"Every time I consume a pork product, I will think of you."--a girl who calls herself "Self"
Freud Eggs & Bacon!
You poor bastard. Somehow you found your way to my Web site. Now that you're here, you may as well stay.
My name is Chris P. Bacon and I'm 26 years old. You want proof? I can't put my driver's licence here, but will pictures do? Just don't get any fingerprints on them.
I guess I owe you an explanation. The first four pictures were taken during my university's orientation week in late August, 2001. My course union decided I was the most enthusiastic fella of the new recruits and crowned me the "Spirit King." And can you blame me for being enthusiastic when I'm surrounded by fellow students, including the Spirit Queen, like the ones in the pictures with me? Watch those hands, Chris. The last picture was taken at CaBeer Night in March, 2002.
This is a Web site, so I'm supposed to list my hobbies, right? In my spare time (which is approximately all the time, give or take a few wasted moments) I like to mountain bike, hunt down obscure music, haunt bookstores, travel and plot my rise to greatness.
I speak English and French, but mostly English. I can say "I would like to eat the toilet" in German and "My uncle is on fire!" in Spanish.
I live in Simcoe, Ontario, in the Dominion of Canada (I know, I know--no-one's used that term since the third week after Confederation, but I like it). Canada was populated mostly by Scots who came over for a curling tournament in the 19th century. They decided to stay and settle after haggis on an unattended stove caught fire and sank their ship.
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II used to jointly rule the country with the Prime Minister, former folk music sensation the Right Honourable Gordon Lightfoot, but she's turned her duties over to Prince William now that he's reached 21 years of age. This is allowed under changes made to the Canadian Magna Carta in 1997. Canadians are a lot like the British except that Canadians have nicer teeth.
The capital of Canada is, of course, Canada City. The country used to be a British colony, but in 1982, the six provinces--British Columbia, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba, Ontario and Quebec--and the seven territories drafted their own Magna Carta and gained independence. On 17 April 1982, the Magna Carta was signed into law by tbe Queen as proud Prime Minister Pierre Elliott Trudeau looked on. Trudeau, incidentally, was the inventor of the snowmobile. We then adopted 'O Canada' as the national anthem, and we sing it to the tune of 'O Christmas Tree.'
Few people know this, but the United States was Britain's "practice colony" and is often referred to as "England's Little Mistake" throughout the Commonwealth. With the lessons learned from the American Revolution, Great Britain went on to administer Canada, Australia and New Zealand properly.
Life in Canada is simple. Because Canada is a socialist nation, there is no difficulty finding a job, and the salary is always satisfactory. Students are in school from 8 a.m. to 1 p.m., Monday to Saturday. The balance of the students' time is spent in the National Hockey Program, a government-sponsored initiative dedicated to maintaining Canada's dominance of one of the world's favourite sports. However, if children show negligible or non-existent talent in hockey, they enroll in the Royal Canadian School of Comedy, patterned after Britain's Royal School of Comedy. In the RCSC, young Canadians learn the fine art of comedy, from stand-up to sketch to satire. Distinguished alumni of the Royal Canadian School of Comedy include Mike Myers, Jim Carrey and Dan Ackroyd. Tom Green was expelled after only three weeks, but he seems to be doing well.
UPDATE for 13 April 2004: I don't get home to Sudbury very often now that I live some seven hours away in Simcoe, Ontario, where I work for the Simcoe Reformer newspaper.
But I made it back to town for the Easter weekend and I caught up with friends and family.
Meet Thomas, just shy of eight months old. The son of two good friends, he's a ball of cuteness. I'm a sucker for children and animals, especially baby ones.
UPDATE for 13 April 2004: Oh, so delicious.
Toronto is a short 90-minute trip from Simcoe, so I go there fairly often. When I was there over the weekend that February bled into March, my Ryerson pal, Ottavio (Otto for short), finally fulfilled his promise to take me to Canada's first Krispy Kreme store in nearby Mississauga. It only took him two years.
Here's the play-by-play:
UPDATE for 22 June 2003: Mommy, I did #2.
Two weeks ago, I celebrated my graduation from the journalism school at Ryerson University in Toronto. The two years I spent there flew by and I can hardly believe they're over. I made some great friends and I miss them already, but they're always welcome to visit--you know who you are!
I now have two degrees and zero jobs. Well, not quite. I'm doing an internship at my hometown paper, The Sudbury Star, before I work as a researcher for six weeks for CBC Television's On The Road Again. After that, I'm wide open. Any offers?
Here are some pictures from the day of the convocation.
Here I am with my two broadcast professors, Jagg Carr-Locke and Suanne Kelman. FUN FACT: Jagg, Suanne and Judge Judy all attended the same finishing school.
Suanne with her two favourite students: J.Lo and me.
After the convocation, we got together at a downtown Toronto bar for one last bash.
A bevy of beauties, plus me, from left to right: J.Lo, yours truly, Afsheen and Jenny.
"See? It happened!": That quote is an in-joke that grew out of the television documentary that Mark, J.Lo, Lani (the no-show) and I produced in our final term. It also fits with our graduation.
Past updates, including the joys of drinking pickle juice, my meetings with Jennifer Aniston and an original Sweathog, my close encounter with death, mutant super-heroes, and my goofy Halloween pictures, are at Celebrities, Earthquakes & Giant Cartoon Rabbits!
Other Pork Products--My Family Album
Delve into the minds of my strangest guests: Visitation Rites
You could be wondering how my parents could name me Chris P. Bacon. If you are, say it aloud. Get it? Good. Chris P. Bacon is the name I use on the Internet. It's unusual, but it certainly attracts attention. If you still think my name is really Chris P. Bacon, let me introduce you to my cousin, Wayne Kerr.
Thanks a bunch! Come again!
Write your name in the snow! See who's marked his territory already this year and last! Look at stains made in 2000! How about 1999? Or in 1998?
What's this all about? What does writing your name in the snow mean? Well, the only way to find out is to write your name in the snow!
Or you can reach me by plain old e-mail at chris_p_bacon77@hotmail.com.
Thanks for coming! Counting you,
people have dined on Freud Eggs
& Bacon since early January, 1998!
Do you like this page? Did you enjoy it? If so, why not send it to a friend and let him or her enjoy it just as much? C'mon--be a pal! You can use ICQ, AOL, Yahoo Messenger, or even old-fashioned e-mail!
A fresh plate of Freud Eggs & Bacon was last served on 13 April 2003.
