Ice

I must have been dreaming. I know my dreams were very odd last night. I remember several strange things from them. I remember snow and ice and a frozen lake I had to walk across. I remember being afraid I would fall through the ice.

It was so cold in this dream. I walked up a path that wound around a mountain. When I reached the top, it was white, everything was white for as far as I could see. I looked down and below me there was a village. To reach the village I had to cross the ice. I was told by my guide that it was a journey of faith and that if I was pure in heart I reach the other side, if I was false, I would fall through. I turned to look back over my shoulder and he was gone. There was no going back now. The snow came down in blankets of white and the wind was picking up. I couldn't see more then a few feet in front of me. Turning back was impossible.

I had no choice but to try and move forward. I could see the path walked by others before me scratched out through the snow. Where they had walked the snow was packed down and thin. I could make out faint footprints in the trail. I stepped out very tentatively. I gingerly placed my left foot in a spot where someone else had placed theirs sometime before. I looked down at my feet and realized I did not wear boots on my feet. Then I noticed I was not dressed for winter at all which explained why I felt so cold. I stood there, on the edge of what could be my death, wind whipping my body, chafing at my skin and making me shiver; wearing only my black high heels, stockings, and my black suit. I was well manicured though. I can still see my fingers digging into my arms trying to create warmth, pale white from cold against the stark blackness of my jacket. My nails were long and French manicured, I don't know why that stuck in my mind but it did. Odd isn't it?

Finally, I decided that I would face my fear and take the next step. I squared my shoulders, took a deep breath, held my head high and started walking. As I moved forward the wind howled and blew more fiercely. I had to lean my weight into it to keep moving. When I looked behind me I could see the shore I had just left, growing more and more distant. I stared blankly ahead of me. As if in a trance I continued on, detached and somewhat numb. When I reached the center I heard a groaning sound. There was a rumbling beneath my feet and I feared that I would fall beneath the ice and be lost there.

I closed my eyes for a instant, I held my breath, I turned my face up toward the sky to say my last prayer. Suddenly, I was no longer afraid. I did not beg God for my life but I thanked him instead. I thanked him for allowing me the time I had, for giving me the life I had known and for making the world filled with so much beauty. I opened my eyes and just stood there, looking up into the sky. The wind had stopped beating me back, the sky had cleared. It was no longer quite so grey. I could see the sun again, and I could feel it warming my face.

I smiled then, somehow knowing I had passed the test. I blinked my eyes and when I looked in front of me again I saw that I was much further then halfway across the lake. I blinked my eyes to be certain. It turns out, I was only steps away from safety. I had survived the journey. I took the last few steps to the other side and knew it was finally over.

When I reached my destination I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. Somehow I knew a tremendous burden had been lifted from my shoulders and I knew that I was finally home.

That's the end of it - I have no idea what that one means. My dreams sometimes leave me feeling bewildered for an entire day after I wake. I don't think I'll ever understand how real they feel or how clearly they can stay with me afterwards. I swear, I can still see that view when I close my eyes. Its like a photograph. I can see every line, every shadow, every detail. How the whites go from pure and blinding to pale dove greys where there is shadow. It makes really wonder where this stuff comes from…