Monday, January 25, 1999. 9:56.
Okay. Pretty much everything I ever said about how my life sucked on this, remember that? Well, I don't think I'll be doing that again. Situations have changed in my life that have brought me up to becoming a better person. I guess you could say I'm on my way back up. Perhaps I was wrong about myself. I dunno. Well, I now know that I'm not a total waste, that's for sure. I also have an increased feeling of self-esteem and self confidence, been awhile since I felt like that. It's pretty cool. Thanks Amy.
In other news, school is getting more tacky all the time. I think next term I'll stay away from the film classes and take more general ed classes. We'll have to see what happens there. Work is also goin quite well I must say. The people are still cool. I still enjoy it. The only thing I can complain about is this nasty cough that causes me to cough on my monitor. No fun.
Didn't mean to bother anybody with this, just had to get that off my chest.

Tuesday, February 2, 1999. 21:13.
I now have a new thing to be afraid of. Mail. Yes, mail. I have a stack of mail on my desk that i never open. I'm just afraid that it will be somethin bad like bills, and I'm just not in the mood for shit like that right now, can you dig it? Work has cut my hours, so I'll be pinchin it for awhile. But I'll manage, you're talkin to the guy who lived on 30 bucks a week in Orlando here. Anyway, other things are goin pretty good. Still playin the shuffle when it comes to people in my life, but who doesn't do that every now and then? There's a can of Sprite on my desk that has been here for a few days. It's half empty. But do I take it to the sink and pour it out? No! I just let it sit there, I'm too lazy of course. Oh well, it seems as if things will be okay for me for awhile. I'll keep you posted.
Didn't mean to bother anybody with this, just had to get that off my chest.

Tuesday, February 9, 1999. 13:41.
Sometimes I doubt whether or not I am a good person. Sometimes I think whether or not my instincts can truly how god I am. I just walked with a man for 20 minutes and bought him lunch. He told me how I was a great man and how I would go on to save many people in need, like I did today. Yeah, I try to help people as much as I can, even complete strangers. I don't give much of a damn as to my own well being, or financial situation. I bought the guy lunch, and put him on a bus. I don't think I should say just how much I spent, but it was about 25% of what was in my wallet. I don't care about karma or anything, I don't expect anything in return from life. I simply said, "This is what i do" I hate it when people think I mighta been hustled. I been helpin people for a long time, I know who needs it and who is full of shit. Perhaps I am being tested. Since my hours got cut and my economic situation has been hard, I'm being given tests to see how I will hold up. All I know is that when the shit really does hit the fan in this world, I'll be there to help.
Didn't mean to bother anybody with this, just had to get that off my chest.

Tuesday, February 16, 1999. 12:34.
For the first time in my life, I had a Valentine's Day where I actually had someone to share it with. It was cool. I was feeling pretty good, then I had a dream where it all fell apart and I shot heroin with George Clooney. Don't ask me what that means cause I haven't a fuckin clue. I'm trying to figure out where I stand in several aspects of my life right now. Work, school, love. Isn't that what it all comes down to for people our age? I mean yeah, there's money, but that falls under the heading of work. Yeah's there fun, but that falls under love. The future is sort of the main topic that is above all three. Yeah have to start being active in work, school, and love in order to have a future. Or believe that one exists for you. I once thought that if I could get close to someone, my darker side would go away and that I wouldn't do or think things that I used to. But it hasn't and I still need to work at ridding myself of that part of me. I still have issues with trust, which is understandable considering the life I lead and the people I associate myself with. Recent events have produced one good thing however. I've received the inspiration to do the full outline to my screenplay, What Matters. I'm sure when it comes time for all of you to read it, some of you will recognize ceratin lines or situations that have either happened to you or me. There are about six people who might be reading this who have the full knowledge of what's been going on with me, mostly cause I've had to come to you for advice. Just wanted to say thanks. Should be interesting to see what happens in the next few weeks.
Didn't mean to bother anybody with this, just had to get that off my chest.

Thursday, March 4, 1999. 23:15.
Today was a day I will never forget. Actually, I never forget days but today will stand out. I did what I thought was necessary to preserve my sanity. I had many doubts about things.
So, I broke up with Amy. At the time, it seemed as if that was what was destined to happen. Hours later, things changed and we got back together. Call me Bart Allen I guess. Act before thought. I fit into the Freudian Archetype. I am pure, living ID. Not much concept of morality, or danger, or thought of consequences. All instinct, no before or after thought. I grew up at a hyperaccelerated rate, moving around, living across the camps. I had to go with what I thought was doing was right. It seemed as if I wasn't right with my instincts. Ok, I was fuckin wrong about what I thought. At least that's what she said. She said I was wrong. I'll keep you posted.
What's with people having visions of holy figures? Like some schmuck in Poland makes a blueberry muffin with the Virgin Mary in it."Look! You can see her face in the nooks and crannies! No you can't asshole! It's a fucking muffin!" Shit! She's got a big enough budget, if she wanted to, she'll show up right in the beginning of Star Wars: Episode I right after Obi-Wan Kenobi appears! She'd just show up and be like, "Hey! Stop making crap like Titanic!". And then there's angels. Everybody sees angels waaaaaay too often. Towns gather to see them. What the hell is this shit? I don't see them, nor do I know anyone that has. How come you don't hear stories about people seeing zombies? I mean there's something that we don't hear about as much as you would think. Statistically, you're more likely to see a zombie than an angel. Think about that.
Didn't mean to bother anybody with this, just had to get that off my chest.