Are you sick of cappuccinos? Has your plunger broke? Are you weening yourself
off decaf? Or does your budget only stretch to instant coffee as a means of caffeine rush?
Whatever your reason, no matter what your bizarre tastes in coffee, this site hopes to
provide you with some sort of alternative to the time-honoured, but frankly dull recipe of
teaspoon of instant plus hot water plus sugar to taste.
the java cafe aims to provide caffeine junkies, instant coffee haters, masochists, psychiatric patients and the just plain curious with exciting and tasty recipes - all personally tested (but not necessarily tasted) by us! The adventurous will find alcoholic, vegetarian, nutritious, buttery, solidified and mucous recipes - all royalty-free and ready for your consumption.
As with all the sections in the java cafe, we welcome and beg for your contributions! Just e-mail us with an idea, recipe (tried or untried) or picture showing your favourite alternative to plain boring old instant coffee. But remember - in line with our belief that a live nethead is better than ten dead ex-netheads, the recipe CANNOT BE POISONOUS! (Awwwwww ...) Yeah, we know that narrows the field a bit, but otherwise we wouldn't be able to proudly state -
"Every recipe on these pages CAN BE CONSUMED!"
Happy coffee-break!
- TM & NB
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1. Get a cup (preferably a BIG one).
2. Fill it 3/4 of the way up with instant coffee (leave the spoon in). 3. Fill the cup to the brim with sugar. 4. Add hot water to the brim and stir (this will end up being about half a cup's worth). 5. Drink/choke on it (don't eat the stuff at the bottom). |
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Contributor: TM |
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1. Make coffee to own taste (we recommend hot water plus two teaspoons of Nescafe blend 37).
2. Instead of adding diced animal parts at this stage, add a sprig of parsley and some carrots! |
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Contributor: NB |
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1. Put two teaspoons of instant coffee, three teaspoons of sugar and one dose of ephedrine* into a mug.
2. Rather than using hot water, fill the mug up with hot red cordial! 3. Feed to small violent children. NB: It's not a good idea to heat the cordial in an electric jug. * Optional |
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Contributor: TM |
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1. Fill a cup with ORANGE JUICE (for those essential vitamins).
2. Add one teaspoon (only one) of coffee (for fifteen vital minerals and carbohydrates). 3. Stir well until the mixture is a fairly even color. 4. DRINK (and try not to gag). |
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Contributor: TM |
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1. Make nice hot coffee in favourite mug (you know, the one with "World's Greatest Lover" on it)
2. Leave to sit in your study or workplace for two months! 3. Makes a great ornamental piece or paper weight for important papers that need coffee spilt on them. |
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Contributor: TM |
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1. In the style of Mr A.C's infamous behaviour at concerts with a bucket, get your favourite mug and pass it around the office, having everyone spit in it.
2. Add a teaspoon of coffee once preferred level of mucus is achieved. 3. Stir. Lots. NB: To attain a cappuccino style coffee, ask each donor to froth up their spittle before contributing. |
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Contributor: NB |
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1. Put one teaspoon of instant coffee into a mug.
2. Add ginger, thinly chopped onion, curry powder, chili powder, cumin, salt, pepper, beef stock cubes, garam masala, and a bay leaf. 3. Fill mug with boiling water; stew over a stove for two hours. Drink/eat with steamed rice. |
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Contributor: NB |
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1. Get a microwave-safe cup and 250g of butter.
2. Melt the butter in the microwave. 3. Add a spoonful of coffee and stir. 4. Drink quickly. (before it solidifies) |
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Contributor: TM |
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1. Mix freshly-brewed coffee with freshly-brewed tea.
2. For an instant coff-tea, use instant coff-tea bags. 3. The more adventurous drinker might be interested by coff-cocoa, Coca-coffee, coff-bourbon-and-Coke, and coff-martini, shaken; not stirred. |
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Contributor: NB |
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1. Make little party cups full of coffee (not too strong ...)
2. Add some food colouring to each cup. Have a different coloured liquid in each cup! Go nuts! 3. Great for birthday parties with hyperactive little children. |
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Contributor: TM |
In line with our belief that coffee should be accessible anywhere, we present here a number of ways to create a perfect cappuccino "on the run". |
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1. Make a cup of Instant Turkish Coffee. 2. Heat a saucepan of milk on the stove for too long. 3. Scrape that |
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Contributor: TM |
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1. Make a cup of Instant Turkish Coffee. 2. Add enough baking soda or 'cream of tartar' to form a fizzing, foaming, delicious froth on your coffee. 3. Clean up any overflow. |
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Contributor: NB |
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1. Make a cup of Instant Turkish Coffee. 2. Crack open a beer (preferably not light). 3. Scoop off the froth and add it to your coffee. 4. Leave the rest of the beer lying about to become flat and use it as a convenient ashtray! NB: Kiddies! Underage drinking is bad, so you have to wait until daddy's out of the room. Then take that can of beer he's been using as an ashtray. |
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Contributor: NB |
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1. Dress up in your best tight one-piece lycra suit. 2. Put an empty coffee cup in the microwave. 3. Say "Computer! Make coffee!". 4. If this doesn't work the first time, keep trying, because it's worth it when it does. |
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Contributor: S |
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1. Take your favourite coffee cup, and a group of friends. 2. Each competitor should make coffee and drink. 3. Repeat step 2 WITHOUT WASHING OR RINSING THE CUP. 4. See who can last the longest before: |
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Contributor: S |