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Drink till she's cute, but stop before the wedding.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
The early bird catches the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met.
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
I love defenceless animals, especailly in good gravy.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
24 hours a day... 24 beers in a case... coincidence?
Many people quit looking for work when the find a job.
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I couldn't repair your brakes so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding funiture in the dark.
Join the army, travel the world, meet interesting people, kill them.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
All those that believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
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Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Love is grand; divorce is about a hundred grand.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly for the same reasons.
An optimist thinks this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that is true.
There are always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse every year.
It hurts to be on the cutting edge.
I'm an escapee of a political correction facility.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station........
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals.
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail.
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
You never really learn to swear till you learn to drive.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
As I said before I never repeat myself!
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. |
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