Gender DifferencesIs Cyber for "Losers"?The Ethics of CyberrelationshipsReal People in CyberReal EmotionsTelling the TruthIs Cyber "Cheating"?Pros & Cons of CyberSafe SexRebuilding Broken Hearts/SpiritsOutlets for FantasiesEnhancing Real Life SexualityPrevents Real "Cheating"Hearts Can Get BrokenCavalier Attitudes HurtCruelty Can HappenDependence Is A DangerExposure Is A Risk
The use of the term "cyber" as a verb, a shorthand version of "to have cybersex with" is one of the more important new constructions of the electronic communications revolution. The ability to "chat" through intimate relations interactively is both a tremendous blessing and the source of some serious drawbacks. On balance, I believe very strongly in its positive potential, for a number of reasons. I also am not blind to its dangers, which I'll treat here.
For my purposes, then, "cybering" means the act of engaging in consensual, interactive simulations of various sexual and semi-sexual acts. One important caveat to remember throughout this discussion, and I'll treat it more specifically later, is that I am only referring to cyber activities here, not real life! And those of you who take exception to even discussing sexual acts, treating this as being the equivalent of actually engaging in them... well, I think maybe you should just click over to another page right now. I don't think we're going to be able to have much of a meaningful dialogue here... we're approaching this from two mutually incompatible worlds. On the other hand, if you hold that viewpoint but want to hear "the other side", please do read on. I like and want vigorous and forthright exchanges of viewpoints. Kept civil and adult, of course.
As cyber mirrors real life, it also mirrors the real life differences between how the genders approach matters of intimacy. It is an old, but very true, saying that "Men give love to enjoy sex, women give sex to obtain love." So often in cyber, I find the most heartwrenching problems arise over the different gender viewpoints associated with things sexual. Men can, and frequently do, engage in "casual" or "recreational" sex. Most women do not. A simple observation on my part, limited to a narrow universe, is that married men predominate in the chatrooms, albeit by a rather small margin. On the female side, it is single women, usually divorcees. I don't know how this necessarily plays in, but it clearly suggests that many of the men are looking for cybersex without commitment, either to augment or substitute for their real life sexual inputs, just as they might be looking for real sex under other circumstances.
I write from a male perspective, of course... is who/what I am. But I like to think that I can transcend gender stereotypes and roles in addressing these issues. Bottom line is, men and women approach cyber differently, just as they approach intimacy in the real world differently. This affects the context of the whole discussion. I know I'm generalizing, but you have to make some fundamental observations or you never reach broad principles. So, though on balance I come down in favor of cyber, with a number of important conditions attached, I just wanted to note up front that gender differences are important in this discussion, and that I am fully aware that my female friends and readers may feel differently than I do. I encourage those who do to share their viewpoints through the guestbook on this page.
There are some folks who simply must ask whether cyber is for "losers"... people who can't achieve any relationships in "real life." Well, this is certainly not the case in my experience. Most of the people I've encountered in cyberspace are far from "losers" in any conventionally-accepted sense of that word. Not to be self-congratulatory, but I hardly think I qualify as a "loser." Just think about it for a minute; people in cyberspace are operating on the cutting edge of a new communications medium, rather than sitting around passively absorbing the egregious bullshit spewed forth by the commercial media, geared to a fourth-grade intellect. They generally tend to be intelligent, curious, computer-literate (obviously), articulate, and interesting. Hardly your stereotypical "loser." Many are married, more or less happily, and most of the rest have some form of relationships going on in the "real" world. So, generally, these are not people who sit around the house because they can't get a date.
Now, this is not universally true, of course. (What is?) There are absolutely a group of "hearts in healing" online. There are also people unhappy in their existing relationships, looking for different fulfillment. And there are people who want to experiment with different aspects of their own sexuality. Fine. None of these characteristics makes these people "losers" either. The few genuine idiots that populate the chatrooms are generally shunned, and not really a factor here.
But one of the overridingly great things about relationships in cyberspace is this: because you are "anonymous," because you cannot be seen or heard in the conventional sense, people who do suffer some disadvantage in "real world" relationships are able to enjoy love and fulfillment online. In cyberspace, your physical appearance doesn't matter; your accent, your ethnicity, your economic status, your race... all irrelevant unless you choose to make them so. What matters is your personality... the real "you". And people in cyberspace can learn to relate to each other as real people, freed of many of the shackles of prejudice, however unconscious.
This freedom from stereotypes and prejudices is the healthiest thing of all, in my opinion. It is the fundamentally transforming nature of the Internet and relationships stemming from it. While I'm talking about it in a cybersexual context here, it applies universally to all relations on the Net. I genuinely believe you can't conceal your real personality for very long in cyberspace, because people just naturally revert to type. And this is very healthy. And very powerful. And, used wisely, very, very good and a helluva lot of fun.
So, cybersex is definitely not for "losers." It can be a great plus in the lives of people who understand its power and use it wisely for mutual enjoyment and benefit. Drop your stereotypes and think outside the box, ok? Hell, you're here reading this...are you a loser? I thought not.
The cardinal principle of cyber must be, "Never forget you are dealing with real people!" In the masquerade of cyberspace, it is possible to forget this fact occasionally, and if you do, you are certainly headed for serious trouble. The "handles" you're interacting with represent real human beings, with wants, needs, responsibilities, hangups, desires, emotions, and everything else we all carry around in our mental backpacks. You are not just interacting with a computer! Enjoying sexuality is healthy and wonderful, but remember always that people frequently attach different meanings to different things. Be extremely careful in how you relate to your cyberpartner, and interact in mutually acceptable ways. In other words, talk before you screw, even in cyberspace, unless it is very clear that both participants are just looking for some immediate gratification. Which happens, by the way, and can be great fun... Erica Jong's "zipless fuck" in cyberspace... but just be sure of what you're doing, because you're doing it with another living, breathing person, ok?
Rule number two is that, even in cyber, emotions are real. People really do fall in love over the Net. Hearts are broken over the Net. Never, ever, discount the emotional content that goes into every cyberrelationship, however brief. Yes, I know we're just talking about typing words on a computer... but they are very powerful words, describing acts and feelings that carry a lot of significance in the "real" world for most people. I myself have been deeply wounded emotionally on several occasions, and I try hard to practice the kind of level-headedness I'm preaching here. But as long as two people are involved, misunderstandings and miscommunications are not only possible, but inevitable. And if they affect core issues, people can get hurt! In the cases where I got bruised pretty badly, most revolved around a lack of honesty on the part of my partners, or a failure to communicate clearly and completely the respective parties' desires, intentions and perspectives on the relationship. But I hardly think my situations are atypical.
That's not to say you can't have a lot of guiltless fun on the Net, but only if you make sure that both parties' emotional health is well-guarded and well-regarded. To do otherwise is absolutely reprehensible and wholly irresponsible.
Here's a tough one, but you have to address it. I believe you must never lie in cyberrelationships, just as you generally should not in real ones. You must keep confidences, sure, but not lie. Don't say you're not married if you are, or vice versa. Don't lie about your real physical appearance if you're asked (You shouldn't be, right away, unless it's just a case of "wham bam thank you ma'm" - See above). Don't say you're exclusive to one cyberpartner if you're not (and I generally don't think you need to be, if all the other rules are respected and both parties understand and agree). Don't make any commitments you don't truly intend to keep.
The gift of anonymity that cyberspace confers must not be abused! Remember rule one, ok? And think how you'd feel if you were lied to. Been there...hurts like hell!! Even in cyberspace, or perhaps especially in cyberspace, I believe complete candor and honesty must be the rule, or you're a pretty lowlife person in my estimation, and a real danger to the emotional health of others.
You would be amazed at the number of times this issue comes up! I am! Obviously, I think there is no merit whatsover to the position that cybersex constitutes some form of adultery. Look at it this way: If I read an erotic novel, and I imagine myself a character in that novel, am I "cheating"? No. If my wife reads a Danielle Steele novel (she doesn't, thank God!) and imagines herself a character in that novel, is that "cheating"? I think not. If I look at a book with sexual imagery, or watch a movie with similar content, am I "cheating"? No, or else millions of people would qualify as adulterers... all the seamstresses in the world couldn't keep up with the demand for scarlet letters!
Well, that's true, you say, but that's just passive... cyber is interactive. Fine. If I called a friend on the phone, and we chose to read passages of an erotic novel to each other over the phone, is that "cheating"? Boring, maybe; cheating, no. You'll have to do better than that! Ok, but in cyber, you say, you are actually typing out the acts you'd like to perform with a person other than your spouse! Sexual acts! Oh, my... I never thought of it that way... *LOL* Well, if that's adultery, then if I should send you the message, "I am breaking into your house through the back window, and carrying away your valuables," are you going to have me arrested for burglary? Or if I type, "I am getting into your new car now, and driving it away, to be cut up for parts," would I be guilty of auto theft? Let's maintain perspective here, ok? Just because we are talking about matters such as sex, with high emotional baggage quotients, doesn't mean logic goes out the window! Or shouldn't, anyway. Looking at these examples, are you still so sure of your position, or are you feeling just a little bit foolish right about now?
Ok, you say, but breaching the wall of sexuality within marriage via cyber can lead to real-world infidelity. Ok, I have to admit the possibility that might come to pass. Probably has, in fact. But, and this is an important point, if a marital relationship is already in such poor condition that typing sexual adventures with anonymous strangers is enough to propel one to commit real-world "infidelity", then I submit that cyber was not the cause, nor even necessarily a facilitator. The cause lies within the relationship, and the choices the involved parties make, not the medium.
Cybersex is not cheating. It has nothing whatsoever to do with cheating, except in the sense that the outlet it may provide for persons whose real-world relationships are less than ideal may in fact be a boon to preventing "real" cheating. And this ain't bad, my friends. Just remember what we're talking about here, ok? So let's talk in more detail about the effects of cyber on adults.
Obviously, in an era where "safe sex" is a mantra, cyber is the ultimate safe sex experience. Yet it also has more to it than mere 1-900 phonesex or similar means of gratification. I guess it just boils down to your personal ethics and viewpoint. Some men who would never consider an extramarital affair nonetheless frequent prostitutes; and vice versa. Is cyber fundamentally different than the 1-900 stuff, or other types of erotica on the Net? Yes, I think so, if only because it involves two people who must genuinely have some measure of interest in each other, even in the most casual cyber encounters, if for no other reason than the amount of effort involved. I just have to think that, if the caveats above are observed, cyber, then is healthier than other forms of "safe sex" on the Net. So, score one important point in favor of cyber.
I mentioned "hearts in healing" earlier. I have found in my time in cyber a great many people who have experienced serious traumatic events in their lives; spousal abuse, rape, death of a loved one via accident, etc. And a number of lesser traumas relating to love and relationships. I've become something of a "father confessor" to many of my cyberfriends, and I am absolutely convinced that cybersex and cyberlove are great ways for people to safely regain touch with their feelings and with their sexuality. It is a low threat environment, generally speaking, and one in which sanctions and opprobrium are virtually unknown. Where better to once again venture out among "the living"? Once again girded by the various caveats I've frequently mentioned, I firmly believe that a well-considered cyber relationship, including cyber intimacy if both parties desire it, can be a very therapeutic means for these people to once again rejoin the loving, feeling world.
This is a really significant benefit to cyber. Many people harbor a wide range of sexual fantasies and proclivities that they don't or can't express in "reality". Aside from destructive perversions, like pedophilia (whose practicers should be castrated without anesthesia...[yes, I'm a libertarian, but only if nobody is hurt, and preying upon vulnerable children certainly doesn't fall under this circumstance]) you can "do" anything in cyber, providing you can find a willing partner. I'm a mild sexual dominant; I very much enjoy my online experiences in that realm of my sexual identity. I know of staid housewives who entertain fantasies of sex with multiple partners; married women who give vent to bisexual urgings via cyber; dominants and submissives alike who enjoy playing via cyber; and scores of other such fantasy outlets to be found through this medium. It's a safe and exciting way to "try out" different things. And once you find what your real interests are, you can use your cyber experiences as a fantasy baseline for introducing the ones you like into your "real" sexual life... if that's what you want.
Being a good weaver of tales, I've cybered partners through M-M-F and M-F-F fantasies (they loved it!) I've participated in a number of actual 3-way and 4-way cyber encounters, and have had tremendous pleasure exploring the dominant side of myself with willing partners. I think these experiences are enriching and very positive, whether you choose to introduce them into your real life or just keep them as a "secret garden." They harm no one, and let people explore and become comfortable with any aspect of their sexuality they wish. I can't for the life of me see how this could be bad.
As I said above, engaging in cyber can actually enhance your real life sexuality. How? By teaching you new things; helping you to discover new ways of lovemaking, new styles of sexual expression, new fantasies, and "how others do it." Living in a society where speaking frankly of things sexual is still frowned upon (even I have to remain anonymous here) the anonymity of cyber provides a tremendously valuable means of learning all these things. What's more, I'm happily surprised at the number of couples who are enhancing their sexual enjoyment together through cyber. What a kick that must be! It's not yet a widespread phenomenon, unfortunately, but it is growing. Such sharing of experiences, whether in multi-partner formats or both parties choosing to enjoy and experiment openly with the other's permission and even observation (ok, so I'm a voyeur, too...*L*) can really add a lot of "spice" to a real world relationship.
It's a shame that so many people who are experiencing cyber are doing it because their real life partner(s) are not meeting their needs. And in so many cases cyber liaisons have to be guarded with the same ferocity and with the same "baggage" as real life sexual interactions outside of a marriage or other committed relationship must be. If you read my page on polyamory, and my previous discussion of how/why I believe cyber is not "cheating" you know how I feel about that. I only wish more couples believed as I do... I think we'd have a much healthier society if they did.
Because cyber offers an outlet for excess sexual interests, or interests that may fall outside a partner's tolerances or that are off their sexual "menu", cyber can actually prevent cheating in a marriage or other committed relationship. As I said before, I don't consider cyber itself "cheating", nor do I accept the theory that it somehow lowers the resistance of a healthy partner in a relationship. I, for one, would be infinitely happier to have my partner safely seated in front of a computer in our home, enjoying, through cyber, whatever she felt was lacking in our relationship (although you'd better believe I hope we'd discuss it first, though I also accept that this may not be possible - in itself a bad sign in a relationship) than have her sneaking about to clandestine rendezvous with God knows who.
Pollyannish? Hardly. I just happen to think that cyber is far safer, healthier and less injurious to a relationship than real "infidelity" would be. Perspective, people, perspective!!! If a needful partner can satisfy needs through cyber, without involving or harming the other partner, why the hell not? Most people, frankly, are not really looking for a long-term relationship outside of an existing one, (Again, with the caveat that some "existing" relationships are already dead - they just haven't fallen down yet.) but rather just that "little something extra" or "something different" that is missing in their real world lives. Cyber is a relatively benign way of meeting that need. And so, it may prevent the "itch" from being scratched in ways that are both dangerous and destructive.
Cyber does have its drawbacks, and they are, to some extent, the mirror images of its positives. You can break hearts in cyber just like you can in real life. I've done it, unwittingly, and I've had it done to me. Key thing here is to remember the rules I noted above. You're dealing with real people, with all the complexity that includes. Don't let your heart get too far ahead of your brain in cyber... it is only cyber! And while cyber can very definitely lead to love, and even to relationships in the "real" world, you'd better think twice about the implications of love on the Net! Don't invest too much of yourself in a cyber relationship unless and until you're sure that both participants are equally committed and interested. And are looking for the same outcome!
And that leads me to the observation that too many hearts get broken because too often one participant is strictly "fooling around," while the other is serious. And while I know cyber is just "words on a screen," its just not fair to treat people shabbily under the pretext that "it's just cyber." But there are too many people who do just that; they change handles, they engage in lying and deception, and in short, do everything in cyberspace that cads and jerks do in the real world. And the bad news is, cyberspace in some respects facilitiates that type of behavior. So, a word to the wise... you'd better understand going in that there are some people who are just flat out irresponsible and you had better be on your guard against them. Trust should not come easily and automatically in cyberspace, just because of the anonymity... it has to be earned. Or at least, it should have to be earned, in my humble opinion.
Related to the issue of trust, in my mind, is the fact that some people can be downright cruel. This cruelty takes many forms, but like dishonesty, it is in some respects facilitated by the anonymity of the Net. Once again, the fact that cyber can mirror real life permits people to abuse their partners in all of the ways they do in real life, and then some. This goes beyond the irresponsibility I mentioned above. This is deliberate. So, be on your guard, and remember, you don't have to take any treatment in cyber that you would find offensive in real life!
One of the lures of cyber is that it is always there. 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The problem is that it can become addictive. And if it does, it carries with it all the negative things associated with any unhealthy addiction. So please step back and look hard at yourself from time to time. Ask yourself honestly if you're maintaining a proper perspective. And then think hard about your partners. Do you see the signs of dependence in them? One of my greatest cyber horror stories concerns a cyberlover who invested so much in me - more than was ever warranted - that she wanted more and more of my time and my interest. And when she didn't get it, she freaked and did a lot of emotional damage to a number of people, including herself. She was divorced, basically underemployed, with poorly developed social skills and poor coping skills, and found in her Net affairs a crutch and sedative that became overwhelming. And I just didn't see it in time. So... keep the shaker handy for that necessary grain of salt from time to time!
My final admonition regarding the full enjoyment of cyber is to remember at all times you are not as anonymous as you think. Trust me, you can be found out in a variety of ways by people without a lot of specialized skills. And if your world would be destroyed if what you were doing in cyberspace were "found out," then beware. Cyber nearly always "leaves tracks" and cyberaffairs that go wrong can produce the same bad affects as "real world" ones. So keep thinking, ok?
Links to other sites on the Web
You really HAVE to participate in this research survey on cyber!
A scholarly site for papers on the topic of cybersex and its impacts on real people.
Kimberly's very complete page on cyberrelationships... check it out!
"Lust in Space I" a site with an interesting array of info on cyberrelationships.
"Lust in Space II" Another page like the previous one, with more info.
You're invited to share your views with me on your own cybersex experiences, viewpoints, comments, and reactions to my own points of view.
Please share your comments/input here - don't be shy!!
© 1998 daswunderkind@hotmail.com