Dear Santa,

Listen, you fat little troll. I've helped you out for years. I have been the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties. I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!

There better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you don't wanna be around to smell it.)

Here's my wish list.

1. A nice, comfortable pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to be cheap and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite.)

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm going have to suffer with him, at least make us anatomically correct.

4. I would like arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about the CEO of Silicon Graphic I hear they are looking for someone, how about component or a software engineer? Or better yet, an advertising account executive, even a buyer at Ford Motor Company for goodness sake!

8. A new, more '90s persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie," complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips. "Animal Rights Barbie," with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs. "Stop Smoking Barbie," sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie