Poetry's evil twin

Lame disclaimer: We apologize profusely to all good poets everywhere for what you are about to read.  

First up is a combination parody. Two poems are involved, Warning, by Jenny Joseph, and The Purple Cow, by Gelett Burgess. In fact, we liked this one so much, we are posting two of them, by two different authors.

Warning, Purple Cows!

When I am an old cow, I shall be purple.
With gold eyes and a necklace of pearls.
And wear my hooves golden, and my horns also,
And sit on a shelf above the counter, and look cute.
And because I am purple, I will say
There is no way I'll make good butter.

You can drill three holes in your ceramic head
And shake salt onto things;
Or have a head that unscrews and inside you can put sauces.
It's like having a terrible shirt
That no one wants you to wear
But that you really really like.

But perhaps I should practice a little now,
And turn just a bit mauve
And wear only one or two pearls here or there.
So no one will be too surprised
When I am old, and start to turn purple.

--Christin Keck
 

Another Cow Warning!

When I am an old cow, I shall be evil.
With flashing hooves and a necklace of spikes.
And wear my eyes glowing, and my horns sharp,
And sit menancingly behind a fence in a field, and say "Moo You!"
And because I am a cow, it will be easier
For me to get away with robbing a liquor store.

You could drill holes in my shaggy head
And fill me full of Prozac;
But still my  head will spin three-hundred-and-sixty degrees.
It's like having a bovine demon
That no one can really believe in
But that sounds like a cow in a barrel.

Perhaps I should practice a little now,
And grow my horns a little longer
And let my eyes glow just a little bit red.
So no one will be too surprised
When I am evil and grow to the size of a Federal Express truck.--

(With most abject apologies to Christin Keck and Jenny Joseph)
--Kay Thompson (Ms. Nomer)

I think that I shall never be free
From that vile verse about the tree.
A tree whose figurative anatomy
Must cause it constant agony.
A tree that shades my car all day,
And drips sap, to my great dismay.
Doggerel is made by cynics like me,
But only dogs can like that tree.

-TJ
 

(to the tune of "Silver Thread and Golden Needles)

Silver needles and golden fillings
   Cannot mend my mouth again
My gums are made of plastic
   My teeth are porcelain
Though you may say my teeth
    Are very pretty and so white
Just like the sta-HARS A ba-huv
   My teeth come out at night

--Robert Stevenson
Swinging Singing Snapper
 

The Rime of the Hapless Mariner

It is a Seattle reliever
and he saveth one of three
Says Johnson to the bullpen
Will you ever save one for me?

-- Bob

 Ten Cents A Word

(duh, to the tune of 'Ten Cents A Dance')

Ten cents a word, I write for ten cents a word,
     Though I might try to be a little funny if you're willing to pay twenty
          I can even be dirty, yup, you gotta to pay thirty, but
Ten cents a word, I won't go under ten cents a word.
     I draw the line at one thin dime, since, I don't mean nine cents
         I'd rather pay house rent, than live in a pup tent
Ten cents a word, I write for ten cents a word, I'll write what
     Ever melts your butter, it can be about your mother
         I can write a bumper sticker if it makes your heart beat quicker

Ten cents a word... ba-dum-bump

--Robert S. Stevenson (LesGoBucks)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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