When it comes to conflict resolution, the core of my challenge and excitement resides in the relationships I build when interacting with others, and in the pleasure of creating shared gains in the course of working together. Yes, we all witness the disastrous effects of conflict gone horribly wrong every day of the week. And, when given half a chance, conflict also manifests the force that propels us toward community.

Conflict resolution is a process for problem solving or decision making in which the parties involved join together to engage in mutual assistance and shared discovery to build toward a better life for everyone involved.

"Building a better life" can involve strengthening existing relationships, creating and implimenting agreements for the future, forging new bonds between or among people who previously felt unconnected, arriving at decisions for future joint action, healing broken relationships, or any combination of these elements.

This process offers hope that once the conflict has run its course, the lives of those who have been touched by it will be improved. Decisions are not made at the exclusive expense of one or some parties.

Compromises that leave someone feeling "ripped off" are not welcome. Power and consequences are shared so that there is a healthy balance of responsibility and reward for everyone. Reconciliation occurs when we care about one another as much as we care about ourselves.

Collaborative disputants recognize their interdependence, and begin by asking themselves and one another, "What will enable us to effectively address this joint problem?" Parties are responsible for voicing their opinions and concerns, listening respectfully to those of others, and working together to accomplish their tasks. During the course of this process, they keep the power and responsibility where it needs to be - with the people affected by the results.

I have begun to identify principles that guide my behaviour, both as a disputant and as a mediator, when I act in accord with the approach outlined above. Here is a small sample, offered in the spirit of emerging conversation.

KNOW YOURSELF AND SPEAK FOR YOURSELF

The roots of conflict and the potential for peace exist within each individual. The extent to which we are familiar with our personal values is the extent to which we are able to develop a coherent understanding of what is important to us about how we handle conflict. We stand the best chance of successful engagement when we are honest with ourselves about where our fears and our strengths lie.

PARTY SELF-DETERMINATION

Although disputants are interconnected, they are also autonomous. Parties make independent choices about how they behave in their dispute. Every conflict we encounter has the potential to further our interests and the interests of the person (or people) with whom we are in conflict. We can choose to maximize or minimize the opportunities for fulfilling this potential. Collaborative processes work when all affected parties voluntarily choose to maximise these opportunities.

NEEDS AND INTERESTS Human conflict is rooted in the differing aspirations, fears, needs and interests of individuals. Disputants who can identify these elements in themselves, and then negotiate with one another on this basis, increase their potential to reconcile their differences. Everybody has legitimate needs and interests. Sometimes these needs and interests are compatible with those of others, and sometimes they are in conflict. No matter how diverse they may be, respect for these needs and interests is key to the success of any conflict resolution process.

Each person has the ability, sometimes with assistance, to identify and articulate his or her own interests and needs.

We are social beings and we need one another. We are connected to those with whom we are in conflict. Our relationships are important to us despite the many ways in which we jeopordize their existence when we are in conflict. Collaborative processes challenge us to navigate our differences in ways that will ultimately affirm and strengthen the abilities of individuals to improve the quality of their relationships while working together.

RESPONSIBILITIES AND RIGHTS IN BALANCE

Parties have a right to be involved in resolution or reconciliation of their conflict because they are an integral part of the situation.

Thus it follows that all parties have both rights and responsibilities to articulate their respective points of view, and listen to others do the same. Reconciliation and consensus-building processes work when parties air their grievances and perspectives constructively with one another. However, with the right to speak, comes the responsibility to listen.

Balancing the rights and responsibilities also means attending to the dynamics of power. Collaborative conflict resolution involves balancing the dynamics of power in at least two dimensions. First, there is the balance that occurs between the personal power of individuals and the collective power that is shared by all parties to a dispute or decision. Second, there is an inner balance between the power and responsibility that each individual holds, which functions best when one exists in tandem with the other.

EMOTIONAL CONTEXT

Where there is conflict, there is emotion. How emotions are experienced and expressed depends on many factors including individual personalities, familial and societal norms, cultural context, the threat of violence or potential for retaliation, the balance of power, and physical proximity of disputants. Emotion causes damage when it is not appropriately acknowledged and incorporated as an inherent ingredient of what constitutes the conflict "soup".

THE VALUE OF HOPE

Conflict resolution processes exist as a living expression of human optimism. Each time we enter this arena, it is with renewed hope for an improved.

Sylvia McMechan is Exucutive Director of The Network. Her conflict resolution values and skills are tested routinely by her teenage daughter, Anna, who affords countless opportunities to use conflict as a "living laboratory" for constructive growth and change.