04-03-98
i watch you do you know that ? i watch you with her
i don't want to but i watch you
every smile that passes her lips, every sigh that escapes yours
i watch you
i don't even have to go out of my way you come to me is that not strange ?
i see the ownership she displays and i know that which i lack
but this, this i could live with
it is the knowledge that you are unhappy, and that you choose to be unhappy that bothers me
if i knew that you were happy, i would not darken your door again
nor would i allow you to darken mine
we have shared so much, we two thoughts, feelings, loves, hopes
and now i am expected to be the welcoming friend, the gal-pal
i could understand, and possible even accept, this if it were her desire alone
but you, you of all people, wish for me to go on, as if nothing happened
this tears my heart apart would cleave my breast in two with the pain if i let it
so i brood and i suffer the joys of degradation and insomnia by
showing myself to be a good sport, a true friend, a pal
and all the while, the darkest thoughts race through my head,
igniting the dangerous fires carefully concealed 'neath my heart
i fight to remain neutral, and, so far as can be seen, there is nothing wrong, all is well, life is good
but beneath this calm exterior, this smooth blanket of friendship,
lies a heart full of pain, desire, warmth, and love that is brimming with dislike, discontent, and maleficent possibilities
i will continue to strive towards friendship, neutrality, utter calmness,
but i warn you, it's quite hard, and none of us may survive the experience
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