Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate
my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion,
I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too
humiliating.
I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and
I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up
a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred
mainly because I conceded to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little
kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I
was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to
me from the kitchen.
"Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset
it."
You know where the button is," I protested through
the
shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She
pleaded. "What if it starts going and
sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon,
it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked,
hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was, but not
without consequence.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink
to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It
struck without warning, without respect to my
circumstances.
Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its
gnashing
metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully
at the
dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been
poised
around the corner and stalked me as I took
the bait under the
sink.
At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt
at
the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like
claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to
their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly
bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to
contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of
speed.
Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his
groin
supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in
a step-by-step manner.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight
or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight"
option. Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is
alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to
escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my
ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the
paramedics stood over me. Having
been fully briefed by my wife, the
paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing
their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an
explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to
talk.
"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had
only known!!
[Mother Shiptons Prophecy] [Poetry]
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