Bally ho! Who said that coffee was only for drinking? With this modus operandi, you can have fun with the No 1 drink, and possibly secure a few restraining orders too! What fun!

CAT COFFEE

1. Make coffee (adding milk and sugar to taste - Nick has it with two sugars and milk).
2. Find the goddamn bane of your whole entire goddamn existance - the cat (Nick finds his sister's cat Chloe, and ignores the irony that he likes all cartoon cats, but none of the ones in real life, who deliberately dislike him, even though he tried to be nice to them at first, but they were nasty to him and look he's got a scar on my leg from where it scratched him the other night...)
3. Throw the scalding brew at the evil incarnate!
4. Feel positively evil, but then just rather contrived and unfulfilled..
5. Repeat.

SE7EN COFFEE

1. Watch Seven (starring Brad Pitt and that Verbal Kint guy from 'The Usual Suspects').
2. Pronounce yourself the Angel Of Coffee (requires about 37 notebooks, all hand-written, quotes from bible and depravity of rationale)
3. Purge the city of each of the Seven Deadly Sins:
   Gluttony: Kill someone who drinks too much coffee.
   Pride: Kill somone who brags about how good they are at making coffee.
   Envy: Kill someone who wants your coffee.
   Lust: Kill someone who drinks coffee for its sex appeal.
   Greed: Kill someone who won't give you any of their coffee.
   Sloth: Kill someone who can't be bothered drinking coffee.
   Wrath: Kill someone who's hitting the coffee machine because it just took the last of your sodding change, and it didn't even bother giving you one of those cheap polystyrene cups and..Tom? Put the knife down, Tom. I'm not Wrath. I'm happy. I'm nice. Really. Tom?? Tom????

SWAT Kat COFFEE

1. Watch all of the SWAT Kats episodes end to end.
2. And then again.
3. Repeat.
4. Once you are convinced that you are one of the SWAT Kats, sit around at home, quietly sipping coffee, until the phone rings.
5. Grab receiver and yell "Be right there, Miss Briggs!!"
6. Quickly dress in your SK uniform (confess people - we all know that we each own one, and we only wear it when we're sure there's no-one in the house..)
7. Kick your front door down, and jump into the TurboKat with your imaginary partner (the psychotic energy and imaginary partner requirements will undoubtedly be met by the ludicrous amounts of caffeine in your blood system)
8. The TurboKat is your car, incidentally. If you don't own a car, run down the street, holding your arms out yelling 'Neeeyyyayaaaauuuuu! Whooosh!' (the caffeine should help here also).
9. Run around and battle evil until you're stopped and duly sedated!

COMPULSIVE OBSESSIVE'S COFFEE

1. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
2. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
3. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
4. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
5. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
6. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
7. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
8. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
9. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
10. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
11. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
12. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
13. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
14. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
15. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
16. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
17. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
18. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
19. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
20. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
21. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
22. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
23. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
24. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
25. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
26. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
27. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
28. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
29. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
30. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
31. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
32. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
33. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
34. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
35. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
36. Make coffee (adding sugar and milk to taste)
37. Repeat.

SPEED COFFEE

1. Make coffee (milk + sugar if you want)
2. Attach bomb to bus, rigged so that if the bus drops to below 50 mph, the bomb will detonate, killing everyone on it.
3. Drink coffee.

UNINCIDENTAL COFFEE

1. Make coffee, adding milk and/or sugar to taste.
2. Drink coffee.

SLIGHTLY MORE INCIDENTAL COFFEE

1. Make coffee, adding milk and/or sugar to taste.
2. Drink coffee.
3. Lose your keys down the back of the sofa.

VERY INCIDENTAL COFFEE

1. Make coffee, adding milk and/or sugar to taste.
2. Drink coffee.
3. Discover truth behing the JFK assassination/Area 51/Marlon Brando/squirrels and live life on the run from the government/aliens/Iranian death squads/'them'.

EXISTENTIALIST COFFEE

1. Make what could be coffee, if it existed and was not just a figment of the Solipsistic imagination, so that the desire to believe that you are making coffee, or making what you believe to be making coffee, as you only appear to be making coffee to yourself as that was your original desire, adding what appears to be milk and sugar to taste, or rather, to appear to taste as you belive that you are tasting something that might taste like you would like it to, if it ever did exist and not be a figment of your imagination, created by your own tendency to test the very state of being from tangentials, such as making coffee.
2. Drink (or perform the act that is commonly confused with the act of drinking) coffee.