TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

Note: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
          accompanied by a complete financial statement, lineage history and
          current medical report from a doctor of my choosing.
 
          NAME:__________________________________________
          DATE OF BIRTH:____________ HEIGHT:_________ WEIGHT:___________
          IQ:______________ GPA:____________ NUMBER OF YEARS IN SCHOOL_____
          SOCIAL SECURITY#:__________________ DL#:____________________
          BOY SCOUT RANK:_______________ SUNDAY SCHOOL
                                                                      ATTENDED:___________________
 
          Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?________ If "no" explain
          below. Number of years parents married:_____
 
          Do you own or have access to a van ______, a truck with oversized
          tires _____, a waterbed _____?
          Do you have an ear ring, nose ring or belly button ring?______
          Do you have a tattoo?_____
          Have you ever been arrested?______
          [If yes to any of these, discontinue application and leave
          immediately.]
 
          In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
          ____________________________________________________________________
 
          In 50 words or less, what does the word "NO" mean to you??
          ____________________________________________________________________
 
          In 50 words or less, give your definition of "REAL PAIN"
          ____________________________________________________________________
 
          Church you attend: ________________ How often?  S, M, T, W, Th, F, S
          When would be the best time to interview your mother, father and
          minister? _____________________
          Please fill in the blanks:
                   A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want
                   wounded would be my ______________.
                   B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken would
                   be my ______________.
                   C. A woman's place is in the __________________.
                   D. The one thing I hope this application doesn't ask is
                   ___________.
                   E. When I meet a girl, the one thing I always notice first is
                        her ________________.
                        (If the answer in "E" involves a body part, leave
                        premises now, keeping your head low and running in a
                        serpentine fashion.)
                   F. What do you want to be IF you grow up _________________.
 
           I swear that all the above information is correct to the best of my
           knowledge under penalty of death, bodily harm, dismemberment, torture
           or mental abuse.
 
           Signature of applicant _________________________________
           Signature of father _____________________________________
           Signature of mother ____________________________________
           Signature of minister ___________________________________
           Signature of State Representative _________________________
 
           Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
           non-sexual.  Please allow 4-6 weeks for processing. You will be
           contacted in writing if approved.  If denied, please never apply
           again.  Don't call me, I'll call you.

Thanks to Jana Eden for this joke!