Ways to Drive People NUTS!

After much popular demand, and extensive field testing, "Ways to Drive People Nuts" has become part of 37 Zone! All of following tips will cause a niggling annoying sensation in annoyee (some more than others) when used alone; but for maximum annoying power, we recommend using two or more of them simultaneously.

Here are some points to remember when you decide to start annoying:

Keep a straight face. This always annoys people more than if you're cracking up because what you're doing is so amazingly zany.
When your life looks like it might be in danger, stop. There's no use in dying or receiving serious injury just for a bit of fun. However, if you carry a stopwatch, you can always restart after exactly a minute. Any more, and victim isn't as annoyed, and if you don't wait long enough, break was pointless and you'll still get hit.
Don't use same tactics on same person all time. A great man once said that variety is spice of life, and God bless him, he was right. You have to vary your strategy after using same tactics on same person more than, say, twice in a row. There's plenty to choose from, so go nuts!
Finally, use your own personal style. For a few tips, we've given examples, but don't be limited by those. For example, instead of using word "basically" in every sentence, you could use word "perhaps" or "indeed". Use your own disgression.

So good luck, and drive 'em nuts.

Learn long bits of 'Hamlet', and soliloquize to any shiny surface (mirrors, windows, cups of water - anything you can see your own reflection in).

Stick 'Kick Me' signs on inanimate objects.

Find innuendo in just about anything someone says -

"I just came to warn you ..."
"Heh heh ... 'came'."
"No, no ... this is important. Your life is in danger."
"Heh heh ... my SEX life. Heh heh."
"Listen - they're trying to kill you!"
"Heh heh ... 'trying'."

When left alone with somebody else's computer for any length of time, change their carefully calibrated screensaver and change delay to one minute.

Whenever anyone approaches you, start a sentence with whoever you're talking to with "So I had axe, and there was blood, like, everywhere ..."

Tape every single Lotto draw and show tape to your friends, saying " funny bit's just coming up."

Ruthlessly criticise physics in Wile E. Coyote cartoons.

Convince people that they're pronouncing normal words wrong.

"Well - how about we come up to my place for some ... coffee?"
"You know, that's a common mistake. It's not 'place' - it's pronounced 'plech'."
"Ha hah! Come on, no need to be nervous."
"I'm not nervous ..."
"Good."
"It's pronounced 'knavish'. I'm feeling knavish."

Halfway through conversations with friends, interrupt and ask "Sorry, I forgot. What was your name again?"

Before doing anything, ask if it is potentially fatal.

Use word 'basically' in every sentence.

"What did you think about movie?"
"Basically, I thought it was a load of crap."
"Aw, it wasn't that bad."
"Basically, I would rather saw off my own leg without anaesthetic."
"Oh, you!"
"No, basically, I'm serious."

Use sarcasm when you shouldn't.

Connect everything to "Our Saviour, Lord Jesus Christ".

Write suicide notes and leave them lying around in random places.

Pretend you have call waiting. "Beep beep ... ooh - gotta go!"

Pick up telephones at friends' places while they're in bathroom - hang up just as they see you and (guiltily) deny there was any call.

Descend on a random target in a public place and whisper " fox is in henhouse. fox is in henhouse."

Have a zany answering-machine message that starts with "Hello? (pause) Hello? (pause) Is anyone there?".

Go up to people and say "Do you go to family reunions to pick up chicks?" then look guilty and say "Well I don't either."

On back of outgoing mail, write "Open me!" with an arrow pointing to flap.

Leave Post-It notes everywhere about your house, reminding yourself to do everyday activities:

"Eat food when hungry"
"Go to toilet if I feel constipated"
"Don't stick fingers in powerpoint"

When somebody asks time, give them time in Tokyo.

Ask people to remind you when it's a certain time - when they do, thank them and don't otherwise react.

Call up directory assistance for help on using phone.

In event of a wrong number, put on a creepy voice "heh hehhh ... open .. curtains... wiiderrr ... a little widerrr!"

Convince your friends that garden gnome is growing.

Ask if your mail has been delivered to your friends' place by mistake.

Ask really obvious questions about friends, and act surprised at answer. "Oh really? So he's blind, is he?"

Use other peoples' mouses upside-down as a trackball.

Pretend that somebody's computer monitor is a touchscreen - while they're typing.

Say, with great emotion, irrelevant parts from songs, and expect others to fill in when you stop.

"And I'm here to remind you of mess you left when you went away. It's not fair to deny me of cross I bear that you gave to me. You, you, you ... what?"

Pronounce every single letter in every word you say.

"etiquette" becomes "ett-e-kett-e"
"chocolate icecream" becomes "kok-o-lah-tay ick-keck-ree-arm"

Mumble something - when people ask what you said, say "I said ... (mumble mumble)"

Say "on!" before turning anything on (or off).

Mumble out loud in public - when anybody glances at you, say "Hey you! (mumble mumble)"

Finish each sentence so that it sounds as if you're about to say something else ...

Have an inane conversation with someone, then leave sniggering and saying "Got him a BEAUTY!"

Go up to anyone and ask if they've seen some unspecified object - but you can't remember what it's called; make indeterminate hand movements, and mumble something about " ... you know .. um .. oh... maybee - no. Um ..."

Order a pizza, with following restrictions:

You can't say word "pizza",
You can't name any toppings directly,
You can't acknowledge that person taking call has guessed your order correctly.

"I'd like to order a pastry snack with yellow fruit and dead pig on it."
"What?"
"A pastry snack with tropical fruit slices and pig."
"You mean a Hawaiian pizza ..."
"I want a pastry base with fruit and swine."

Speak Shakespearean - "thee" or "thou" instead of "you"; "knave" instead of "idiot"; pronounce final syllable of words ending in "ed".

"I like-ed thee once, arrant knave!"

When speaking to a real computer tech-guy or 'systems administrator', insist on pronouncing each letter of acronyms that have come to be pronounced as words - "RAM", "SCSI", "WYSIWYG", "HDD".

Call everybody by their title and first letter of their surname - "Mister S", "Miss G", "Sir R-M".

When anybody is doing something incredibly dull (doing tax, typing up a spreadsheet, searching for potato cake recipes on Internet), ask if you can watch.

Begin each conversation with a poor Robert de Niro voice and "Are you talking to me?"

Whenever somebody suggest anything, say "Yeah! Just like in that movie!"

Or, if they say, "We can (yada yada yada)" say "No we can't."

"We can go see a movie."
"No we can't!"

"I can fix lock on door ..."
"No you can't!"

"So ... if you go on Grassy Knoll, we can come at him from three directions at once."
"No we can't!"
"Shut up, Oswald."

Be overdramatic.

"DON'T OPEN THAT DOOR!"
"WE'VE GOT TO GET DINNER!"
"OH MY GOD! PHONE'S RINGING!"

Provide a third-person narrative for everything you do.

"So he's going to cupboard ... and he's opening door ... and look! He's going for a plate .. ooh! and a knife too! And now John's about to hit him! In face! Ow! ... er .. he says."

Go into an Internet chatroom and spend whole time marvelling at how incredible and amazing and wonderful Internet is.

Do crappy Patrick Stewart impressions at every opportunity.

Pretend you have a nervous tic (a really obvious one like banging your head up and down).

Shake your head for 'yes' and nod your head for 'no'.

Jump up and down on other peoples' beds. When they try to stop you, say "Yey! Brady Bunch pillow fight!"

Laugh out loud at movies, especially disaster ones.

Laugh at things on news.

Laugh out loud in public.

Laugh at things that were on TV two weeks ago.

Take votes on petty things. Some suggestions:

Collecting mail.
Turning TV on.
Turning TV off.
Whether you should have one teaspoon of sugar or two.
Whether central characters on TV shows are gay.

Put on roller-skates and use drive-thru.

Befriend inanimate objects and give them names.

Insist on watching Channel 56 - " Snow Channel"

Ask for a second opinion on time.

Do all above and go around saying "God I'm hilarious. I am so funny."

Make a list of ways to drive people nuts.

Place undue importance on one particular event or number and devote an entire Webpage to it.

Be way God made you!

Read some professional 'Driving People Nuts' material!

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