So, I'm going to have a baby……

I don't believe it. I did the home pregnancy test just to appease my husband. He's the one who actually bought the stupid thing. I was so sure there was no way this could be happening. I hadn't been feeling right but that was nothing unusual for me. I was always complaining about one ailment or another. The chronic complainer, the drama queen! That's how most of my friends thought of me. I never paid much attention to myself because I always thought that whatever could be bothering me was most likely nothing anyway.

I had been starving. There was no comprehending my appetite that evening. I actually phoned home while still on the train and insisted my husband pick me up ready to go straight to dinner. I hardly ever asked to go out for dinner so he was more then happy to take me.

We went to this cute little Italian joint we liked to visit every so often. The food was decent, the service pretty good and the prices extremely moderate. It was the kind of place you could have a quiet meal in and be totally comfortable.
We ordered our meals and I stuck to the basics which I always ordered. I started in on the basket of bread inhaling it almost instantly. I couldn't wait for my soup and as a result I ordered a second basket of bread. Normally, this much bread would leave me too stuffed to eat my meal but not tonight. I ate all my soup, and then all my salad. I was still plowing down the bread quite happily. Finally, the REAL food arrived. I not only ate all my chicken but I even came damn near to finishing my pasta. At one point my husband looked nervously at me and then protectively at his own dinner.

I was a woman possessed. There was no satisfying me! Victor, my husband, sat back in his chair and made this happily satisfied sound and lovingly patted his belly. I stared at him in stunned amazement when I realized that I wasn't even close to being full. I was still hungry!

I had planned to go out with my girlfriend Christy that evening. I was going to have a few too many ice cold beers, smoke way too many cigarettes and stay out far too late. When we got home I thought about the way I had been feeling and about my unexplainable moodiness which had been incomparably worse then my just normal impossible self and thought that just for peace of mind I should do the test before going out for a wild night on the town

I never saw anything happen so fast. I barely looked at the stupid thing when it registered positive. I just sat there in the bathroom for a minute holding my breath. I wasn't sure at all how I felt about all this. We weren't even trying. It just happened. A total sneak attack. I took a deep breath. And then, I took another. I took a long hard look at myself in the mirror and was surprised to see myself grinning back like an idiot. I think I even giggled softly. Mostly I think my reactions stemmed from nervous tension.

I had very mixed emotions over the whole thing. I was quickly trying to pull myself together before opening the bathroom door. I know Vic didn't think it would turn out positive either. When I finally emerged, stick in hand he looked up at me from on the sofa and said "Negative right?"

I blurted out my response with total unemotional bluntness "You're going to be a daddy." I know I must have been white as a sheet. I could feel the blood draining from my face. I was thinking about how all this would change my life and drastically. I kept thinking what am I going to do? How will we manage? Am I even ready for this? Will I be any good at it? It all mattered so much and I didn't know if I could do it.

I had the normal fears about pregnancy in general too. How sick would I feel? How fat would I get? How miserable and uncomfortable? What would giving birth feel like? How could I handle the pain when normally I'm such a spineless coward? All these frightening, overwhelming thoughts raced around the back of my mind while in the front were even darker ones.

I hadn't planned on this. Not yet anyway. We discussed it and agreed that we would begin trying at the end of the year. I was finally getting that promotion I had worked so hard for. I had professional commitments to follow through with and I had personal ones that really mattered to me. My house was under construction and we were nearly out of money again. I had wanted to change my medical coverage and figure out what my attack plan would be for afterwards.

Now I was standing there, watching my husband jump up and down for joy thinking about all the complications and potential problems. I was always the worrier in our house and now it just went from being a flickering star of worry to super nova proportions. He looked so happy. I wanted to be that happy with him but I was clinging to all those fears.

That was a week ago. I have been an emotional wreck for several days now. I have been tense, moody and overly sensitive. I have also begun to experience the joys of nausea, exhaustion and clothes that fit a pinch too tightly.

I think that when I first learned of my pregnancy I was a little resentful and a lot fearful. I resented not having a say in the matter. I wanted to somehow prepare for the big event. I wanted it to happen at a time in my life when I was emotionally prepared to handle it. I felt like this was something that was done to me and not something I consciously wanted to happen.

Don't get me wrong, I think the idea will grow on me and in some ways I'm thrilled about it. I think that once I see the heartbeat on the next sonogram I'll be more excited. Right now though it seems sort of foreign and unreal. I know that when the time comes my instincts will kick in and I'll learn to be a good mother. I also know that I'll love my child fiercely because it will be mine and the love it has for me will be unconditional. I imagine there is nothing like it in the universe. The love between a parent and a child. Well, the early years anyway. The years before your child is influenced by the outside world and ripped from your heart bit by bit until it leaves the nest completely. I know that will be amazing, when I get there but right now I'm filled with self doubt and fear.

I think that there are many women who go through similar feelings. There must be. I can't believe that every women through out time that has ever found out she was pregnant just jumped up and down excitedly thinking she would be the perfect mother. I think my sister did. I think she was born to be someone's mother. She's amazing but we're all not like that. At least I hope we're not because if we are, then there is something seriously wrong with me.

I decided to write a journal about my coming months so that I could share my thoughts, my fears and my experiences with my readers. Humor me if I become the doting mommy by the time all this is over. After all, I am only human and I suppose it can happen even to me.

I won't be able to post this right away. I've been told its bad luck to discuss the blessed event before the three month mark so I'll hold myself back for just a little longer. That means I will be forced to hit you with the entire trimester all at once.

Let me give you a glimpse of what I have felt like physically so far…….do the words exhausted, constantly hungry, nauseous, crampy and bloated mean anything to you? If not then you've never been pregnant! I spent my entire night last night sitting up in bed. I felt so sick to my stomach. This is after having spent the prior week up at night with killer heartburn. No wonder I'm tired all the time, I never manage to get any sleep.

I went from being unbearably hot to teeth chattering cold last night. It was miserable. I was so nauseous that I woke my husband up. If I was going to suffer the least he could do was be awake with me. I never imagined I would miss the upstairs bathroom so much. Its killing me that he decided to redo that bathroom just before I learned I was pregnant. Now I have to get out of bed and go all the way downstairs three time each night.

That was another major issue with me. I decided that it was simply not fair that I have all the fun while hubby just watched. I told Vic that if I had to be pregnant so did he! Who said the man should have his few minutes of fun and then be permitted to kick back and do nothing while we women had to go through all the joys of pregnancy anyway? I decided he needed to share this with me on a deeper level.

Its been several days since I've written anything. I think I'm coming to terms with this a bit more now. I don't feel quite as awful as I did the other day although I'm still terribly tired and always hungry. I think the fat thing will be with me for a really long time though. I hate feeling out of control with my body. Its like being a pod person or something. Its so bizarre having this little alien being taking up residence in my body. MY BODY!!!! I don't recall inviting the little freeloader but a guest is a guest so I'll do my best to be a good host.

I know I sound awful. Honestly, that's just my overly twisted sense of humor kicking up dust again. In some ways I'm beyond excited happiness but I guess years of expecting the worst and watching for the negative side of things can catch up with a person causing a lot of negative fallout. Heck, who knows, maybe this whole baby thing will bring out some finer qualities I've been avoiding.

My best friend told me today that its all a matter of instinct and that yes, even I have maternal instincts that will kick in. This should be good! It helped having someone other than my husband reassure me that I would be a good mother. I have so many fears and doubts about my abilities. I hope everyone else is right.

I went out to dinner tonight with some friends from work. I wouldn't have gone but a close friend of mine is moving away and this was her farewell dinner with the girls. I had to go, I wanted to go, I wish I had gone home.

It's amazing how incredibly bad a good meal can seem when you don't feel well. I took one look at my dinner and began to wretch. What a lousy feeling that was. I ordered the plainest thing on the menu but it still didn't agree with me.

I felt hungry and wanted to eat but when I began to chew my food I began to wish I never put it in my mouth. There was about a half an hour where I was having hot flashes and terrible cramping. I kept wishing I could go home and lie down but that was hours away and I wasn't giving in to it.

Before we left for dinner I temporarily gave into the exhaustion and passed out at my desk. It took only seconds for me to become unconscious once my head was down and my eyes were closed. I hate that I have to keep hiding the reasons for feeling so lousy all the time. Little by little I've told people in the office about the baby. I just keep avoiding telling the bosses. Just a little longer and I can come out of the closet once and for all!

Isn't it ridiculous that I feel like I have to hide this in this day and age? There has to be a way to work it all out where I can somehow hang on to my job and where my company will be happy. There must be a compromise. I just don't know how willing they will be to keep me. I guess I'll find out won't I?

I'm in a car now, finally heading home to bed. I feel like there is just no rest in sight for me. Yesterday I was on a plane coming home from Houston. Today it's a late dinner in the city. Tomorrow night will be the grocery shopping. Thursday night will be Julie coming home with me for the weekend. Monday Susan will be visiting from Florida. Its always something. I just want one night where I get to sleep for a really long time.

I keep wondering about all this cramping I keep having. Is it normal? Am I supposed to have that much pain? Could it be the prenatal vitamins disagreeing with me? I have no idea having never done this before.

Prenatal vitamins…I know they're important but do they have to make you sick?

I just looked down at my nails and realized that more than anything in my life, I'd love a manicure. It would make me so completely happy but who has time. I guess God is preparing me for the rest of my life. I'll never have free time again will I?

I'm at the tail end of my first trimester now. I think its time for me to post this story, my first installment. Since the last time I wrote I have found the courage to tell my boss about the baby. It didn't go over well that first day. He seemed seriously angry with me. I wound up back at my desk in tears. All the females in the office rallied around me and when he came in to talk to me they physically blocked him from the room! Woman are amazing creatures at times. When one is expecting they all become protective mothers!

I was sent to Spain the following week and during that time he came to accept the situation. I still don't know if I'll have a job when all this is over. We haven't even discussed the terms of my returning to work. Obviously I won't be able to keep to the schedule I do now. Fourteen hours per day away from home with a newborn is a bit rough. I'm hoping to work out some agreement where I work from home part time and as the baby gets older I'll wean away from it. Gradually going from more time at home to more time at the office. I don't have many choices.

I'm financially overwhelmed with responsibilities and can't even begin to consider not working. I need my salary. I don't have anyone that can help out either. I don't have the luxury of a family member with loads of free time on their hands who can take my baby. I don't earn enough to pay for full time day care. I'm very limited with my options and it terrifies me.

All I can do is hope for the best and pray for a miracle. Somehow I must believe that things will work out. I may not like what happens but I have to believe that God will protect and provide and help to guide me. Its really all I have to go on right now.

Since becoming pregnant I have experienced an overwhelming sense of aloneness. Deep down I feel like I'm so terribly alone in all this that it leaves me shaking sometimes. My husband has been great so far. He's trying so hard to help me when I don't feel well. He's taken on much more around the house, insisting I don't do certain chores. I appreciate it and its wonderful but its the bigger things that frighten me.

I'm worried about the financial impact all this will have while he just thinks it will all work out without a problem. He always assumed I would stop working and just stay home with the kids. While I think that would be wonderful in many ways and nothing could be more important than guiding ones children in those early years, I also know the bills will not magically pay themselves.

I guess there's a lot going on inside me. Not just physically but emotionally as well. Everyone telling me what a miracle it is and how wonderful pregnancy is. All I know is so far, I just feel sick.

And speaking of sick…..hubby is having some serious sympathy pains for me, poor baby. He's constantly complaining about not feeling well. He's even been sick a few times. I teased him the other day that my pregnancy is going better than his!

Today is the first day that I don't feel completely terrible in a long time. Like I said, just about the end of trimester one! I'm daring to hope I will begin to have some improvement now. People keep telling me how worth it all this is. I'm still waiting for something to prove them right. I'm so hopeful that when all this is over and its a new beginning.

I guess we'll all just have to sit back and wait and see what happens next.