I was thinking about how it's really hard for me to cry in front of people, and if I feel like I'm going to cry I usually leave the room or go hide somewhere.  I was trying to figure out why it's hard for me to cry in front of people (still haven't figured it out), and then I got to thinking about the last time I remember crying in front of people.  It was when my grandma died.  So then I was thinking about my grandma a lot and how much she has affected my life.

        I think when my grandma died it really screwed me up.  I was really attached to her and I wasn't really experienced with the whole death thing before she died.  The only other person who died before her that affected me was my grandpa, but I was even younger then and I don't even really remember a whole lot about him or his death.  My mom told me that when my grandpa died is when I really started to get "introverted" and shy.  I don't really remember that.  I remember a lot of stuff about my grandma because I was pretty close to her.  She used to babysit me a lot when I was little.  Everytime my mom would take my sister somewhere she would leave me with my grandma, so I got to spend a lot of time with her.  I remember when she died I kept expecting her to walk through the front door and yell "surprise!" and then everybody would be all happy, and we would just get on with our lives.  But I guess I knew it wasn't going to happen.

        I think when my grandma died is when I started shutting people out.  I guess that's why I'm sort of scared to get close to people.  I'm always afraid of losing people.  Not necessarily through death though... just losing people in general.  I was still pretty young when she died, and I guess I really didn't understand what was going on.  I knew that I would never see her again, but I allowed myself to sort of block off what had happened in a way.  I remember crying myself to sleep a lot for a really long time after that.  I used to get nightmares everynight, where gram would either die, or turn evil or something.  I used to wake up all sweaty and crying my eyes out.

        The last thing I remember her giving me was a heart shaped pillow.  She made one for each of us (except melanie cuz she was still a little baby) for valentines day.  One side was just a plain red heart and the other side was white with little red hearts on it.  I used to think that whether or not I was going to have a nightmare that night was based on which side of the pillow I slept on.

        I remember being at gram's funeral, seeing her laying there, and thinking that the lady laying there looked nothing like my grandma.  She looked scary and sort of evil.  So I left the room and went outside to play with my cousins.  My cousin, Jason, used to pick on us a lot cuz he was older than us, and the only guy.  We were fighting with him, and he grabbed on to my coat, and I pulled myself out of my coat to get away.  Then I started crying and ran inside to get my mom.  She saw me crying and thought that I was crying because I missed gram, so she tried to comfort me.  I didn't want her to know that I was really crying because of Jason because I felt like a loser.  I also felt really selfish for not being upset about gram.  I loved her so much, and I would never see her again, yet I was crying over a stupid coat.  I hated myself for that.

        I think what really bugs me is the fact that I don't really know anything about her past.  Nana (my other gram.. there's a picture of her on my cool pics page) has tons of picture albums with pictures of when her and pap (her husband, my grandpa, died when i was about 4 or 5) where dating.  There's a really cute one of her and him sitting on a bike.  He carried that picture around in his pocket until the day he died.   What I'm getting at here is that I know TONS of stuff about my mom's side of the family, and about Pap, because Nana and my aunts all talk to me about the way things were and stuff.  I know just about everything there is to know about that side of my family.  But there are no picture albums with gram.  I don't even know what she looked like when she was little.  I guess Papou (my grandpa) has them somewhere, but we never go over his house.  I think I've been there maybe twice since my grandma died.

        Another thing I remember is going to the hospital to visit her around Halloween.  Me and my sisters used to always make turn our basement into a haunted house, and when we went to visit her, I asked her if she was going to come see it.  She said she would be all better soon and she would definatly come see it because she would be home before halloween.  She never got better and she never saw our haunted basement that year or ever again.

        I guess I feel sort of incomplete because of what little I know about her.  I remember when she would babysit me and michelle, she always used to love to walk us down to this grassy hill where you could see all the trains going by.  We'd sit there for hours and just watch the trains.  I have no idea why, but she loved that.  Now everytime I see a train go by I think about her.  Dad says I remind him of her, personality wise, and Papou always says I look like her when I smile.  I know I got her eyes.  That's the only thing I can remember about her without looking at a picture.  She had green eyes.  Mine used to be blue, and I remember looking at her eyes all the time and wishing mine were as pretty as hers.  Now my eyes are green, just like hers.  Not quite as bright and pretty, but the fact that I'm the ONLY one in my family with green eyes is pretty cool, because I know I got them from her.  I just wish I knew more about her.
 

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