How to tell whether or not you are ready to have children:
The Mess
Test:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in
the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place
a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
The Toy
Test:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you
may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them
all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)
The
Grocery Store Test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and
take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in
sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
The Dressing
Test:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag
making sure that all arms stay inside.
The Feeding Test:
Obtain a
large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling
with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy
cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the
floor.
The Night Test:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and
fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM
begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set
your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you
have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM.
Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.
Look cheerful.
The Physical Test (Women):
Obtain a large beanbag
chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9
months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
The Physical Test (Men):
Go to
the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help
himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a
newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
The Final
Assignment:
Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on
how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training,
and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to
them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this
experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
[Mother Shiptons Prophecy] [Poetry]
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