Polyamory, the practice of maintaining committed loving and intimate relatonships with multiple individuals, is a practice which far predates Christianity, though it has been practiced even within Christian communities as recently as the 1800's. Its most unrestrained advocates insist that it is the "natural" and "right" practice for humans. I think there are a number of anthropologists and socio-biologists who might take vigorous exception to such claims, and I personally don't make them. I think the "nuclear family" certainly earned its place in the evolutionary process of humanity, and has served us well for a very long time. But nothing lasts forever.
One has only to look at the staggering statistics on divorce (nearly 50% of all U.S. first marriages end in divorce), "marital infidelity" (76% of men and 46% of women ADMITTED to at least one extramarital affair in a recent survey), and the need for psychotherapy arising from these circumstances, not to mention the enormous emotional and financial costs associated therewith, to ask candidly, "Is there possibly a better option for certain people?" I think any fair-minded person might conclude that it's time to talk openly about other options.
I first encountered the concept of polyamory by accident, as often happens. When I fell in love with a woman I had met online, I was prepared to enter into an ordinary, monogamous relationship with her, once I was free of my then-existing marriage. It was her insistence that any relationship we entered into be an "open" one that led me back to the 'Net to try to figure out how to do "open relationships" correctly.
In the course of browsing around the web, I followed a link off a personal homepage to a site called The Park, from which I could send cyber bouquets and cards. When I began checking out the site, I discovered a tremendous resource of information, very cogently and intelligently presented. I certainly don't subscribe to everything there, but I am in genuine admiration of much of what they're doing and saying. Following a link off their link list led me to the Loving More homepage.
I was absolutely amazed at what I found there. I jumped into the chatroom (you know how I love to chat) and found myself engaged in a fascinating conversation with a female member of a triad (F-F-M), a male with a successful open marriage, and several other people with either an interest in, or experience with, new forms of committed, loving relationships. I was blown away! I had no idea that such a "movement" even existed, much less how extensive it was. I later heard from a cyberfriend that the concept had been featured on HBO's "Real Sex" show - talk about going mainstream, right? I had been looking for some substance and frankly, a "label" to address some issues I was grappling with in real life, so I began researching the concept a bit, and the info and links you have on this page are a result.
There are certainly pitfalls to be avoided in this lifestyle choice, and they are amply discussed in some of the sites. I started out with a cyberpolyamorous relationship. My "primary" and I kept our cyber options open, with the other's express knowledge and consent. We discussed any potential liaisons beforehand, and while neither partner had a "veto", either partner could comment or recommend. We tried sharing the attentions of a third partner (a "secondary" in the jargon), but as circumstances would have it only I ended up cybering with her (the third party). She bowed out of our lives for reasons of her own. My primary and I looked for another "right" bi female to add to our cyber relationship, but never found one.
I'm here to tell you, though, that conditioning and old habits of thought die very hard. Once when my primary was leaving to meet with one of her cybersecondaries, possibly to cyber (they did), I felt a very real lump in my throat! She handled the matter beautifully, though; she left me gently and only after reassuring me of her love. Unfortunately, on at least two occasions, I was somewhat less considerate in my attention to her (Testosterone Takeover - I plead guilty!). But, I was aware of my past mistakes and we tried to work through this whole process together.
On the other hand, the pangs we both felt from time to time were very real and take time to work through... and this is just cyber!! So imagine how hard it must initially be in real life! But, since I maintain that cyber mirrors life, and is a very useful stepping stone and adjunct to real life, if it can be worked out here, it can be worked out there.
This is not to say it is easy!!! The more I think through this concept, and the more I experience its day to day implications, the harder it becomes. Guess I'm not as "evolved" a person as I thought I was.
I'm telling you, yes, cyber does reflect real life. Since originally writing the words above, I've moved from the cyber world to real life polyamory, and have had to face dealing with some of these issues... and I have learned a few terribly important things anyone considering this lifestyle needs to know. It only works if the primaries have a solid and secure relationship. If the primary relationship is not absolutely rock solid, with no uncertainties on the part of either partner, pursuing this philosophy is only a prescription for gut-wrenching pain. You just can't buck a million years of evolutionary selection regarding mating habits and thought patterns about sexual intimacy if there's even a small crack in your confidence and security. Indifference to your partner's sexual intimacy with another just isn't possible if you truly love your primary, unless you are very stable in your relationship.
If you ignore this rule for succesful polyamory, you do so at your own grave emotional risk. I'm better about it now, but I still have a long way to go. I began trying to live a modified form of this lifestyle in the real world, without that kind of secure base, and it ended up resulting in tremendous emotional pain for me, and, to make things worse, I ultimately lost my then-primary to another. But, *shrug* lessons learned (I hope) I'm trying again.
I now enjoy wonderful relationships with a number of very loving women who are very important in my life; one long-distance (Los Angeles), and one close to home. The local love has become my new R/T primary, and in turn, she and I have begun a relationship with another woman we are very close to, and with whom we hope to form an open, F-M-F triad. My LDR (long distance relationship) lover from CA is also very important to me, and we have a very solid love relationship. I'm exploring another local sencondary relationship, too. My former primary, whom I had met several times in real life, and I are still working out where we respectively hope to be in each other's lives.
I'm even involved in the leadership of a polyamory support, social and advocacy group getting started in my home area. And, as I grow, I am building relationships among other poly people in a more measured and rational manner.
I really do think such relationships are easier for women to handle than men. Men are both genetically and culturally programmed to "protect" "our" woman from the advances of other males. Our "jealousy gene" is pretty highly advanced. Also, in my limited observation, many polyamorous relationships seem to have a core group with multiple females, usually bisexual, and so the male in the relationship has less to stress over... he gets the attention of multiple females (always most welcome!) without having to "compete" with another male. Because the females love each other in every way, there is less likely to be the kind of jealousy over the attention of the male as might be the case otherwise. I know M-M-F triads exist, but they must be harder to maintain. My sense is that most male bisexuals retain the exclusivity preference... they are not interested in sharing either partner. That's a surmise on my part, but it fits the known facts.
On the other hand, if the men are just good friends, and don't relate to each other sexually at all... (They may not even be friends!)(In "poly" terminology, this sort of relationship is known as a vee.) Well, that's even more amazing to me! But the literature does note that some people just don't seem to have a jealous bone in their bodies. Boy, do I envy them sometimes! In any case, it seems that women are much more open to relating to each other in this kind of relationship.
While this might seem like a pervert's paradise, we're not talking about David Koresh/Charles Manson stuff here. It is not a way for the casual lothario to "bed" multiple women. Rather, the emphasis is on the mutual loving and caring within the relationship, which in turn expresses itself, in part, in sexual ways, and in allowing the partners (all the partners) to include sexuality in their relationships outside of the core group, if desired, in an open, aboveboard and non-threatening way. This is the right approach, in my humble opinion, even though it is very hard at times, human nature being what it is.
I'm working through all this as best I can, and I hope my thoughts here have helped those of you who have stopped by to share my thoughts. If other poly people who are successfully living the lifestyle read this and can share meaningful help with how you have successfully addressed these issues, please be sure to share your thoughts in the guestbook.
Links to other sites on the Web
Follow the ancillary link to the Polyamory information - includes an advice column!
A very useful polyamory reference, with links to great FAQ's
A useful resource, The Group Marriage Alliance
A very useful polyamory homepage with links to great pages, the Polyamory Ring (I'm a member now!!), and other info.
A great personal page consisting primarily of an ICQ directory of poly and poly-interested people, plus other links.
Yahoo category search results.
An extremely comprehensive homepage with a great deal of useful information... Highly recommended!
The page for the new Chesapeake Polyamory Network (I'm chairing their board and am their volunteer webmaster) If you live in the Mid-Atlantic region, or just want a good collection of poly resources and people, check this out!
Told you some of these topics were "hot to handle." But this is cyberspace, and I'm a libertarian, remember? So just think about things and do what's right for you, and for the important others in your life, whoever they may be.
The background music you're hearing is The Final Countdown, the title cut from the 1986 album by the rock group Europe. The group has since disbanded. I thought this was the theme music from the action sci-fi movie of the same name and about the same time frame, featuring Kirk Douglas and Martin Sheen, concerning a time warp catapulting the USS Nimitz back to December 6, 1941, but it wasn't. It's still a nice action song, with a driving beat. I liked it, so here it is.
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