Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with
your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk
mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check
when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels... I write, "Could you throw
this away for me, please? Thank you."
FABRIC Softener
My wife uses
fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women
were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walked off). That's how they mark
their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April
fresh scent out of your clothes.
Cripes:
My wife's from the
Mid-west. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like
'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of
'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly'. I'm not making fun of it. You think I
wanna burn in 'Heck'?
Morning Differences:
Men and women are
different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't
help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'How
can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you.
We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
Grandma:
My
grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'.
You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out there
entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she
gave you for your birthday.
Reverse Life Cycle:
The most unfair
thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot
of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a
bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it
out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when
you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years
until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol,
you party, you get ready for high school. go to grade school, you become a
kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go
back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... you finish
off as a orgasm.
Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty
thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand
bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles.
I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room
and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on
a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can
rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Award
Shows:
Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have
awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I
taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
Phone-in
Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different
issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs
90 cents to call up and vote... They're voting 'I don't know.' "Honey, I feel
very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) "I DON'T KNOW!"
(hangs up,looking proud). Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe
you're not sure about. This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95.
(into phone) "I'm not in the mood."
Answering Machine:
Did you ever
hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine?
"Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now.
I hope you are
too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'" Beep.
"Uh, yeah... this
is the VD clinic calling. Speaking of being positive, your test is
back. Stop sharing the love."
[Mother Shiptons Prophecy] [Poetry]
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