If Microsoft Was Jewish
- Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would get
"Fehrklempt".
- When you fill up your "C-drive", you will get a "Hard Drive is Shtupped"
message.
- Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Draydles".
- Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
- CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high compression
DVB's (digital video bagels).
- Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not getting
any younger!" button.
- "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already You're
killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didn't hear that!".
- When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be
instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's toukches".
- Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music
already!".
- During Passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened floppies".
- "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibitz".
- Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little byte
of that".
- When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I should
fix this?" message.
- When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud
"Oy!!!"
- A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise that it
gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.
- After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Shloofie"
- Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
- Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Bingo"or "Mah-Jong."
- Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the upper
right corner.
- After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
- You would hear the tune "Hava Na gila" during startup.
- "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
23. Bill Gates' official theme song would be "If I Were a Rich Man."
TRADITIONAL VS. REFORM
Traditional: Farm animal must be killed by ritual slaughterer using a sharply honed knife that must not have a single nick on its blade.
Reform: Farm animal must be told that it has the right to an attorney.
Traditional: Will not combine meat with milk.
Reform: Will not combine meat with chocolate milk.
Traditional: One set of dishes for meat, another set for dairy.
Reform: One set of dishes exclusively for cheeseburgers.
Traditional: Hire "shabbos goy" to perform religiously prohibited tasks.
Reform: Hire "Orthodox Jew" to perform religiously required tasks.
Traditional: Try to concentrate on prayers, achieve sense of being in the presence of the divine.
Reform: Try to figure out when to stand up, when to sit down, and what page everyone is on.
Traditional: Women required to sit in synagogue balcony, apart from men.
Reform: Women and men sit together, davening suggestively.
Traditional: Strong disapproval of women rabbis.
Reform: Strong disapproval of topless women rabbis.
Q. What is the difference between heroin and Abraham?
A. One is the juice of the poppy; the other is the Poppy of the Jews.
Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years... chatting and enjoying each others friendship.
One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, "Please don't be angry with me dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years. . . What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just can't."
The older friend stares at her, looking very distressed, says nothing for two full minutes, and finally with tearful eyes, says, "How soon do you have to know?"
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, "So your mother says your
prayers for you each night? Very commendable. What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!"
Al Gore and Dan Quayle were in New Hampshire campaigning. In the
spirit of bi-partisanship they shared an airplane between campaign
stops. On the plane with them were the Archbishop of New Hampshire and the Lubavitcher rabbi. As they crossed the White Mountains the plane lost power and the pilot (named Belastock or Shapiro, I forget which) bailed out.
The remaining four quickly counted parachutes and found only three.
Gore shouted, "I'm the Vice President. I have to survive!" grabbed a 'chute and jumped.
Dan Quayle shouted, "I'm the only hope for the Republican party and I have to survive!", grabbed a 'chute and jumped.
The Archbishop turned to the rabbi and said, "Rabbi, I am an old
man. I am not married and have fathered no children. Take the last parachute and save yourself."
The Lubavitcher rabbi replied, "Fear not, Father, there are two chutes left. Dan Quayle jumped with my tallis and tefillin.
An Orthodox rabbi lived a pious and exemplary life. Besides his
learning, he had one true passion: he loved to play golf. So when a friend of his wangled an invitation to play a round at an ultra exclusive Country Club that normally did not invite people of the rabbi's religious persuasion, he jumped at the chance, until he found out that the round was scheduled for Saturday, which of course is his Sabbath and on which day he was forbidden to do ANY work, including the "work" of playing golf. He tossed and turned with his dilemma, until greed won out, and he duly appeared at the Country Club early Saturday morning. A passing angel looked
down and saw the rabbi getting ready to tee off on the first hole.
Profoundly disturbed, the angel runs to God and tells him what is about to take place.
God says, "Don't worry. I'll teach him a lesson but good." So on the first hole the rabbi drives 415 yards for a hole-in-one!
"What kind of a lesson was THAT?",queried the angel.
God's response was, "Who can he tell?"
A cruise ship sinks and three men make it to an uninhabited island. The first man, a Christian, tears two branches from a palm tree, creates a cross, and prays to the Lord to be saved from the island.
The second man, a Muslim, pulls several fronds from the palm tree, creates a mat, kneels facing Mecca, and prays to Allah to save him.
The third man falls asleep under the palm tree. The other two can't understand how this man could remain so calm and serene - and ask him how he could be so at ease.
He answers, "Two years ago I gave $1,000,000 to the Jewish Federation. Last year I gave $2,000,000. This year I pledged $3,000,000. Don't worry, they'll find me."
CHUTZPAH
n. A father who wakes his wife at 4 a.m. so she can change the baby's diaper.
DISORIENT
n. When Aunt Sadie gets lost in a department store and strikes up a
conversation with everyone she passes.
DEJA GNU
n. Having the feeling you've seen the same exasperated look on your mother's face but not knowing exactly when.
IMPOST
n. Someone who eats leavened foods during Passover while maintaining he/she
is observant.
JUDO
n. A traditional form of self defense based on talking one's way out of a
tight spot.
AFIKOMMENTS
n. Adult arguing that occurs as children search for hidden Passover matzo.
ASHKESHNOZZIM
n. A nose the shape of Florida and the size of medium potato.
TORAHFIED
n. Inability to remember one's lines when called to read from the Torah at
one's Bar or Bat mitzvah.
TRAYFFIC ACCIDENT
n. An appetizer one finds out has pork in it after one has eaten it.
JEWBILATION
n. Pride in finding out that one's favorite celebrity is Jewish.
YENTILITY
n. A deceptively sweet manner used to extract information. Key phrases
include, "trust me," "your secret is safe with me" and "if you can't tell me, who can you tell?"
YIDENTIFY
vb. To be able to determine ethnic origins of celebrities even though their
names might be St. John, Curtis, Davis, or Taylor.
KINDERSCHLEP
vb. To be called on to carpool more children than one has fingers, in a car
that was made in Japan.
MAMATZAH BALLS
n. Matzo balls that are as good as mother used to make.
MATZILATION
n. Smashing a piece of matzo to bits while trying to butter it.
BLINTZKRIEG
n. A late-night assault on the refrigerator in search of leftovers even
though "I won't be able to eat for a week!" Particularly common 4-6 hours after special occasion gluttony.
BUBBEGUM
n. Candy one's mother gives to her grandchildren that she never gave to her
own children.
MINYASTICS
n. Going to incredible lengths and troubles to find a tenth person to
complete a minyan.
MEINSTEIN
slang. "My son, the genius."
RBIs AND TELL
n. A detailed description given by parents of their child's circumcision,
generally spoken quite loud in front of the grown child and those people he would least like to hear the story.
DISCAHKENTUDE
n. Looking like one isn't involved while one's dog goes to the bathroom on
a neighbor's lawn.
DISKVELLIFIED
vb. To drop out of law school, med. school or business school, as seen through
the eyes of parents, grandparents, and Uncle Sid. (In extreme cases, simply choosing to major in art history when Irv's son, David is majoring in biology, is sufficient grounds for diskvellification.)
FLEISHADICK
n. A Jewish flasher.
FEELAWFUL
n. Indigestion from eating Israeli street food.
GOYFER
n. A gentile messenger.
HEBORT
vb. To forget all the Hebrew one ever learned immediately after
one's Bar Mitzvah.
HEBRUTE
n. Israeli aftershave.
HINDSTEIN
n. A Semitic smart-ass.
ISROYALTY
n. Major contributors to the UJA, the JUF, or the IEF.
MISHPOCHAMARKS
n. The assorted lipstick and make-up stains found on one's face and collars
after kissing all one's aunts and cousins at a reception.
RE-SHTETLEMENT
n. Moving from Brooklyn to Miami and finding all your old neighbors live in
the same condo as you.
ROSH HASHANANA
n. A rock 'n roll band from Brooklyn.
SANTASHMANTA
n. The explanation Jewish children get for when they celebrate Hannukah
while the rest of humanity celebrates Christmas.
SCHMUCKLUCK
n. Finding out one's wife became pregnant after one had a vasectomy.
SHIKSABOB
n. A special meal that Muffy O'Brien prepares for Morris Greenblatt.
SHOFARSOGUT
n. The relief you feel when after many attempts the shofar is finally blown
at the end of Yom Kippur.
BAGELA
n. A gay Jewish baker.
BIALY ACHE
n. The result of lunch at your mother's and dinner at your mother-in law's.
Submitted by Fester, Harry, Ann, Suzanne, Cheryl, Clyde and Ben
A Jewish man was in a hospital ward with 2 non-Jews. Comes morning, he puts on tefillin. The non-Jews can't figure out what he is doing. Finally, one of them said to the other, "Look how smart those Jews are! He's taking his own blood pressure.
Sol took his Saint Bernard to the vet. "Doctor Cohen," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's tail."
The vet stepped back, "Sol, why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Oy vey, my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."
Hebrew Country Eastern Songs
1. "I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)"
2. "Stand by Your Mensch"
3. "I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?"
4. "New Bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament"
5. "Honkey Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights"
6. "Eighteen Wheels and a Dozen Latkes"
7. "I Balanced Your Books, but You're Breaking My Heart"
8. "The Second Time She Said 'Shalom', I Knew She Meant 'Goodbye'"
9. "You're the Lox My Bagel's Been Missin'"
10."You've Been Talkin' Hebrew in Your Sleep Since that Rabbi Came to Town"
11."Mamas Don't Let Your Ungrateful Sons Grow Up to Be Cowboys (When They
Could Very Easily Have Just Taken Over the Family Hardware Business that My
Own Grandfather Broke His Back to Start and My Father Sweat Over for Years
Which Apparently Doesn't Mean Anything Now That You're Turning Your Back on Such a Gift)"
Jewish Jeopardy
A: Midrash
Q: What is a middle east skin disease?
A: The Gaza Strip
Q: What is an Egyptian Belly Dancer?
A. A classroom, a Passover ceremony & a latke.
Q What is a cheder, a seder, and a tater?
A. Sofer
Q. On what do Jews recline on Passover?
A. Bablyon
Q. What does the rabbi do during some sermons?
A. Kishka, sukkah & Circumcision.
Q. Name a gut, a hut and a cut.
A. Tzitzit.
Q. Name a disease carrying Mediterranean fly.
You might be a Jewish Redneck if:
1. You think a Hora is a high-priced call girl
2. You light your Shabbat candles from your cigarette
3. Your belt buckle is bigger than a yarmulke
4. Instead of a noisemaker, you've fired a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name.
5. You have a gun rack in your Sukkah
6. You think KKK is a symbol for REALLY Kosher
7. You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish Law
8. You don't ride on shabbat because your car is up on blocks
9. When someone shouts l'chaim you respond "l'howdy"
10. You are saving a bottle of Mogen David for some special occasion
Submitted by Barrie
Harry Abramovitz wanted to join the Greenvale Country Club, a club known never to have had a Jewish member. This deterred Harry not at all.
First, he went to court and had his name changed from Harry Moses Abramovitz to Howard Trevelyan Frobisher. Then he flew to a plastic surgeon in Switzerland, who transformed his Semitic profile into a Nordic one. Then he hired a tutor from England to change his Hester Street accent to the mellifluous modality of Regent Street. Then Harry worked his way into the graces of several members of the Greenvale Country Club...
Two years after launching upon his project, Howard Frobisher, neé Harry Abramovitz, appeared before the membership committee.
The chairman said, "Please state your name."
In plummy Oxonian accents, Harry said, "Howard Trevelyan Frobisher."
"And where were you educated, Mr. Frobisher?"
"The usual places: Eton...Oxford..."
The chairman beamed, "And what is your religious affiliation?"
"Goy."
AN ENTERPRISING RABBI IS OFFERING CIRCUMCISIONS VIA THE INTERNET
THE SERVICE IS TO BE CALLED: "E-MOIL"
EIN KLEINA, TZVAY KLEINA, DREI KLEINA ROYTE MENSCHEN
"A mol iz gevain drei Indians, der tatte, Geronowitz, die mutter,
Pocayenta, und die tochter, Minnie-Horowitz. Ein tog iz Minnie-Horowitz
gekummen ahaim und gezogt tsu Pocayenta, "Mamma, ich vil hairaten."
Zokt Pocayenta, "Gut, siz shoyn tzeit. Du bist yetzt an alte moid,
zechtzen yor alt; ver iz der boocher?"
Zokt Minnie-Horowitz, "Oy, Mamma, hab ich getroffen a boocher! Hoich und
heldish, azoy schein, azoy shtark!"
"Un vos iz zine nommen?"
"Er hayst 'Sitting Bullvon'."
"Un vos far a yiches hot er?"
"Oy, er hot a grosse yiches, zine tatte, Meshuggener Pferd, iz der gahntze
macher fun alle die Shvartz-fuss leite."
Zokt Pocayenta, "Gut! Mir vellen hobben a groisse chasseneh ---oy, vaiz
mir!"
"Vus iz de mer?"
"Mir hobben tsoris."
"Vus iz die tsoreh."
"Die tzeepee iz nit groiss genug tsu halten alle die ghest fun die
chasseneh -- alle die Shvartz-fuss, und die Shmohawks, und die gahntze
mishpoche."
Shriet Pocayenta tzu Geronowitz, "Geronowitz, shtay uff fun dine tuchess
und gay krig mir a buffalo!"
Zokt Geronowitz, "Far vos vilst du a buffalo?"
"Mit dus flaish fun dem buffalo ken ich machen a gut gedempfte buffalo
tzimmes, und mit dem peltz ken ich machen groisser die tzeepee, und den
kennen mir ineladen die gahntze velt tzu der chasseneh."
Arois iz gegahngen Geronowitz. Ein tog iz farbye, tzvay taig, drei taig, un
nisht kain Geronowitz. A vawch mare, kumpt ahaim Geronowitz mit gornisht
in hent.
"SHLEMIEL! Vu iz mine buffalo?", shreit tzu ihm Pocayenta."
"Du und dine buffalo tzimmes, ich hob eyech baide in bood."
"A far vus? Vus iz de mare?"
"Dem ershten tog hob ich gezehn a buffalo, nisht gut genug far dem tzimmes,
nisht grois genug far die tzeepee. Dem tzvayten tug hob ich gezen anonder
buffalo, grois genug ober mit a farfoylten peltz, aza mieskite fun a
buffalo, dem dritten tug hab ich gefinnen nuch ains un siz geven schain,
shmaltzedik, grois -- a perfect buffalo!"
"Un nu? Vuden?"
"Vuden? Ich gay tzu schechten dem buffalo, und ich hob gekukt in mine
taash, und vaist vos? Nar vos ich bin, 'chob genumin mit mir dem
milchidigge tomahawk!"
Submitted by Ben Borok
God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the
Italians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said.
He answered, "Thou shalt not murder."
They answered "Sorry, we are not interested."
Next he offered it to the Romanians. "What commandments do you offer?" they said.
He answered, "Thou shalt not steal."
They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."
Next he offered them to the French. "What commandments do you offer?" they
asked.
"Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife."
"Sorry we are not interested," they answered.
Finally he approached the Jews.
"How much?" they asked.
"It's free," he answered. "We'll take ten of them!"
Submitted by Clyde McConnell
NASA had sent many many shuttles into space to orbit the earth and made an
attempt to include passengers of all races and creeds. . . they realized suddenly that they had excluded the clergy. . . so they invited a priest, a rabbi and a minister to orbit the earth in a shuttle.
Upon their return, crowds of people formed to hear their impressions. First the priest emerged, beaming and happy, his statement full of joy. He said, "It was totally amazing, I saw the sun rise and set, I saw the beautiful oceans."
Then the minister came out, also happy and at peace. He said, "I saw the magnificent earth, our home, I saw the majestic sun. I'm truly in awe."
Then the rabbi appeared. He was completely dishevelled, his beard tangled flowing in every direction, his kipah was frayed, his tallit was wrinkled, like you can't imagine.
They asked him,"Rabbi, did you enjoy the flight?"
He threw his hands up in the air crazily and replied, "ENJOY??? What was to
enjoy?? Oy,oy,oy! Every five minutes the sun was rising and setting! On with the t'fillin, off with t'fillin, mincha, ma'ariv, mincha, ma'ariv!. . . GEVALT!"
Submitted by the Leichters
A priest and a rabbi are discussing the pros and cons of their various
religions, and inevitably the discussion turns to repentance.
The rabbi explains Yom Kippur, the solemn Day of Atonement, a day of fasting and penitence, while the priest tells him all about Lent, and its 40 days of
self-denial and absolution from sins.
After the discussion ends, the rabbi goes home to tell his wife about the
conversation, and they discuss the merits of Lent versus Yom Kippur. She turns her head and laughs.
The rabbi says, "What's so funny, dear?"
Her response, "40 days of Lent - one day of Yom Kippur... so, even when it comes to sin, the goyyim pay retail..."
A stuffy old dowager was explaining to the Jewish florist how she wanted the flowers arranged at the DAR (Daughters of the American Revolution) meeting to celebrate the signing of the Declaration of Independence.
"Actually," she said, "one of my ancestors was present at the presentation of the document to the Congress."
"How very nice." replied the florist.
"One of my mine was present at the presentation of the Ten Commandments to the world."
A young man woke up Saturday Morning in a grouchy
mood. Coming down to breakfast, he put on his
yarmulke and sat across the table from his visiting sister.
"I'm not going to shul today!" he said to her emphatically.
"Yes you are." she replied calmly.
" No I'm not . . . I don't think I really want to ever go again!"
he said with obvious irritation. The people down there don't
like me, they ignore me sometimes . . . they don't appreciate
me at all . . . and I won't go back."
"Yes, you will go today . . . and you will continue." said his
sister with confidence. And, I'll give you two reasons.
Number one you're 45 years old ... and Number two, you're
the Rabbi!"
Submitted by Adorable Ann
A man and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday, you may come by on Monday to pick it up after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged. "How dare you show your face in here? There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
Submitted by Rooster of Alaska
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding night goes to his mother with
the following question. "Mom, why are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son and replies, "This shows the town your bride is pure."
Thoughtful, the lad goes to his father and asks. "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?" The father looks at the son in surprise -- "All domestic appliances are white!"
Submitted by Norm M. of Calgary
Two Jewish American princesses were having lunch. The first complained that every time she and her husband had sex he hollered and yelled when he climaxed.
The second one said, "What's wrong with that?"
The first one answered,"He wakes me UP!"
Submitted by RICNRICK
You might be a Jewish Redneck if . . .
- You think a hora is a high priced call girl
- You light your shabbos candles from you cigarette
- Your belt buckle is bigger than a yarmulke
- Instead of a noisemaker, you've fired a shotgun at the sound of
Haman's name
- You have a gun rack in your sukkah
- You think KKK is a symbol for Really Really Kosher
- You think marrying your first cousin is required according to Jewish Law
- You don't ride on shabbat because your car is up on blocks
- When someone shouts l'chaim you respond l'howdy
- You are saving a bottle of Mogen David for some special occasion
- You think a good Bar Mitzvah gift is time shared on your hunting lease
You don't stop laughing because you grow old . . . you grow old because you
stop laughing. Shalom Y'all
Submitted by The Leichter's http://www.haruth.com/HaruthSiteMap.htm
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around, that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, wrestlers, etc...) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit came in and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK," grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
The crowd's laughter turned to silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender pays the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I'm a fund raiser for the United Jewish Appeal."
Subject: Loan
A Hasidic Jew walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks
and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral
for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and
this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Hasidic Jew replied, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two
weeks for 15 bucks?"
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers. "Hello, sir," she said, "Do you like movies?"
"Yes, I do," he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like gardening?"
The man again looked up from his book. "Yes, I do," he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. "Do you like pussycats?"
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she'd never been ravaged before. As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man thought for a moment and replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. "Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."
"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said it would be.
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke said the second bee. I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
Submitted by Uncle Fester
THREE WISE WOMEN!
You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you? They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought disposable diapers as gifts!
All In A Days's Work
Three bubbes were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from
Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in Chicago."
The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class
from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he
lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, " you know my son, he never did too well is school, he
never went to any university but he now makes 1 million dollars a Year in
New York working as a sports repairman."
The other two women ask "Vos is a sports repairman?"
The Bubbe replies, "He fixes hockey games, football games, baseball
games. . ."
Submitted by Ben Borok
Goldie Cohen, an elderly Jewish lady from New York, goes to her travel
agent.
"I vont to go to India."
"Mrs. Cohen, why India? It's filthy, much hotter than New York, it's filled to the brim with Indians."
"I vont to go to India. But it's a long journey, and those trains, how will you manage? What will you eat? The food is too hot and spicy for you. You can't drink the water. You must not eat fresh fruit and vegetables. You'll get sick: the plague, hepatitis, cholera, typhoid, malaria, G-d only knows. What will you do? Can you imagine the hospital, no Jewish doctors? Why torture yourself?"
"I vont to go to India."
The necessary arrangements are made, and off she goes. She arrives in India and, undeterred by the noise, smell and crowds, makes her way to an ashram. There she joins the seemingly never-ending queue of people waiting for an audience with the guru. An aide tells her that it will take at least three days of standing in line to see the guru.
"Dats OK."
Eventually she reaches the hallowed portals. There she is told firmly that she can only say three words.
"Fine."
She is ushered into the inner sanctum where the wise guru is seated, ready to bestow spiritual blessings upon eager initiates. Just before she reaches the holy of holies she is once again reminded:
"Remember, just three words."
Unlike the other devotees, she does not prostate at his feet. She stands directly in front of him, crosses her arms over her chest, fixes her gaze on his, and says:
"Sheldon, come home."
A rabbi asked a six year old boy what his favorite bible story was.
"I guess the one about Noah and the ark, where they floated around on the water for 40 days and 40 nights" replied the boy.
"That was a good story" said the rabbi, "and, with all that water I bet they had a good time fishing, don't you think?"
The boy thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't think so...they
only had two worms."
It is reported that the following part of the Book of Genesis was discovered in the Dead Sea Scrolls. If authentic, it would shed light on the question, "Where do pets come from?"
And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And G-d said, "No problem! I will create a companion for
you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection
of my love for you, so that you will know I love you, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And G-d created a new animal to be a companion for Adam.
And it was a good animal. And G-d was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the
animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And G-d said, "No problem! Because I have created this new
animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And G-d was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a
companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations,
so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And G-d created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat
would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cats eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And G-d was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
A guy from Israel and a guy from Syria are fighting over a lantern when a genie pops out and grants one wish to each of them.
The Syrian quickly says, "I want a wall around all of Syria to protect
my culture. Make it about 150 feet high, so nothing can get in or out."
"It is done," says the genie, turning to the other guy. "And what is your wish?"
The guy from Israel smiles and says, "FILL IT WITH WATER."
A rabbi had to spend time in a Catholic hospital. He became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there. One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing.
She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the
crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured one suffering
Jew in this room was enough."
Hi Girls,
This is a true story, happening all over the country to people just like you
and me...
My thighs were snatched from me during the night of March 22nd. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs.
The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if imperfectly, mine for 34
years? Whose thighs were these? What happened to mine?
I spent that entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, a pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed.
I became obsessed: I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that
turns to bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.
Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My buns were next. I knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match my new derriere -- although badly attached at least 3 inches lower than the original -- to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. Now my rear complimented my legs lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.
It was 2 years when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and from with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, a section at a time.
Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Aged was supposed to creep up, unnoticed and intangible, something like maturity. No, I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning.
During the spring of my 36th year, my attention was rived to upper arms --
female arms. I studied them from every angle, being careful not to raise mine in public nor flatten them too tightly against my body.
In private I held them straight out and did endless circles that would have
tightened my real arms but did nothing for these Silly-Putty caricatures. In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my arms and my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?
In short order, my right boob could hold a pencil (it seemed particularly
cruel to take just one). And my eyes began to remind people that they needed a new pair of Hush Puppies. My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now reminded me of. That's why I've decided to tell my story; I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of America, wake up and smell the coffee!
That ain't really "plastic" those surgeons are using. You know where they're getting those replacement parts, don't you?
The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you? Check out those tummy tucks and buttock raising. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids on that movie star? I think I finally may have found my thighs. I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them.
Two little Jewish ladies are having a discussion.
Rose: So Sadie, what are you doing tonight?
Sadie: Nothing much; just going out with Mr. Goldberg.
Rose: Mr. Moshe Goldberg?
Sadie: Yes, him.
Rose: Sadie, I went out with Mr. Goldberg last week. You wouldn't
believe what happened! He took me to a nice dinner and then he brought me home. Once we were in my living room he ripped off all my clothes and we had sex right there, right there on my living room floor.
Sadie: G-tt im himmel! What should I do?
Rose: Only one thing you can do--wear a shmatah.
Three Jewish Grandmothers were sitting around, drinking tea and talking about their grandsons' professions. One was a doctor, the second an architect, and the third a computer scientist. The Grandmothers got to arguing about whose profession was the oldest.
In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor's Grandma said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
The architect's Grannie did not agree. She said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So G-d must have been an architect."
The computer scientist's Bubbie, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
Money
Q - Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A - Under the Vacuum cleaner.
Going For A Drive
Sam Schwartz was driving down the road, gets pulled over by a Policeman.
Walking up to Sam's car, the Policeman says, "Your wife fell out the car 5 miles back."
Sam replies, "Thank G-d for that" I'd thought I'd gone
deaf!"
A rabbi had a terrible car wreck and was rushed to a local Catholic hospital. After the doctors patched him up, he recuperated in the orthopedic ward for several weeks. As he recovered from his injuries he became friends with the Sister who was a nurse there.
One day, she came into his room and noticed that the crucifix on the wall was missing. She asked him good-naturedly, "Rabbi, what have you done with the crucifix?"
"Oh, sister," chuckled the rabbi, "I just figured one suffering Jew in this room was enough."
TEN REASONS G-D CREATED EVE
10. G-d worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because
he knew men would never ask directions.
9. G-d knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV
remote because men don't want to see what's on television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on television.
8. G-d knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when the seat
wore out and therefore would need Eve to get one for him.
7. G-d knew that Adam would never make a doctors appointment
for himself.
6. G-d knew that Adam would never remember which night was
garbage night.
5. G-d knew that if the world was to be populated there would have
to be someone to bear them, because men would never be able to handle it.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden" Adam would never remember where
he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates that Adam needed
someone to blame his troubles on when G-d caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."
He only ends up getting himself in trouble.
1. When G-d finished the creation of Adam, he stepped back, scratched his head and said, "I can do better than that."
Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah-he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter-she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a
little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the first drug addict in the Bible?
A. Nebuchadnezzar-he was on grass for seven years.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson-he brought the house down.
Q. How did Adam and Eve feel when expelled from the Garden of Eden?
A. They were really put out.
Q. What is one of the first things that Adam and Eve did after they were
kicked out?
A. They raised Cain.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in
Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home
Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David-he rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.
Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan-the banks were always overflowing.
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Q: Which Bible character had no parents?
A: Joshua, son of Nun.
Q: How do we know that they played cards in the ark?
A: Because Noah sat on the deck.
The first Jewish woman President is elected. She calls her Mother, "Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come to the swearing-in ceremony."
"I don't know, what would I wear?"
"Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker"
"But I only eat kosher food"
"Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food"
"But how will I get there?"
"I'll send a limo, just come mama"
"Ok, Ok, if it makes you happy."
The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court Justices
and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on her right. "You see that girl, the one with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor!"
Short Quips
* Talk about terrible dilemmas. Pity the poor Jewish Mother whose son was gay and dating a doctor.
A catholic woman, a protestant woman, and a jewish woman die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate to heaven. The cathodic woman says," I've been a good wife and mother,I took good care of my family and I want to go to heaven. St. Peter tells her to go to the left. The protestant woman says," I've been a good woman. I kept my house clean and cooked and took care of my family, and went to church every Sun." St. Peter tells her to step to the left. The jewish woman tells St. Peter," I'm a good woman, I made Shabbos every Fri. went to temple on the holidays and took care of my family. " St. Peter tells her to step to the right. She says," Why did you tell me to go to the right and you told the other 2 women to go to the left?" St. Peter says to her, "Don't you want to go to the beauty salon first?
A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him.
"So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened
bread, what do you do with the crumbs?"
"Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make
bread of them again and send it to us."
"Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the
ends?"
"We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and
send them to us."
"And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?"
The rabbi, wearily, replies, "We send them to the city as well."
"To the city!? And what do they send to you?"
"Today they have sent you to us."
Three Jewish mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them.
Sadie says "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. What a good boy he is and how much he loves his mother."
Minnie says, "You call that love? You know the Eldorado Cadillac I just got for Mother's Day? That's from my son Bernie. What a doll."
Shirley says, "That's nothing. You know my son Stanley? He's in analysis with a psychoanalyst on Park Ave. Five session a week at a thousand dollars an hour. And what does he talk about? Me."
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIKE HANUKKAH
10. No roof damage from reindeer
9. Never a silent night when you're among your Jewish loved ones
8. If someone screws up on their gift, there are seven more days to correct it
7. Betting Hanukkah gelt (the chocolate coins) on candle races
6. You can use your fireplace
5. Naked spin-the-dreidel games
4. Fun waxy buildup on the menorah
3. No awkward explanations of virgin birth
2. Good cheer optional
1. No Irving Berlin songs
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench outside a church on a Sunday morning.
They are both dressed in rags, each is holding a top hat, the one has a large
cross around his neck and the other a large Star of David. After church, the congregants file out, each placing money in the hat belonging to the beggar with the cross while ignoring the beggar with the Star of David. Soon the hat of the beggar with the cross is overflowing with money while the other
beggar's hat remains empty.
A priest who has been watching this approaches the bench and says to the
beggar with the Star of David around his neck, "My son, surely you realize you
are in a Christian country, in a Christian neighborhood, on a Sunday morning,
sitting outside a church? How can you possibly expect anyone to give you any money, especially since you are wearing a large Star of David around your neck?"
On hearing this the beggar with the Star of David around his neck turns to the
other beggar and says, "Moshe, can you believe this priest trying to tell us
how to run our business"!
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."
As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of
ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the
minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.
The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in MY congregation, its my
face they would recognize."
A Jewish man walks into a bar and sits down. He has a few drinks, then he sees a Chinese man and punches him in the face.
"Ouch!" the Chinese man says. What was that for?"
"That was for Pearl Harbor," the Jewish man says. "
"But I'm Chinese!"
"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" And
the Jewish man sits back down. Then, the Chinese man walks up to the Jewish man and punches him in the face.
"Ouch!" the Jewish man says. "What was that for?"
"That was for the Titanic," the chinese man says."
But that was an iceberg!"
"Ice berg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"
All of the above submitted by the Adorable Annabeth
A Catholic chauffeur was bragging to his friend how well the Jewish family who employed him treated him. "You wouldn't believe it," he said. "I get tips galore, and they always buy me lunch or dinner when I drive. My salary is great, with benefits! I get off all holidays, including the Jewish ones, like Rosh Hashanah."
"That sounds pretty good," said the friend. "But what's Rosh Hashanah?"
"Oh, that's when they blow the shofar."
"Wow!" said the amazed friend. "Those are SOME benefits!"
Submitted by Angel C.
A nice New York Jewish high school girl decides to go out West to
college, and selects a school in Montana, near an Indian reservation. Her folks are distraught, of course, but what ever makes her happy is fine with them.
Several semesters go by, and one day she phones home and says, "Mom, I
met the greatest guy. We have been dating, and I really like him!" Her mother asks the inevitable question, "Is he Jewish?" She answers, "No, but he's wonderful. As a matter of fact, he's a full blooded Indian." Again, the mother says, "Whatever will make you happy."
A couple of years later, she again phones home and says, "Mom, I have
such exciting news. I married my Indian, and we are going to have a baby!"
Well, the mother, now distraught at the prospect of a half-Indian grandchild, isn't too happy. But the daughter says they for sure will give
the child a Jewish name.
After the child is born, the daughter and the new baby take a trip to
New York, to meet the grandparents. They call to have the parents meet them at the airport. As he plane lands, they comes down the walkway from the plane. Running up to her folks, she exclaims, "Mom! Dad! I want you to meet your grandson, Whitefish!"
Three bubbes were sitting around and bragging about their children. The first one says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class from
Stanford, he's now a doctor making $250,000 a year in Chicago"
The second woman says, "You know my son, he graduated first in his class
from Harvard, he's now a lawyer making half a million dollars a year and he
lives in Los Angeles."
The last woman says, "You know my son, he never did too well is school, he never went to any university but he now makes 1 million dollars a Year in New York working as a sports repairman" The other two women ask "Vos is a sports repairman?"
The Bubbe replies, "He fixes hockey games, football games, baseball games . . ."
Two elderly Jewish ladies meet on a street corner, (in San Francisco, of
course!)
"So Sadie, how's by you I haven't seen you in years?"
"Marvelous, Rivkeh, things couldn't be better! My son Harold is an
Accountant making lots of money. My daughter Cynthia married a rich man,
and both of my children have given me beautiful grandchildren
and so much naches...but enough about my joys...so what's by you and your
family?"
"Oy Sadie, don't ask! Me, I have such tsores!"
"Nu Rivkeh, I'm so sorry to hear that; but what kind of tsores?"
"It's my son Arnold. He revealed to us that he's a faygeleh."
"Oy, a faygeleh, what a disaster!"
"I know, but we do have a consolation..."
"Vos for a consolation with a faygeleh?"
"Well, he's going with such a nice Jewish boy who's going to be a doctor!"
Submitted by Ben B. (Novato Ben)
THE ORIGINAL JEWISH STAND UP
by JRStarguy (Joseph Barclay Ross)
Hi. My mother was Christian and my father was Jewish, so we didn't trim the Xmas tree, we circumcised it. We didn't give xmas presents, we bought them wholesale. But at least I got to take a lawyer to confession (actually a Bill Maher joke).
I remember my father going to pray and saying, "G-d, please have mercy on
me. My son is abandoning the old ways. He's going with a shiksa (female gentile). He celebrates Christmas. He's even thinking of converting. Lord, my son, Lord, my son ..." And then a big voice came out of heaven and said "YOUR son ..."
The Bible is full of humor. Like in Genesis 21: 5-6 "And Abraham was an hundred years old, when his son Isaac was born unto him. And Sarah said, G-d hath made me to laugh, so that all that hear will laugh with me." So you guys out there, remember if your wife laughs at your sexual performance, you're not the first one!
And the first pratfall, Gen 17:17: "Then Abraham fell on his face, and laughed" -- and this was way before the Three Stooges!
Despite the square image some would give him, Christ was hip, Christ was
cool, he had a sense of humor. He said in Luke 6:21 "Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh." And he could be sarcastic. Like in Luke 5:30-31 when the scribes and Pharisees (lawyers and politicians) said to him, "Why do you drink and eat with publicans and sinners?" And Jesus answering said unto them, "They that are whole need not a physician; but they that are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance." Yeah, like you guys are so cool already, you don't need me.
Or when these same Pharisees said, "How dare you say you are the son of
G-d" (and by he way in the Lord's prayer He says "OUR Father who art in heaven" -- so he is saying we are ALL G-d's children), he could have
taken an easy way out and mollified these good gentlemen who were
following "the moderate path that leads to hell," but rather he said,
"If G-d were your Father you would love me ... Ye are of your father the
devil." Whew, shades of Don Rickles! Some of the things he said seem serious and cruel until you hear that tone of playful jamming in them, like when his disciples couldn't heal the mentally deranged man in Matthew 17:17 and he says to them, "O faithless and perverse generation,
how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him
hither to me." Kinda like a gym coach saying, what are you a bunch of punks?
Or my personal favorite, when his great straight men again, the scribes
and Pharisees, tried to lay guilt on him for healing on the Sabbath day,
he says in John 7:23-24, "If a man on the sabbath day receiveth circumcision, that the law of Moses should not be broken; are ye angry at me because I have made a man EVERY WHIT WHOLE" (ba da ba boom!)" on the sabbath day? Judge not according to the appearance, but judge righteous judgment."
And isn't that what stand up is all about? Deflating pretension and
hypocrisy and pointing out the real truth belying the false socially
acceptable truth.
Wasn't Jesus the first "politically incorrect" comic -- the original
Jewish stand up? And isn't humor often the great healer, that which lifts our spirits when we are down, beaten up by the world? "Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice and be exceeding glad; for great is your reward in heaven." -- Matthew 5:11,12, the Sermon on The Mount.
Ah, G-d works in mysterious ways. Like the guy who is drowning and prays for G-d to save him. So a rowboat comes by and the skipper says hop in, but the drowning man says, "No, I know that G-d will save me." And then a helicopter hovers overhead, but the man says, "No, I have faith that G-d will save me." And finally, after the guy drowns, he says to G-d, "Why didn't you save me, Lord?" And G-d says, "What's the deal? Didn't you see the rowboat and the helicopter I sent you?"
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Joyous Kwanza, Happy New Year to All!
Why Chanukah is better than Christmas
- There's no "Kathy Lee Gifford Special".
- Eight days of presents
- No need to clean the chimney.
- There's no latke-nog.
- Burl Ives doesn't sing Chanukah songs.
- You won't be pressured to buy Chanukah Seals.
- You won't see, "You're a Putz, Charlie Brown."
- No barking dog version of "I had a Little Dreidel."
- No pine needles to vacuum up afterwards.
- Latkes are cheaper to mail than fruitcakes.
All of the above submitted by Angel the Shiksa from Las Vegas
Subject: A sign from above
So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological
arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.
One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority
rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided
to appeal to a higher authority.
"Oh, G-d!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right and
they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"
It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his
prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It
rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from G-d! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.
So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, G-d, I need a bigger sign to
show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, G-d, a
bigger sign!" This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed
toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning
slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.
"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted
that nothing had happened that could not be explained by
natural causes.
The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just
as he said, "Oh G-d...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth
shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S
RIIIIIIIGHT!"
The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three,
and said, "Well?"
"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."
Submitted by David A.
The little gentleman of Hebraic extraction is crossing the street, and gets
knocked down by a car. Although only slightly hurt, the ambulance rushes up, the attendant puts a blanket over him and a pillow under his head, and asks, "Sir, sir, are your comfortable?"
The little man looks up and says, "Vell, I make a living!"
A schiksa tells her husband to buy Viagra.
A J.A.P. tells her husband to buy Pfizer!
Submitted by Novato Ben
If You Knew What I Have...
A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of a seated
young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady.
It is hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.
Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus driver,
"Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you have?"
The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, "Chutzpah!"
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Jake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection.
One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the Obits page.
He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous...
It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up.
"Jake, are you up yet?"
Jake sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee."
"Jake. open the newspaper to page 31."
"Why, what's in the paper?"
"Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!"
"Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?"
"Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!"
"All right, don't be such a pain in the butt so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?"
"Jake, look at the bottom of column 4."
"Why? What's that story on?"
"Jake, read the story on the bottom of the column already!"
"OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!"
The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues.
Finally, Jake comes on the line quietly and fearfully, "So Saul, where are you calling me from right now?"
Thanks again to our friends Bob G. and NANAN40!! :-Þ
A man, called to testify at the IRS (The US tax authority) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.
"Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get . . . screwed."
Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.
Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling
around, we won't bring you next time."
Submitted by Pony
A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As he settles in he glances up and sees the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of nervous anticipation washed over him. Lo and behold, she takes the seat right beside his.
Anxious to strike up a conversation he blurts out, "So, where
are you flying today?"
She turns and smiles and says, "To the annual Nymphomaniac convention in Chicago."
He swallows hard, and is instantly crazed with excitement.
Here's the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen sitting right next to
him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to
maintain his outward cool, he calmly asks, "And what's your role at this
convention?"
She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths are those?"
She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that African American
men are the most well-endowed when , in fact, it is the Native American
Indian who is most likely to possess this trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish
descent who romance women best, on average."
"Very interesting," the man responds. Suddenly, the woman
becomes very embarrassed and blushes, "I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward discussing this with you, and I don't even know your name."
The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto. Tonto Goldstein."
For *You* I Should Be Singing?!?
- Honky-Tonk Nights on the Golan Heights
- I Lost My Goil to a Mohel (And Now I'm All Cut Up)
- I Was One of the Chosen People ('Til She Chose Somebody Else)
- I've Got My Foot On The Glass, Where Are You?
- Mama Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Gentiles
- My Rowdy Friend Elijah's Comin' Over Tonight.
- New bottle of Whiskey, Same Old Testament
- Stand by Your Mensch
- Achy Breaky Hip
- I Got the Guilt, You Got the Gelt
(I Went and Cut Another Notch in My Belt)
- I'm Cryin' in My Manischewitz ('Cause I Lost Rebecca Levitz)
- Ever Since My Circumcision, My Baby's Been Short With Me
- All My Exes Made an Exodus
- The Shiksa's Gonna Hit the Fan
- Four Thousand Years of Sufferin', and I Had to Marry You
- My Woman Gave Me Crabs, and That Ain't Kosher
- I've Starved and I've Suffered and I've Parted the Sea
Just to Find That Your Bush Wasn't Burnin' For Me
- Homeland on the Range
- Alright, Already, Enough With The Infidelity!
Two men were down on their luck and decided to paint houses to earn some extra money. To start their business they asked the rabbi of a local temple if he would be interested in their service. He agreed and
the men went out to buy the paint.
As they drove to the paint store they decided that they would mix half paint and half water to try to increase their profits.
When they finished the job they called the rabbi outside to look at their work. "It looks wonderful," the rabbi said and as he started to
hand them the check a small rain cloud appeared. All at once there was lightning and thunder and the temple area was drenched with rain. As the rain hit the temple the paint started running.
Suddenly, as the three of them stood there in disbelief, a voice from heaven roared . . . "Repaint. Repaint and thin no more."
Chanukah's over, there's no money in the place.
As for the latkes, there isn't a single trace.
All that remains is the look of pleasure
on each and every face.
Chanukah's over, tell every boychick and maidel.
Can you get carpal tunnel from playing too much dreidel?
Chanukah's over, a little too quick in my opinion.
At least to have a party we didn't need to have a minion.
Chanukah's over, now all the tumult is quiet,
Just in time for our long winter diet.
All of the above submitted by the Flatbush Escapee
NOTE: The Jewish High Holidays (Rosh Hashannah and Yom Kippur)
are the two major holidays where most Jews around the world
attend synagogue. Because the synagogues become so crowded,
there is assigned seating to keep it orderly. Getting "good" seats is always a challenge - and here is a letter from the
president of the synagogue to its members.
Dear Member,
During the last holiday season, many individuals expressed
concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In
order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we
ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to
the synagogue office as soon as possible:
- I would prefer to sit in the:
___ Talking section
___ No talking section
- If talking, which subcategory do you prefer?
___ Stock market
___ My neighbors
___ Sports
___ My relatives
___ Medicine
___ The rabbi
___ General gossip
___ The cantor
___ Specific gossip
___ The gabbai
___ Fashion news
___ The Prime Minister
___ Sex
___ Other (Please Specify)
- Which of the following would you like to be near so that you
might receive free professional advice:
___ Lawyer
___ Accountant
___ Doctor
___ Stockbroker
___ Chiropractor
___ Real estate agent
___ Sexologist
___ Dentist
- I want a seat located
___ near my in-laws
___ near the pulpit
___ far from my in-laws
___ near the Kiddish table
___ far from my ex-in-laws
___ near the exit
- I wish to be seated in a seat where:
___ I can see my spouse over the mechitza (a curtain or wall separating men and women)
___ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
___ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
___ My spouse cannot see me seeing my friend's spouse
over the mechitza
___ No one on the bimah can see me talking during services
___ I can sleep during services
___ I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
- Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
___________________________
___________________________
Your name: __________________
Phone number: _______________
Submitted by Jill E. Bean of Everett, WA
Q: How many JAPS does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to open the Diet Pepsi, and one to call daddy.
Rachel A.
Noah's Ark
ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH'S ARK
1. Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.
2. Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone might
ask you to do something REALLY big.
3. Don't listen to critics -- do what has to be done.
4. Build on high ground.
5. For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
6. Two heads are better than one.
7. Speed isn't always an advantage. The cheetahs were
on board, but so were the snails.
8. If you can't fight or flee -- float!
9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones
on earth.
10. Don't forget that we're all in the same boat.
11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don't sit there
and complain -- shovel !!!
12. Stay below deck during the storm.
13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and
the Titanic was built by professionals.
14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.
15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often
a bigger threat than the storm outside.
16. Don't miss the boat.
17. No matter how bleak it looks, there's always a
rainbow on the other side.
A town in Poland had only one cow and it stopped giving milk. The
townspeople did a little research and discovered they could get a cow from
Moscow for 2000 rubles - or one from Minsk for only 1000 rubles. So, naturally, --- they got the cow from Minsk.
It was a great cow: had a wonderful disposition, and gave lots of milk and
lots of cream. Everybody loved it dearly. The people decided they would mate the cow and get more cows like it, and then they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
So they got a bull and led the cow and the bull into the pasture. When the bull came in from the right to mount the cow, the cow moved to the left. When the bull moved in to mount the cow from the left, the cow moved to the right. This went on all day. Finally, in desperation, the people decided to go ask the rabbi what to do. After all he was very wise.
They told him the story. "Rabbi, we've tried all day to mate our cow. When the bull moves in from the right the cow moves left and when the bull moves in from the left the cow moves to the right. What do we do?"
The Rabbi thought a moment and asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"
"Rabbi!" they replied as one, "You are so wise! We never said we bought the cow from Minsk. How did you know that?"
The Rabbi said, sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."
On a bus in Tel Aviv, a mother was talking animatedly, in Yiddish, to
her little boy -- who kept answering her in Hebrew. And each time the mother said, "No, no, talk Yiddish!" An impatient Israeli, overhearing this, exclaimed, "Lady, why do you insist the boy talk Yiddish instead of Hebrew?" Replied the mother; "I don't want him to forget he's a Jew."
A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and
sleeping disorder. "I am so obsessed with my mother. . . As soon as I go to
sleep, I start dreaming, and everyone in my dream turns into my
mother. I wake up in such a state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast."
The psychiatrist replies: "What, just one piece of toast,
for a big boy like you?"
Q. Why aren't there any Jewish mothers on parole boards?
A. They'd never let anyone finish a sentence!
Q: What's Jewish Alzheimer's Disease?
A: It's when you forget everything but the guilt.
Jewish Mothers
After 40 years, mother finally got her citizenship papers and proudly
registered to vote. Well, Mother received a notice to report for jury duty, and to our surprise was not only selected for a jury but was elected the foreman. It was a criminal case. A husband had shot his wife's lover, but only grazed his arm. The jury was out for over four hours before returning. Everyone waited with bated breath as the judge asked my mother whether the jury had reached a verdict, Mother stood up, and firmly replied, "We have, your honor, we decided not to butt in."
Sophie and Shirley, two elderly widows in a Florida adult community, are
curious about the latest arrival in their building -- a quiet, nice looking
gentleman who keeps to him. Shirley says, "Sophie, you know I'm shy. Why don't you go over to him at the pool and find out a little about him. He looks so lonely." Sophie agrees, and later that day at the pool, she walks up to him and says, "Excuse me, mister. I hope I'm not prying, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely."
"Of course I'm lonely," he says, "I've spent the past 20 years in prison."
"You're kidding? What for? "
"For killing my third wife. I strangled her."
"What happened to your second wife?"
"I shot her. "
"And, if I may ask, your first wife?"
"We had a fight and she fell off a building."
"Oh my," says Sophie. Then turning to her friend on the other side of the pool, she yells, "Yoo hoo, Shirley. He's single."
An old Jewish man was dying in the hospital. His family - wife, children, and grandchildren - came to see him but only one was allowed in
the room at a time. Grandson Ben went in first.
"Hello, Grampa Moishe. Can I do something for you?"
"Yes," said Grampa Moishe. Go tell Gramma
Sadie I want some of her chopped liver. Ben went out and told Gramma
Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa Moishe he can't have any chopped liver.
It would kill him. " Ben went back in and reported. "You tell Gramma Sadie I want the chopped liver. I'm dying anyway and it won't make any difference."
Ben went and told Gramma Sadie, who said, "Go tell Grampa
Moishe he can't have any. The chopped liver is for the Shiva."
Moishe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife.
The postmaster says, "This package is too heavy, you'll need another stamp,"
Moishe replies, "And that should make it lighter?!"
Q: What is the proper blessing to recite before logging on to the Internet?
A: "Modem anachnu lach."
Q: What is the technical term for an uncircumcised Jew who is older than
8-days old?
A: A girl!
If Bill Gates were Jewish
- Instead of getting a "General Protection Fault" error, your PC would
get "Fehrklempt."
- When you fill up your "C-drive," you will get a "Hard Drive is
Shtupped" message.
- Hanukkah screen savers will have "Flying Dreidels".
- Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
- CD-ROM's would be rendered obsolete with the invention of high
compression DVBs (digital video bagels).
- Your "Start" button would be replaced with a "Let's go! I'm not
getting any younger!" button.
- "Abort, Retry, Ignore" would be replaced with "Stop it already -
You're killing me! You vant I should try it again? I didn't hear that!".
- When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you
would be instructed to "Remove the cable from your PC's tuchis."
- Your multimedia player would be renamed to "Nu, so play my music
already!"
- During Passover, your PC would not be able to read "leavened
floppies".
- "Microsoft Word" would be renamed to "Microsoft Kibbitz."
- Microsoft Office would include "A little byte of this, and a little
byte of that".
- When running "scandisk", you will be prompted with a "You vant I
should fix this?" message.
- When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud
"Oy!!!"
- A "monitor cleaning solution" from Manischewitz would advertise
that it gets rid of the "schmutz" on your monitor.
- After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go "Schloffen."
- Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.
- Solitaire would be replaced with on-line "Bingo" or "Mah-Jong."
- Internet Explorer would now have a spinning "Star of David" in the
upper right corner.
- After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
- You would hear the tune "Hava Nagila" during startup.
- "Year 2000" issues are replaced by "Year 5760-5761" issues.
- Bill Gates' official theme song would be "If I Were a Rich Man."
The Rabbi's Teachings
A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session.
The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man,"but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi...
"Why Not???" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"
Gotlieb called his Rabbi and said, "I know tonight is Kol Nidre, but tonight the Yankees start the playoffs. Rabbi, I'm a life long Yankee fan. I've got to watch the Yankee game on TV".
The Rabbi responds, "Gotlieb, that's what VCR's are for".
Gotlieb is surprised. "You mean I can tape Kol Nidre?"
Submitted by Harry L. of VA
THE FIRST JEWISH PRESIDENT of the United States calls his mother in
Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving.
She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble. I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd ...
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at
the airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in
the middle . . . it's just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll to carry
my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab. It's really
too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! ! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."
She answers, "Yes, that's nice . . . but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like the rooms..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House!"
She responds, "Well . . . all right . . . I guess I'll come."
The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty:
Betty: "Hello, Sylvia . . . so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"
Betty: "The doctor?"
Sylvia: "No . . . the other one."
Submitted by Coolhand
An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice."
The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"
"Never Father, I'm Jewish."
"So then, why are you telling me? " "I'm telling everybody."
These two Jewish men are sitting in a wonderful deli frequented almost exclusively by Jews in the Jewish section of town. They are talking amongst themselves in Yiddish. A Chinese waiter comes up and in fluent impeccable Yiddish asks them if everything is okay, can he get them anything, and so forth. The Jewish men are dumbfounded."
My G-d, where did he learn such perfect Yiddish?" they both think. After they pay the bill they ask, "Where did our waiter learn such fabulous Yiddish?"
The owner looks around and leans in so no else one will hear and says, "Shhhh. He thinks we're teaching him English."
Submitted by Laurence of Suburbia
Rules for Jewish Living
- Never take a front-row seat at a Bris.
- If you can't say something nice, say it in Yiddish.
- The High Holidays have nothing to do with marijuana.
- And what's wrong with dry turkey?
- A good kugel sinks in mercury.
- Pork is forbidden, but a pig in a blanket makes a nice hors
d'oeurvre.
- Always whisper the names of diseases.
- One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
- Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.
- The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which
alternate-side-of-the-street parking is suspended.
- A bad matzoh ball makes a good paperweight.
- Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
- According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten
only in Chinese restaurants.
- If you are going to whisper at the movies, make sure it's loud
enough for everyone else to hear.
- No meal is complete without leftovers.
- If you have to ask the price, you can't afford it. But if you can,
make sure you tell everybody what you paid.
- The only good thing more important than a good education is a good parking spot at the mall.
- It's not whom you know, it's whom you know that had breast implants.
- After the destruction of the Second Temple, God created Loehmann's.
- WASPs leave and never say goodbye, Jews say goodbye and never
leave.
- Israel is the land of milk and honey; Florida is the land of
milk-of-magnesia.
- If you don't eat, it will kill me.
- Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
- Next year in Jerusalem. The year after, how about a nice cruise?
- Spring ahead, Fall back, Winter in Miami.
- Laugh now, but one day you'll be driving a big Cadillac and eating
dinner at four in the afternoon.
- There comes a time in every man's life when he must stand up and
tell his mother that he is an adult. This usually happens at around
age 45.
Submitted by Audrey
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