I, like most people tend to be a walking contradiction.  I am complex, and I value simplicity.  I'm incredibly unorganized, and I value structure.  I keep very much to myself, and up until now have shared little of myself with anyone else, and yet I value openness and honesty.  I haven't always been honest; but its something I strive for now, not as a short lived fad but as a goal for life: I want to always be true to my words.  I value strength, I have little, I value grace, I have less, I value courage, and I have none.  But I will find them.  I never wear make-up, but I used to.  One day I was arguing with this girl who insisted that I was a scank, and poor.  She started by pointing out that I had gotten my shirt at Wal-mart, but she was wrong, the whole outfit came from Wal-mart.  And I wasn't wearing any make-up that day so she insisted that I didn't wear make-up because I was too ugly to wear it.   I couldn't even comment on that, it had to be the most ridiculous thing I had ever heard; not to mention the fact that it was coming from a girl with bleach blond hair, having make-up layered on her face who wouldn't have been caught dead in something less-than designer.  I mean if I'm the ugly one why is she the one completely covering up her face, and changing her hair color.  I don't have anything against people that do that, but the way I see it if she wanted to cover up her face she could have saved some money and worn a paper bag over her head.  I'm afraid I have an inability to take people like that seriously.  But something positive did come out of the situation.  It made me think, Why do girls wear make-up; I mean I know presentation  can be important, and perhaps to attract that special someone.  But these girls would sooner wear a paper bag over their head than no make-up at all; now does that seem to suggest a sense of shame, or fear.  They're probably beautiful beneath all that crud but its not a beauty their eyes can see.  So now when people ask me about it, I say "Make-up can't change me, it can only cover me up"  I'll always recognize me when I look in the mirror, a less than perfect person, whose perhaps not exquisitely beautiful; but true beauty comes from the inside.  And if you're exquitely beautiful on the inside; it'll shine through so brightly that all the make-up in the world won't be able to improve on it a bit.  I've seen that in people before, and every time I look in the mirror I remember that thats what I want to be, and I'll work to improve the within until thats what I become.  Someone worth looking at.

Anyways, a bit about my religious views...  In case you don't already know, I'm not religious in the traditional sense, in fact in the traditional sense you could call me anti-religious.  Now unfortunately a lot of people equate anti-religion with anti-christ, satanism, and other disgusting stuff like that.  Well I'm none of those things and I'll respect your religious views as long as you respect mine.  I won't openly challenge your views, unless you start it.  "Start it" basically means telling me my views are wrong, and I've discovered that people have a couple ways of doing that.  They may openly tell you you're wrong, casually start a conversation about their religion and perhaps begin comparing it to other views (in a negative way), or ask you about your religion, listen to your views, and then commence to tell you "the Truth."  Now, I don't mind people talking about their religion, but compare it to mine and your asking for it: Rainbough's entire speel on why religion is wrong.  And I have been there (religious) so there is no biblical story or argument that you could present that I haven't probably already heard, and can easily present a counter-argument for.  What I love is when I know more about the persons religion who insisted on "starting it" than they do. (and that has happened).

Now a little bit about my religion.  I call it Rainbough-ism, and its based on my belief that one shouldn't have to shape reality to fit their religious views, or doctrine; religion should fit ones conception of reality.  The only major rule I have is that my religion is for me, and me alone, I don't mind sharing my philosophy but I'm not recruiting members.  I think people should decide for themselves what to believe, whether its christian, pagan, muslim, a mixture of different beliefs, or something they just made up.  It matters only that if fits your world, and your understanding.
So let us delve into rainbough philosophy....
I believe in evolution; it makes sense, there is an entire world of evidence to support it, and no hard evidence to refute it.  I don't think we're that much above animals nor that it would be an insult to believe that chimpanzees could be our ancient ancestors.  Moving on though as for the Big Bang Theory, it may or may not be true, and while its interesting to speculate; I hardly think its worth arguing about considering that none of us were around when it happened.  Now as for how stars, planets, and solar systems are formed I agree with what science says.  Its all quite facinating actually, both theories and things they know to be true, about stars, and galaxies.  I love astronomy and physics.  I do believe there is a higher power; but I believe as Emerson said that it is something that exists within all things, perhaps not entirely indifferent, yet its power lies within us.  "We are God's hands"-Jewel  Therefore the world is what we make of it.  I believe in inherent light, a star within everyone: a center of creation and imagination.  I don't believe people are inherently evil nor inherently good, those are things we develop, and we all have the capacity for both.  I believe in reincarnation that we've all been here before and perhaps will be here again.  I believe our purpose is to learn and experience, and grow.  If I had a motto for life it would be "never stop learning"  I don't really want a motto though.  I think you get what you give, even if it seems like your not getting anywhere or anything out of your efforts theres always something.  I want to learn to give all that I can, I want my presence in this world to be felt, I want my life to mean something.  To be worthy of the time I spent, the beauty I saw, the things I learned, and the air I breathe.  I believe what goes around comes around; thus evil will always find its way back.  I believe in soul mates, but not love at first site; I admire people who are able to spend their entire lives together, not out of duty, but out of love.  And when I say "soul mates" I don't mean that they have known each other forever, or that its destined.  After all its easy to evade love, and to lose it.  But I think that if two people are able to truly love each other and to entirely give themselves to one another they will become a part of each other, and perhaps in another lifetime they will meet again.  But that doesn't mean its destined, sometimes they don't recognize eachother or just stay too far away to ever notice.  I believe that most of the new age ideas; from auras to psychic powers, to yoga, to witchcraft, are possible and more than elaborare hallucinations, but possibly less than communion with demons.  I don't like even speculating about things like black magic, or satanism. However, Wicca doesn't bother me.  My only concern there is with people getting into it who are not prepared for the abilities it gives them, or who have personalities that can't responsibly handle it.  I like horoscopes and runes, they can actually teach you alot about yourself; but its your choice whether to believe it or not.  I'm not sure why I believe in them, being so scientific with my ideas, while that could be called elaborate supperstition.  But I don't think there is anything wrong with supperstition as long as its not proclaimed as truth.  One needs merely to say 'I believe in this', or 'its true for me.'  There's just no need in saying "this is how it is, my mother told me so and someone wrote a book on it."  Just a few more beliefs...  Life is precious, but losing what makes life worth living could be worse than losing life.  War is wrong and should be avoided whenever possible.  The end doesn't always justify the means.  Politics should never take precedence over honor nor integrity.  Never sacrifice honor unless its for love's sake and there is absolutely no other way.  I want to learn humility, and to make integrity my life-long friend.  Thats about all I have except a quick interjection of idealism: I want to touch the stars...Someday I will.

Now if I ever refer to my self as lost or idealistic, you'll know why.  By the way... I sometimes come off as very cynical and sarcastic when I'm around other people.  Like a friend of mine said that my "about me" page was too sarcastic.  I thought it was humorous, and I enjoy poking fun at myself.  The only thing I'm ever really cynical about is society and trends.  That girl calling me those names didn't bother me at all.  But it did bother me that someone could so value things that I consider trivial and fleeting, and that she would so go out of her way, to convince herself that she was somehow superior to me because of her fashion sense, and because she could cuss, and beat me in a fight.  As if that would prove something... But why prove something, why does it even matter, it didn't to me, I could care less what she thought, had I injured her pride by being so bold as to not wear make-up, because I had confidence without trying to fit in.  I guess I'll never know; I couldn't speak rationally with her; and it was hard enough to not say what I was really thinking about her, which would have made an un-needed enemy and possibly started a fight, a fight I wouldn't fight and couldn't win.  I'd only be dodging while blondie, clawed and scraped.  But I've already given her more time than the experience was worth so I'll stop here.
 

Rainbough Bouchard
5/5/99
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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