I am close to approaching my 20th birthday, and I throughout my short-lived life, I have experienced many trials and tribulations in the relationship department. I was talking to a co-worker of mine who gave me a good piece of advice. “No matter what the age of the male, he will never mature.” It seems to me that my friend’s love lives break off in to 2 groups, the fortunate and the naive. My fortunate friends are the ones that have truly decaited boyfriends, in which they take for granted. The guys they are involved with tend to be madly in love with my friends, and my friends feel suffocated by them. In my own personal opinion, I would love something like that…hell I’m still waiting for my knight and shining armor to arrive on his white horse and sweep me off my feet…but then reality sets in. Girls like me don’t date the starting quarterback or shortstop, girls like me date the benchwarmers and the water boys, but hey, we settle for as close to the sport that we can get. Which brings me to my next point. 98% of all men are Assholes! The other 2 % are either unattractive or have homosexual tendencies. Why is this theory of “The Asshole Infestation” so true? Everyone loves a challenge. True assholes put up the most difficult level of a challenge. You might think that you are winning an asshole over, but he’s got you right where he wants you. This is where the “disease” sets in. He’s got you to fall for him, only to treat you like shit. Then, when he does do 1 nice thing for you, it means the world to you and puts you in to this naive state of mind. This is where my 2nd set of friends appears. No matter how mean, or ignorant their boyfriends are to them, they insist that they can change them. An old wives tale says “The way to a mans heart is through his stomach”.. Well what about a good kick in the balls once in a while? I think my most important piece of advice I ever got was from the movie “Someone Like You.” The Old Cow-New Cow theory really opens up a window to my most recent relationship situation. You see, the theory states that once the Bull (the male) has used up the old cow (the recent girlfriend) because she is unattractive to him, he moves on to a fresh piece of meat labeled the New Cow (The other woman). The old cow is left to suffer with the troubling questions as to why she has been left, and what is she going to do now? Lets face it, once the bull is gone, he aint ever coming back, but us old cows hope for 2 things.... he will either A. Come back to the old cow and have incredible make up sex, or B. he will die of an incurable disease, such as Mad Cow. So where does this leave girls like me that envy the fortunate and pity the naive? Stuck in a no-relationship hell where I hear people constantly bitch and complain. I give myself credit that I don’t fall in to any of these categories, but I still have a sense of emptiness inside of me that eats away at me and ruined my life in the most horrifying way. My fear of commitment overwhelms me to the point of false hope. I meet a guy, only to be annoyed with him days later. Te ones that I am extremely attracted to, and avoid me, piss me the hell off. Im starting to form a complex here…I used to think of myself as a nice girl with a lot to offer a guy. Now I catch myself feeling as though im going to die a lonely death with my 52 cats that turn to cannibalism and eat away at my dead rotting body. The ways of love have really taken a toll on my fragile, extremely emotionally scarred mind. Where do I go from here? Well lesbianism is certainly a choice, but I cant stand the thought of looking at my own naked body, let alone another girls…You know what? That convent is looking brighter and brighter every day!! ------ ME (Shelby Cole, 9/18/02