People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most
diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), you don't
get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat
diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after
3 days. Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet.
Over the
years you may have noticed that most two-year-olds are trim. Now the formula
to their success is available to all in this new diet. You may want to
consult your doctor before embarking on this diet, otherwise, you may be
seeing him afterwards. Good Luck!!!
DAY
ONE
Breakfast:
One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with
grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear jelly over your face and
clothes.
Lunch:
Four crayons (any color), a handful of
potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the
rest).
Afternoon snack:
Apple slices. Eat a few and stash
the rest in toy box.
Dinner:
A dry stick, two pennies and a
nickel, 4 sips of flat Sprite.
Bedtime snack:
Throw a piece
of toast on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
Breakfast:
Pick up stale toast from kitchen toast and eat it. Drink half bottle of
vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch:
Half
tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any
flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon snack:
Lick an
all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and
continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop
on rug.
Dinner:
A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be
thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat
with spoon.
Bedtime snack:
Find apple slices from the day
before and chew up and spit out on carpet.
DAY
THREE
Breakfast:
Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one
with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in
glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterdays sucker from rug, lick off fuzz,
put it on the cushion of best chair.
Lunch:
Three matches,
peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites on to the floor. Pour
glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Afternoon snack:
Box of
raisens (stick a few under cushion of sofa for later).
Dinner:
Dish of ice cream, handful of prezels, some red punch. Try to laugh some
punch through your nose, if possible.
Bedtime snack:
Three
raisens (found under cushion from afternoon snack) and half a bottle of
bubble bath.
FINAL DAY----
Breakfast:
A quarter tube
of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over
bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk
and feed cereal to the dog.
Lunch:
Cheese slices and
crackers. Lick cheese and stick on table. Smash crackers between hands and
then brush off of table onto floor. Green beans. Eat three and throw the
rest.
Afternoon snack:
Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and
dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating
it.
Dinner:
A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave
meatballs on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
Bedtime snack:
Cup of yogurt. Smear on face, hands and arms. Cheerios. Sit
on floor and dump entire box around you. Eat a
few.
******************************
"We must view young people not
as empty bottles to be filled,
but as candles to be lit."
--
Robert H. Shaffer
******************************
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