37help

37help Safety Instructions:
(do NOT remove)

  1. Do NOT load the webpage.*
  2. Ensure that you are not using the Internet in a naked flame or near a sulphuric acid-throwing machine.
  3. Ensure that what you are using IS the Internet and not a deadly fish (pirhana, hammer-head shark, semi-automatic trout etc)
  4. Before commencement of loading, aquaint yourself fully with the location of your computer (A) and the location of yourself (A), so that either of these may be removed in case of emergenncy.
  5. Always view the page away from the face (A).
  6. When loading, loosen all articles of clothing.
  7. Loosen the clothing even more.
  8. Loosen bras and belts especially.
  9. Loosen my clothing.
  10. Now hold my ________ and tickle ________.
Viewing Positions
  1. The safety viewing position (A).
  2. Emergency viewing position (A) with the knees drawn up into the stomach and the head buried between the thighs, holding the mouse between the heel of the left foot (A) and the instep of the right foot (A). Load the page with the second and third toes of the foot (A) and nose (A).
  3. View the page with only the left eye (A), unless the distance between your right pinky (A) and outstretched thumb (A) exceeds the total width of the computer monitor (A), in which case the page must be viewed with the left and right eyes (A and A) alternately. (This is most easily done by blinking rapidly in alternation)
In The Event Of A Viewing Emergency
(e.g fire, rape, Michael Jackson concert etc.)
  1. Turn the computer off quickly.
  2. Scream.
  3. Hit it/him/the concert with the monitor.
  4. Remove ALL dangerous articles - watches, jewellery, sharp money, blank and signed cheques etc - and place them in an envelope marked 'Property Of Nick and Tom, c/o ThirtySeven Zone', which can be downloaded from some place or another.
  5. Should you crash whilst viewing this page, double click the right mouse button and your browser of choice will expand into a fully inflatable life raft, with a three-week supply of Spam (tm) and soap operas.
Legal Note:
  1. It is advisable to send your valuables to Nick and Tom anyway. More people are robbed while using the internet than you think. Stop laughing. It's true.
  2. *This instruction has been deleted. It was a silly instruction - unworkable in practice and unethical in intent. We sincerely apologise for any inconvenience incurred upon the follower of such a silly instruction, and assure you that the man responsible has been decapitated. Yours Sincerely, Nick and Tom.
  3. We sincerely apologise for any embarrassment caused by instructions 6, 7, 8 and 9. We now realise that they were wholly unnecessary, and the products of a disturbed mind. The man responsible has been impaled and has had his knees stapled together. Yours Sincerely, Nick and Tom.

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