19.May.99
Today she left me. She said she will reside in other place in next two weeks without leaving me her address.
Today is the worst day of my 26 years old life. I knew from the start of our meeting she would leave me. I was scared but we keep fragile connection. I called her at least one time in half year. I had her phone number and it was thin but vital thread to me. From now I will have nothing to keep in touch with her.
All these three years I was tortured but I had a ground under my feet. I'm scared. I'm really scared.
She would ring up someday, she says but I don't believe her. She rung me up not one time whole last year. It was I who tried to reach her.
I knew I will loose her but we were together in some way, I felt her near me even through months of her absence. From now my life never be the same. Some one will say Time is great healer, but I know people who never were cured by it. And I'm 26. And she was 26 and I'm scared.
She even didn't try to solace me to make it less hurtful to me. It is just all in ordinary way to her. Whole age there and now - out.
What is the bitter thing she doesn't release me. (And it's true I don't want to be released).
I will try to buy to her mobile phone, I will try to be a normal man and to find my own wife to me. But I just don't believe in it, I'm too resentful and scared from callowness of life.
Ours destines were so interwoven! Gosh!
All our life every its moment is an edge of razor. Every step is crucial and painful.
In my young days I hit a bee with my first shot from air gun from six steps "from thigh" position . I know such luck never comes twice. (And I was really young!!!)
(From the morning I listen Russian singer Zemfira and her "Arivederchi", I didn't know anything in that time.)