Dear Dr. Dover:
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile.
My reasons are numerous. After being married for seven years and having had 7
children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are
useless.
After getting married I was advised to use the rhythm method.
Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured
myself doing the Cha-cha. Apart from that, where do you find a band when you
get the urge at two o'clock in the morning?
A doctor suggested the
safe period. At the time, we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait
3 weeks for the safe period, when the house was empty.
Needless to say
this didn't work, and the wife got pregnant.
A lady of several years
experience said if we made love while breast feeding we would be all right.
Well, I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and was very healthy, but the
wife got pregnant yet again.
Another tale we heard was if the wife
jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. She
slipped a disk but still got pregnant again.
I asked the chemist about
the condoms and he demonstrated them, so I bought a packet. My wife fell
pregnant again, which did not surprise me as I never did believe how
stretching one of those things over your thumb could prevent babies.
We tried the coil next but that didn't work. It had a left-hand screw
and my wife is definitely a right-hand screw.
The Dutch cap was next
and seemed to be our answer, but my wife got severe headaches when the only
size available was too tight across the forehead.
Eventually we tried
the Pill, but it kept dropping out, so she tried it between her knees and I
couldn't get anywhere near her.
You must appreciate my problems.
If I can't have the operation I will have to resort to oral sex, and I can't
believe that talking about it is any substitute for the real
thing.
Yours sincerely,
Bubba Brickhead
[Mother Shiptons Prophecy] [Poetry]
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