Assorted Jokes
A Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub . They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beveragethree flies landed in each of their pints,and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer andcontinued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman too, picked the fly out of his drink,held it out over the beer and then started yelling,"SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!
Blond Joke: A blonde walks up to a Coke machine in a Las Vegas casino, puts in a few coins, and out pops a Coke.She puts some more coins into the machine, another can of soda pops out.She keeps putting in coins, and cans of soda keep coming out.A guy walks up behind her and says, "Can I please use the machine?""Get Away!" she says. "Can't you see I'm winning?"
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK IF......The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife.
You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "Most Admired People."
You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying,"Hey, y'all watch this"
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Medical Humor: Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.You open them up and everything inside is numbered."The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."The third said, "I like to operate on electricians.You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers.They're heartless spineless, gutless,and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."
School Daze: It was at the end of the school year,and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.The florist's son handed her a gift.She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is.Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?""Oh, just a wild guess," she said.The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter.The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said,"I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.""That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner.The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking.She touched a drop of the leakage with her fingerand touched it to her tongue."Is it wine?" she asked."No," the boy replied, with some excitement.The teacher repeated the process,taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue."Is it champagne?" she asked."No," the boy replied, with more excitement.The teacher took one more taste before declaring,"I give up, what is it?"With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"