour for not taking her into my arms and putting the whammy on her. But another part of me knew. There was electricity, but the spark never came. Her eyes didn't long for us. She might have missed my touch, but it wasn't worth going back.

Sometimes when I haven't thought about anything related to anything in a long time, I will be thrust back into old times by a scene from a movie, or an old photograph. What I need to learn to do is savor it for a moment, accept it as history and go on with my life. I really shouldn't write about Brooke anymore. It's so much a part of the past. So unconnected with my life as it is now. It was 10 years ago, and it's OVER. What I always seem to end up doing is giving it more time than it deserves. Turning it over in my mind, and letting other memories come back into the fold with it. And then once it all gets churning, I let it pull me down. And I make damn sure I pull everyone around me down as well.

Resovolution

In 1999, I will not live in 1989 anymore.