MISHMASH

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed.   Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side.

He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you."

The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?"

The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise."

The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?"

The brother replied, "Denephew."

Submitted by JillEBean for J.Yesewa

Morris calls his son in NY and says, "Benny, I have something to tell you.  However, I don't want to discuss it.  I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know.   I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama."

The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.

"I don't want to get into it.   My mind is made up."

"But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together.   What happened?"

"It's too painful to talk about it.   I only called because you're my son, and I thought you should know.   I really don't want to get into it anymore than this.   You can call your sister and tell her.   It will spare me the pain."

"But where's Mama? Can I talk to her?"

"No, I don't want you to say anything to her about it.   I haven't told her yet.   Believe me it hasn't been easy.   I've agonized over it for several days, and I've finally come to a decision.   I have an appointment with the lawyer the day after tomorrow."

"Dad, don't do anything rash.   I'm going to take the first flight down.   Promise me that you won't do anything until I get there."
"Well, all right, I promise.   Next week is Passover.   I'll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder.   Call your sister in NJ and break the news to her.   I just can't bear to talk about it anymore."

A half hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving in Florida the day after tomorrow.  "Benny told me that you don't want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won't do anything until we both get there."

Morris promises.   After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, "Well, it worked this time, but what are we going to do next Yom Tov to get them to come down?"

From The Leichters of Virginia, USA

They don't:
Dress up in white sheets and burn crosses on people's lawns.
Listen to Rush Limbaugh.
Ride horses and shoot guns at the same time.
Sail around the world single-handedly.
Use leaf blowers.
Let cleaning ladies go without lunch, even if it's only chunk tuna.
Become Olympic figure skaters.
Christen ships.
Leave any floral arrangements on the tables at the end of a wedding.
Give money to Pat Robertson.
Name their children Clint, Rod or Paddy.
Eat grits, greens and ham hocks.
Chew tobacco.
Make quilts.
Shop at Piggly Wiggly.
Get a "farmer's tan."
Become Scientologists.
Become sushi chefs.
Think they're too thin or their hips are too narrow.
Rule out plastic surgery.
Wear short acrylic nails.
Fake orgasm unless absolutely necessary.
Fight bulls.
Cut cane.
Play the tuba in an oompah band.
Become lumberjacks or lobster fishermen.
Sell roses by the side of the freeway.
Dive for pearls.
Get drunk and sing "Danny Boy" at funerals.
Root for Vanessa Redgrave at the Oscars.
Join the bomb squad.
Get into shark cages.
Work as rodeo clowns.
Serve plum pudding.
Refuse to go for Chinese food.
Play mah-jong with Asians.
Wear crucifixes except as a fashion statement.
Call their parents as often as their parents think they should.
Call jeans "dungarees" or soft drinks "pop."
Let the gray show.
Wear loafers without socks.
Say "some of my best friends are . . . "
Marry into the British royal family.
Ride to hounds.
Lose their sense of humor when people make jokes about them.

Joanie's Dentist, Steven L. of Dallas, Texas

A couple was celebrating their 60th Anniversary at a dinner with their children and grandchildren (many.)   The husband was asked to make a speech.   He got up,raised his glass and said:

"Grandma and I want to thank you for coming and helping us celebrate our special anniversary.   I do, however, have an announcement for all of you.   Grandma & I are getting divorced."

When questioned by their son, why Dad, after all these years do you now divorce, the Grandfather explained, "Well son, after 60 years of marriage, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!"

Carole and Steven R.'s Rabbi

An El Al flight is about to take off.  Over the intercom the passengers hear, "Ladies and gentlemen, welcome aboard.   Your hostesses are Mrs. Sarah Klein, Mrs. Miriam Stern and Mrs. Esther Schwartz.   Now let me introduce you to my son, the pilot."

Success:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

The Style:
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Money Management:
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one-dollar item he wants.
A woman will pay one dollar for a two-dollar item that she doesn't want.

Happiness:
To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Marriage Expectations:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Marriage Decisions:
Men marry because they are tired.
Women marry because they are curious.
Both are disappointed.

Marriage and the Future:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Memories:
A woman will always cherish the memory of the man who wanted to marry her.
A man cherishes the memory of the woman who he didn't marry.

Understanding Women:
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman Before marriage and After marriage.

What a Woman Wants:

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
One is to let her think she is having her own way.
The other is to let her have it.

Longevity:
Married men live longer than single men, but
Married men are a lot more willing to die.

Mistakes:
Any married man should forget his mistakes - no use for two people remembering the same thing.

The Battle:
A woman always has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Sad but true huh?

If you are an aspiring Jew or marrying into a Jewish family, there are certain things you must know to survive. Take this quiz to see if you've learned enough to function in your new Jewish family:

• 1. There are no Jews living in
• a. sin
• b. El Paso
• c. trailer parks
• 2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to:
• a. do windows
• b. make latkes
• c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings
• 3. To Make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be:
• a. gentle
• b. housebroken
• c. stuffed
• 4. Jews spend their vacations:
• a. sightseeing
• b. sunbathing
• c. discussing where they spent their last vacation and where they'll spend the next
• 5. A Jewish mouth never
• a. lies
• b. closes
• c. contains gold teeth
• 6. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are:
• a. up on the newest styles
• b. entitle to free haircuts
• c. not Jewish
• 7. Wilderness means
• a. no running water
• b. no electricity
• c. no hot and sour soup
• 8. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is:
• a. jogging
• b. tennis
• c. howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments
• 9. Jews never drive
• a. unsafely
• b. on Saturdays
• c. eighteen wheelers
• 10. A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is
• a. Easter lilies
• b. a crucifix
• c. a Zippo lighter
• 11. A Jewish skydiver is
• a. careful
• b. insured
• c. an apparition
• 12. Jews never eat at restaurants that
• a. aren't kosher
• b. cost too much
• c. have paintings for sale
• 13. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to
• a. become a prostitute
• b. deface a synagogue
• c. remove the back of a TV set
• 14. There is no such thing as a Jewish
• a. black belt
• b. obscene caller
• c. toll collector
• 15. Jews never sing
• a. off-key
• b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu"
• c. around a piano bar
• 16. You won't catch a Jewish person on a
• a. horse
• b. backhoe
• c. toot
• 17. Jews are ambivalent about
• a. vegetarianism
• b. Jesse Jackson
• c. absolutely nothing

Scoring: Take 1 point for each "a" answer, 2 for each "b", 3 for each "c".

39-41: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or your from either Florida or New York. They'll adore you.

29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're used to.

17-28: Sorry. Better study harder. Or consider getting a divorce and buying a Denny's franchise.

You might get a chuckle out of these actual personal ads that appeared in Israeli papers:

Sincere rabbinical student, 27. Enjoys Yom Kippur, Tisha B'av, Taanis Esther, Tzom Gedaliah, Asarah B'Teves, Shiva Asar B'Tammuz. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane. POB 90.

Yeshiva bochur, Torah scholar, long beard, payos. Seeks same in woman. POB 43.

Very pretty, slim, lulav would like to meet fragrant, squeezable esrog. Let's do hoshanas together. Pitum a must. POB 677.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan! Write. POB 74.

I've had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I'm ready to settle down. So where are all the nice Jewish men hiding? POB 68.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality. POB 78.

Are you the girl I spoke with at the kiddush after shul last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie). POB 766.

Shochet, 54, owns successful butcher shop in Midwest. Doesn't believe women should be treated like a piece of meat. Seeks glatt kosher maydl for marriage. POB 99.

Kiss me, kiss my mezuzah. Sincere Jewish female, 29, looking for honest, hard working, observant Jewish zivig to share Shabbos, yom tov, mikvah. POB 322.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, Zohar, exorcism of dybbuks, seeks mensch. No weirdos, please. POB 56.

Staunch Jewish feminist, wears tzitzis, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it. POB 435.

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, havdallah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker. POB 787.

Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for american-born woman who speaks English very good. POB 555.

Couch potato latke, in search of the right applesauce. Let's try it for eight days. Who knows? POB 43.

80-year-old bubby, no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can't I? POB 545.

Matzo supplier, 53, seeks cloth bag manufacturer. Let's play "Hide the Afikomen." POB 67.

Conservative rabbi, 45, I count women for the minyan and call them up to the Torah. Seeking female to make aliyah. POB 50.

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please. POB 86.

Jewish male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me. POB 53.

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp. POB 76.c:\navhmi\data\global.sig

Adorable Ann

Four guys were on a cross-country roadtrip together.  They were from Idaho, Iowa, New York, and Florida.

The car had been enroute for about two hours when the man from Idaho rolled down his window and began tossing potatoes from a bag he had with him out of the car.

The guy from Florida said, "What the heck are you doing?"

"We have WAY too many potatoes in Idaho!" he replied, "and this is a great way to get rid of some!"

After another hour passed, the Iowan rolled down his window, opened his duffle bag, and began tossing out ears of corn.

The New Yorker said, "Now what the heck are YOU doing?"

To which the Iowan replied, "Well, WE have far too much corn in Iowa, so I figured this would be a great opportunity to get rid of some of IT!"

About two hours later, the Floridian rolled down his window and tossed out the man from New York.

So it seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three were always in accord against the fourth.   One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried.   "I know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong!   Please give me a sign to prove it to them!"

It was a beautiful, sunny day.   As soon as the rabbi finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four.   It rumbled once and dissolved.   "A sign from God!   See, I'm right, I knew it!"   But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm clouds form on hot days.

So the rabbi prayed again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign!"

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends insisted that nothing had happened that could not be explained by natural causes.

The rabbi was getting ready to ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...," the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep, booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

Annabeth

A priest goes into a barbershop, gets a haircut, thanks the barber, and asks how much he owes him.   The barber says, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I couldn't charge you, it's on the house."   The priest says "Thank you very much" and leaves.

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 gold coins.

A few days later, a Buddhist monk goes in for a shave and a shine, and when the time comes to pay the barber says, "No money, please, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, it's on the house."

The next day, magically appearing on the doorstep are 12 rubies.

The following week a rabbi comes in, gets a haircut, goes to pay, and the barber says, "No, Rabbi, you are a learned man, a wise man, I can't take any money from you, go in peace."

And the next day, magically appearing on the doorstep of the barbershop are 12 rabbis.

A Jewish traveling salesman enters the compartment in which an officer of the German/Prussian army sits.   The salesman greets: "Good afternoon, may I introduce myself, my name is Rosenfeld, I am travelling for the company Goldberg & Blumenthal".

The officer stands up, salutes and responds in the typical snappish army tone: "My name is Major von Zitzeswitz, I am travelling for Kaiser und Reich (=Emperor and Empire)!"

The Jew started to ponder: "Kaiser & Reich, Kaiser & Reich, I never heard about that company, but according to its name it must be Jewish!"

Shloyme Silberstein has has become rich and wants to show off... So he bought a Ferrari.

But his wife insisted: "Shloyme, promise me you will not drive in that new car until the Rabbi has given a Broche on the car!"

Shloyme agrees and goes to the orthodox Rabbi.

Shloyme: "Rabbi, please make a Broche on my Ferrari!"

O. Rabbi: "What is a Ferrari?"

Shloyme: "That is a sports car with a twelve cylinder engine, and..."

The O. Rabbi interrupts him: "A car with twelve headdresses?

That is nonsense, I will not do that."

Shloyme returns to his wife and reports what happened. His wife answers: "Well, then you must go the Reform Rabbi!"

Shloyme goes to the Reform Rabbi and says:  "Rabbi, please make a Broche on my Ferrari!"

The Reform Rabbi is excited: "You have this new 12 cylinder Ferrari, with 450 horse power, top speed 200 mph? Would you allow me to make a test drive?"

Shloyme: "Yes, sure, but I want you to make a Broche first."

Reform Rabbi: "What is a 'Broche'?"

---

The Charity Concert

A concert in Carnegie Hall, many stars of classical music contribute.

The pianist Vladimir Horowitz enters the stage.

A Jewish spectator to his Jewish neighbor: "One of our people!"

Next: The violinist David Oistrach enters the stage.

Again: "Also one of ours!"

The violinist Isaac Stern, again "Also one of ours!"

Finally the non-Jew sitting behind the two Jews becomes nervous and sighs: "Oh Jesus!"

The Jew again: "Also one of hours!"

Shloyme Silberstein has become rich and wants to show off.   So he orders his driver to drive him to this new exclusive golf club with his new Cadillac.  But unfortunately a sign at the door unmistakably states that Jews are not permitted access.  So the driver wants to return, but not Shloyme!

Shloyme says: "Wait here for me."

His driver responds: "But don't you see the sign, they will kick you out immediately!"

Shloyme : "But I don't have to tell them I am Jewish."  And he leaves for the gate.

So the driver waits... One hour... two hours... three hours...  Indeed, finally after three and a half hours Shloyme is kicked out by two body-builder type guardsmen.

The driver asks: "What happened?"

Shloyme answers: "Everything was fine until we played hole number eight!   Accidentally I shot my ball into one of these ponds. I shouted: 'Oh, my G-d, what shall I do now?' And then the waters separated and everybody knew..."

After 40 years, mother finally got her citizenship papers and proudly registered to vote.   Well, Mother received a notice to report for jury duty, and to our surprise was not only selected for a jury but was elected the foreman.   It was a criminal case.   A husband had shot his wife's lover, but only grazed his arm.   The jury was out for over four hours before returning.   Everyone waited with bated breath as the judge asked my mother whether the jury had reached a verdict, Mother stood up, and firmly replied, "We have, your honor, we decided not to butt in."

---

My mother once gave me two sweaters for Christmas.   The next time we visited, I made sure to wear one.   As we entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's the matter ? You didn't like the other one?"

---

A man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing ?"   She said, "not to good. I've been very weak."   The son then asked, "Why are you so weak ?"   She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."   The son then asked, "How come you haven't eaten in 38 days."   She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."

---

On a bus in Tel Aviv, a mother was talking animatedly, in Yiddish, to her little boy - who kept answering her in Hebrew.   And each time the mother said, "No, no, talk Yiddish!"   An inpatient Israeli, overhearing this, exclaimed, "Lady, why do you insist the boy talk Yiddish instead of Hebrew?"   Replied the mother, "I don't want him to forget he's a Jew."

Once upon a time in a far away land there lived a king who had a Jewish advisor.   The king relied so much on the wisdom of his Jewish advisor that one day he decided to elevate him to his head advisor.   After it was announced, the other advisors objected.   After all, "It was bad enough," they complained, "just to sit in counsel with a Jew.   But to allow one to 'Lord it over them,' was just too much to bear."

Being a compassionate ruler, the King agreed with them, and ordered the Jew to convert.   What could the Jew do?   One had to obey the King, and so he did.

As soon as the act was done the Jew felt great remorse for this terrible sin.   As days became weeks, his remorse turned to despondency, and as weeks become months his mental depression took its toll on his physical health.   He became weaker and weaker.   Finally he could stand it no longer.   His mind was made up.

He burst in on the King and cried, "I was born a Jew and a Jew I must be. Do what you want with me, but I can no longer deny my faith."

The King was very surprised.   He had no idea that the Jew felt so strongly about it.   "Well if that is how you feel," he said, "then the other advisors will just have to learn to live with it.   Your counsel is much too important to me to do without.   Go and be a Jew again," he said.

The Jew felt so elated.   He hurried back home to tell the good news to his family.   He felt the strength surge back into his body as he ran.   Finally he burst into the house and called out to his wife.

"Rifka, Rifka, we can be Jews again, we can be Jews again."  His wife GLARED back at him angrily and said, "You couldn't wait until after Passover?"

A Priest , Minister, and Rabbi were having lunch.   The Priest was complaining about a problem he was having with mice in his Church.

The Minister said he had the same problem and called professional exterminators to get rid of the mice but they had no success.

The Rabbi said he once had the same problem but it no longer is a problem.

"How did you get rid of them?" asked the Priest and the Minister.

"Simple," said the Rabbi, " I put some cheese on top of the dais, and when the mice came to eat the cheese, I Bar Mitzvah'd them. That was the last time I ever saw them!"

An old Jewish woman took it upon herself to travel to Nepal to meet with this famous guru.   Her friends tried to dissuade her, saying that the trip was long and arduous, and with her varicose veins it could mean real trouble.   They could not talk her out of it, however.

So, she made her preparations and set out.   It began with a 36-hour flight on Air India with four stopovers, followed by 2 hours on a rickety propeller plane from WWI.   Then a ride on a cog railway.   Then a 2-day trek in a camel caravan over icy mountain paths.   She was half-dead when she reached the guru's village.   There she learned that it would be perhaps Ten days before she could have an audience with the guru because so many seekers had come to see him.   She was also told that when she entered the guru's tent, she would only be allowed to speak five words, since the guru was so busy.   So, she rested and prepared, all the while trying to choose her five words carefully.

Finally, the day came.   Into the tent she went and seated herself on the hard stool facing the guru.   And then she leaned over and spoke: "Enough already, Sheldon, come home."

Dan P., the Caddie Man

Two Martians alighted from their spaceship.   Over their weird clothes hung long black silk coats.   Instead of ears two twisted antennas protruded from each head, and perched on top was a black beaver bowler top.

A television news reporter arrived on the scene and managed to get close enough to one of the Martians to interview him.   "Do all Martians look like that?" he asked.

"No," answered the Martian, "only the Orthodox."

A lady went down for breakfast in her Miami Beach hotel.   She noticed another lady and went to speak to her.

"Hello, my dear, you're not from around here?", she asked.

"No", replied the second, "I'm from Mars."

Asked the first lady, "Mars? Do all Martian ladies have green skin as you do?"

"Yes, all Martian ladies have green skin like mine".

"And do all Martian ladies have 3 eyes as you do?"

"Yes, all Martian ladies have 3 eyes like me".

"And do all Martian ladies have 6 fingers on each hand as you do?"

"Yes, all Martian ladies have 6 fingers on each hand like I do"

"And do all Martian ladies have so many diamonds?"

"Not the goyim!"

Since there seems to be a trend, here's another...

A Martian runs into some turbulence over Earth and takes a rough landing. After he pulls himself out of his ship and dusts himself off, he sees that one of his wheels is broken. Not far away is a town, so he heads into town to see if he can find a replacement.

By good luck, he comes across a store with a sign showing a wheel, and a bunch of wheels in the window. He enters the store, gets the attention of the clerk behind the counter (hard to do, as the Martian is only a foot tall), and says, "Excuse me, I'd like to buy a wheel."

"Wheel?" says the clerk. "We don't have wheels here."

"Then what are those things in the window?"

"Oh, those aren't wheels. They're bagels."

"Gee, they look just like wheels. What do *you* use them for?"

"We eat them," says the clerk, and he hands a bagel to the Martian.

The Martian takes a taste, chews thoughtfully, and lights up. "Hey," he says, "I bet these would go great with cream cheese and lox!"

One more time for Ann

This young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon.

When they got back from the honeymoon, she immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.

"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mother," she replied...."the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic....we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language....stuff I'd never heard before....really terrible 4-letter words....you've got to come get me and take me home....PLEASE MOTHER!" And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.

"But honey," the mother countered...."WHAT 4-letter words?"

"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!"

"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset....tell mother the >4-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother....words like DUST....WASH....IRON....COOK!"

"HEAVENS," shouted the mother...."I'll be there to pick you up in two hours....pack your bags!"

When a man named Noah started building a boat in the middle of the desert, everybody laughed. They thought he was daft. But Noah wasn't listening to them, he was listening to the God of the Hebrews, who said to build a boat.

So Noah built a boat.

Noah called his boat an ark. When he finished it, he rounded up all the animals, two by two, to travel on his ark. People laughed at Noah's possums and panthers and penguins. They laughed at his cheetahs and chinchillas, giraffes and gazelles, and rhinoceroses and hippopotamuses. Into the ark went all the animals, two by two.

Pretty soon, it started to rain. It rained, and it poured, and it rained some more. People stopped laughing and the ark started floating. Noah and his family and all the animals, two by two, rode safely on the waters.

They sailed for 40 days and 40 nights. When the rains stopped, out of the ark came Noah and his family and all of the animals, two by two. Except one.

No one could find the little dog. Noah searched everywhere. He looked on the first deck. He looked on the second deck, then the third deck. Finally, in the farthest corner in the lowest deck, he found the little dog. The dog was shivering and standing with his nose pressed hard against the side of the boat.

"Come here, little dog!" called Noah. "It's time to come out! Here, doggie, doggie!" The little dog wouldn't move. Noah gently pulled him away.

"What's this?" said Noah. "A hole in the ark! The ark might have sunk! Little dog! You kept us safe, me, my family, and all of the animals, two by two! With your little nose!"

The little dog was proud. But mostly, he was hungry.

"Little dog," said Noah, as he pulled out a juicy bone, "so all the world and all the generations will know your great deed, your nose will always be cold and wet, just as it is today."

That's how the dog got his cold, wet nose. When you feel it, remember the little dog who used his nose to protect Noah, his family, and all of the animals, two by two.

Amazing Ann

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half .... You're never 36 and a half .... you're four and a half going on five

That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.

And then the greatest day of your life happens....you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony .... you BECOME 21 ... YES

But then you turn 30 .... ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk .... He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.

What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40 ..... stay over there, it's all slipping away ........

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 ..... and your dreams are gone.

Then you MAKE IT to 60 ..... you didn't think you'd make it

So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60 ...... then you build up so much speed you HIT 70

After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday ....

You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas .... it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.

And it doesn't end there .... into the 90's you start going backwards .... I was JUST 92 ...

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again .... "I'm 100 and a half"

Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day. Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day.

What would you do? Draw out every cent, of course! Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME.

Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds. Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose.

It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft. Each day it opens a new account for you. Each night it burns the remains of the day.

If you fail to use the day's deposits, the loss is yours. There is no going back. There is no drawing against the "tomorrow." You must live in the present on today's deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success! The clock is running. Make the most of today.

To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a pre-mature baby.
To realize the value of ONE DAY, ask a daily wage laborer with kids to feed.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed a train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLI-SECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time.
And remember that time waits for no one.

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Yesterday is history
Tomorrow a mystery
Today is a gift
That's why it's called the Present

Norm M. of Comfo, Canada

• He went into his father's business.
• He lived at home until the age of 33
• He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

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What does a new Russian write to an old Jew?
Gimme some cash, Daddy.

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Two Jewish fathers in the U.S. discuss the careers of their sons.
"My son went to business school, and now he is the CEO of a S & P 500 company, he makes at least 2,000,000 US$ a year!"
"My son went to yeshiva, got a smicha and now is a Rabbi. He makes US$ 4,000 a month."
"Pah, I always told you that Rabbi is not a profession for Jews!"

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Jewish logic:

Two Yeshive Bocherim, Yankel and Moyshe, discuss whether it is allowed to smoke while learning Torah.   But they disagree.
Yankel to Moyshe: "I will go and ask the Rebbe." Yankel to Rebbe: "Rebbe, is it permitted to smoke while learning Torah?"
Rabbi states in a severe tone : "No!"
Moyshe: "Rebbe, let me ask you another question.   May we learn Torah while we smoke?"
Rabbi, benign: "Yes!"

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Hershel and Ruben disagree on something.   They agree that the Rabbi should settle their quarrel.   Hershel explains his point of view.
The Rabbi says: "You are right."
Ruben: "Rabbi, please listen to my point of view first, before you reach a conclusion."
The Rabbi agrees, and Ruben explains his point of view.
The Rabbi says: "You are right."
The Rabbi's wife has heard everything, and she complains to her husband: "But you cannot say that they are both right."
The Rabbi answers: "Lea, you are right too."

So, G-d first went to the French.  "Do you want to have the Ten Commandments?"
The French replied: "May we have a look?"
G-d lets them read the list.
"We would not be allowed to commit adultery anymore?   Listen!   We are the best lovers in the world.   That would be an enormous waste of skill.   We do not need your commandments."

So G-d went to the Italians:
"Would you like to have the Ten Commandments?"
The Italians inquired: "May we have a look first?"
And again He lets them read the list.
"No more stealing?   That is impossible!   That is a favourite sport here.   No chance."

So G-d went to the Germans.
When they read the list, they objected: "You know, we are a people of warriors.   It would cause big trouble to us if we could not kill anymore."

So finally G-d went to Mt. Sinai, and there stood Moses: "Would you maybe like some Commandments?"
Moses: "How much are they?"
"They are free of charge."
"Free?   Then I want ten."

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A Rabbi wants to leave his community.   A delegation of the members tries to persuade him to stay.
The Rabbi says to the delegation: "If there were only ten more who are like you, I would stay."
The head of the delegation replies to the Rabbi with hope: "But it should not be too difficult to find ten more like us?"
The Rabbi responds: "Yes of course, there are hundreds like you in this community. And that is why I want to leave."

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True story. . .
When Rothschild was asked to become the first President of the state of Israel, he answered:  "I prefer to be the Jew of the kings over being the king of the Jews."

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An antisemitic priest wants to provoke the Rabbi and tells him: "Last night I had a dream.   I dreamed about the Jewish paradise.   It was loud and messy and crowded, everybody was talking at the same time."
The Rabbi responded: "Last night I dreamed about the Christian paradise. It was quiet and clean, the grass was neatly cut, the birds were singing and nobody was there."

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Two Chassidim and a Mitnaged (opponent of chassidism) discuss the miracles of 'wonder'-Rebbes.

First Chassid: "A few years ago my Rebbe was in a village.   Suddenly a fire broke out.   The people rushed out of the house.  A mother began to cry: 'My little Rivkale is still in the house, Lord of the World, do not let my child die.'
My Rebbe prayed for a while and went into the burning house.   What shall I tell you! On the left: Fire!   On the right: Fire!   But my Rebbe went through the middle and saved the child!"

Second Chassid: "A few years ago my Rebbe was in a village.   Suddenly there was a flood.   A mother began to cry: 'Lord of the World, my little Avrumele cannot swim and he fell into the water.   Please do not let him drown!'
My Rebbe heard this, did a little prayer, jumped into the flood!   What shall I tell you!   On the left: Water!   On the right: Water!   And in the middle there was my Rebbe and saved the child!

Mitnaged, pretending to be a Chassid: "And a few years ago my Rebbe traveled from Minsk to Kiev.   It was winter, and the train was delayed because of the heavy snow.   It became Friday afternoon, and the train got stuck in the snow.   As it was becoming darker, my Rebbe began to pray.   And what shall I tell you: On the left: Shabbos!   On the right: Shabbos!   And in the middle there was the train."

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Setting: The last century, a math class in a Jewish school in Russia.

Teacher: "Jacob, if I borrowed 200 Rubels from your father for two months, at an interest rate of 6 percent per year, how much would I have to pay back?"
Variant A:
Jacob: "210 Rubels." Teacher: "Jacob, you cannot calculate!"
Jacob: "I can calculate very well, but you do not know my father."

Variant B:
Jacob: "Only 6 percent?   We do not do such business."

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After the glorious victory of 1967, the Pentagon asks the Israelis if they could lend them two Generals for a while.
The Israelis agree: "That all right, which ones would you like?"
The Pentagon: "General Yizhak Rabin and General Moshe Dayan."
The Israelis: "Well, but we want two of your Generals in return."
The Pentagon: "Which ones would you like?"
The Israelis: "General Motors and General Electric."

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Setting: Israeli cabinet meeting, 1968.

Secretary of Finance: "The situation is desastrous, we are almost bankrupt.   The military is very costly, the taxes are so high that it is impossible to raise them even higher, we already have restrictions on capital flow, the nations of the world are donating money, but it is still insufficient."
Prime Minister: "Any suggestions, anyone?"
Secretary of Education: "I have got an idea. Let's declare war on the United States.   They will defeat us, they will occupy us, then they will also have to care for us!"
Applause, general agreement.
Prime Minister: "Any objections?"
Secretary of Defense: "But what do we do in case of victory?"

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A tourist in Jerusalem asks for directions:
"Where is this place where the Jews wail and cry?"
Answer: "The tax office is just around the corner."

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Briefing in heaven in the year 1966.

G-d: "What is new on earth?"
Military adviser: "Nasser is buying huge amounts of weapons from the Soviets for his Egyptian army.   All Arab armies are re-arming."
G-d: "Is it serious?"
Military advisor: "Very serious."
G-d: "What are my people doing?"
Military advisor: "They sit at the beach in Tel Aviv, go to cafes, play cards.   They enjoy life."
G-d: "Oy vey, once again they rely on me!"

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Germany, 1930
An SA man watches the famous Jewish painter Max Beckmann at work.
He comments: "For a Jew, you are quite a good painter."
Beckmann answers: "And for an SA member, you know quite a lot about art."

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The Middle Ages

For the purpose of mass entertainment the Earl orders a public dispute between the Bishop and the Rabbi.   Topic: Which one is the true religion.  The loser -- the one with the less convincing arguments or the one who cannot answer a question -- will lose his head immediately.
The Rabbi of course knows that the cards are marked in this game and refuses to take part.   To everybody's surprise the Jewish shoemaker, a man with hardly any education, is willing to represent the Jewish side instead of the Rabbi.   The Jewish community is shocked and tries to persuade him not to do it, but he insists he would do it, but only under the condition he would be allowed to ask the first question.   Nobody gives him a chance, because the Bishop is a very educated man.   The Rabbi is glad that his life is saved, and also the Earl and the Bishop generously accept the changed circumstances.
The big day is there, and the shoemaker asks his first question: "Bishop, what does 'Eyneni yodea' mean?"
The Bishop is fluent in Hebrew and immediately responds: "I do not know."
Seconds later the Bishop is beheaded by a hangman and the Earl is forced to declare the Jewish shoemaker winner of the dispute.
During the evening prayer in the synagogue the shoemaker is cheered by the crowd and everybody asks him how he got this brilliant, ingenious idea.
He explains: "Well, I remember when the tailor, Josef ben Nachman, asked our Rabbi what 'Eyneni yodea' means.   The Rabbi responded 'I do not know'.  And I thought: Our Rabbi is such a sage, if he does not know, the Bishop will not know either."

All of the above submitted by Joachim N.