Dear Reader,

I want to share something with you that is very personal. I want to tell you the story of someone who has changed my life. This story is very true, it is very close to my heart and it is very special. I want to tell you about a person who came into my life and made a difference.

Sometimes we’re lucky enough to find a person who really cares, who gives freely of himself and demonstrates unconditional acceptance, understanding and friendship. I am so lucky because I have that in my life.

Sometimes, we just have to say thank you. Please indulge me because I feel strongly that this is something I need to do.

Thank you for reading.

I wandered far, always searching outside myself for all the answers and as time passed I began the real journey. I turned my focus inward, I examined myself, who I was and hoped to be. It seemed I already traveled an endless journey fraught with challenges but here I stood on the edge of yet one more. I looked down a fathomless cavern, which in reality was my soul.

The demons I would face were far more frightening then any I had battled before. These monsters were of my own creation. Life’s greatest journeys begin with a single step and I was finally ready. I was ready to face what lay beneath the surface and find the answers.

I had always assumed that they would come from somewhere else. It never occurred to me that all the time I ran about, never touching ground, never embracing the things I should hold dear that it was all there right before my eyes. I always felt there was something missing. I wonder why?

I spent countless years struggling to find that thing that would fill the void in my heart. I walked through life like my soul mourned some great loss. It took me all this time to find the answer. Oh, there was something missing, something critical which made my life feel empty. That something missing was me.

I was not part of my own life. I had been lost somewhere along the way. I had forgotten all the things that made me who I was and became someone else. I had been blinded to what really mattered. I had let it all go like it mattered so little I would never miss it.

After a time, I forgot these things that once mattered so much. There occasionally came to me through my dreams haunting images that told me of a person I wished I could be. One day, I awoke, I knew something was terribly wrong in my life and yet still, I could not identify it.

I found myself confused and unsure. So many things seemed to drift just slightly from my reach. I could see them, I could hear them call out to me but I could never touch them. I knew what they were, but I could not feel them for myself.

Others who saw me struggle tried to help me reach but either I would not let them or they simply could not do it. I wondered, was it really me that held back from what I wanted. They were my dreams after all, why did I back away from them?

Then one day, something changed for me. I made a friend. It had been a long time since I made a real friend whom I could truly trust. Somehow he made things different, he made me believe again.

This is a story of a deep and abiding friendship well beyond my ability to understand but none the less am grateful for. I don’t know how it happened or what made it so special but I do know it changed my life.

Once upon a time there was a girl. Okay, admittedly, the girl in this story is me. I lived in a house I forgot how to care about with a husband I forgot how to love. I had a family I forgot to spend time with and friends I forgot to notice.

Its a sad story really because although I forgot to feel the things I knew I should, deep down inside these things still mattered, I just forgot how to let them show. I got up each day and went to work and then I came home each night and withdrew a little further. I lost myself to meaningless things and became more consumed by unhealthy ways to waste what little free time I had.

I found myself having a hard time facing life’s complications. I didn’t want to deal with sadness or pain in the beginning. If something seemed to be upsetting I withdrew a little further. I was attracted to picture perfect images, which held no truth. I wandered into dark forests and each winding path I took drew me deeper into the murky shadows.

There was less and less of me to be recognized by any that knew me. When confronted by those who used to know me, I became angry. I wanted only to be forgotten and left alone. I had given up. The day to day struggle, the trying to make everything all right was just too much to face any longer.

After many months of being alone and lost and confused I began to have nightmares. The nightmares were always different but always the same. I would find myself alone drifting in the ocean. The water cold and dark and as vast as the eye could see. I would struggle to stay afloat. Arms exhausted, lungs struggling for air the water would consume me. I would slip silently beneath the surface to die alone. No one ever noticed, no one tried to save me.

Beneath the surface I drifted further from the sun. Surrounded by blackness and cold. Tired and weak and so afraid I would give up knowing I was helpless. Lungs bursting in my chest, unable to continue holding my breath, an instant of panic before the water would take my life.

Suddenly there was only blackness and silence. In my ears echoed my own silent screams as I inhaled the last mouthful of water. My soul drifting away from my body. In my dream my soul hung there beneath the surface, looking back at the lifeless body still lost and alone. Even in death, my heart wandered alone and searching for something. No one ever came to claim it. I would just wait there. There was nothing. There was nothing of light, nothing of darkness. Nothing wanted me so I just waited there, alone.

Days, weeks, and months passed and so it went. When the nightmares came on a regular basis I knew there could be no denying that something had to change in my life. I had to let someone in. I needed to trust someone and I needed some help.

I made two decisions. The first was to find a good psychologist to work through some of my problems. The other was to blindly, and without reservation accept unconditional friendship and learn to trust someone.

This is really the truth about me. For a change of pace I decided to open myself up and not write fictional stories. I am the once selfish monster who shut out the world around me. I forgot to feel much of anything beyond pain and sadness. I won’t bore anyone with all the nasty details of what drove me that far from what always mattered to me.

I made a lot of mistakes and didn’t know how to fix them. I hurt people I loved and could not make it up to them. I violated almost every trust ever placed in me. I did so many things wrong that I didn’t think I could ever salvage any of my life again. In my mind I do take responsibilities for my mistakes and all my failures, for which there have been many but I will not say that I was always at fault. I am not to blame for all the problems of the world.

When people did try to get close to me, try to breach the safety barriers I hid behind, I simply pushed them away. For the most part it worked. People believed my withdrawal was out of a lack of caring when in fact it was the opposite. I could not face the rejection and feelings of failure. I could not risk being hurt or abandoned so I pushed them away before they could leave me.

One day, I don’t know how exactly, I was fortunate enough to find a friend. He taught me a great many things, including how to recognize my own self worth. I don’t know how I could ever have gotten through the past several months without his help. My life spiraled out of control and he helped me find my footing again.

There were a lot of people who helped me along the way but it was this one man in particular who made me even want to try. He has been more supportive then I ever dreamed a person could be. He showed me how to care not only about my life and those around me again but also for myself.

When I hated myself, he showed me I was worth loving. He has a beautiful soul. He convinced me that I deserved better and that I was my own worst enemy. He reopened my eyes to what was really important. He wouldn’t let me give up on my life. He made me stop and see that my marriage and my family mattered and were worth fighting for. He made me want to be part of my life again. He made me see what was really important when no one else could.

He wouldn’t allow me to sit around feeling sorry for myself. He insisted I take a more positive outlook on things. He made me believe in myself. I’m not saying that he performed miracles or solved my problems for me but he did reach out to me when I desperately needed someone.

There were a lot of people in my life who offered to help me and I flatly refused. I do not doubt that those around me love me (although only God knows why) but I did not trust them. I always second-guessed their motives when they offered help. He gave me no choice, I was going to allow him to help me.

I think the thing that made him such a strong influence in my life is that he accepts me without question, exactly as I am and still thinks I am special. He sees me for all my faults as still being someone worth while. He has the patience of a saint and he never, ever under any circumstances puts up with any of my crap.

If I am feeling miserable and sorry for myself he gives me a good talking to. He doesn’t let me wallow in self-pity but makes me face my problems. He has taught me that if you stop and really examine the situation, it probably isn’t as bad as you thought. Because of him, I have learned that I don’t need to be so afraid of my life.

I’m just starting to gain control of my life again. After several very difficult and trying months I am finding that I can like who I am and that in this life even I have significance. I am learning to appreciate the important things again, my home, my family, my friends, and my job, all of it. I’m beginning to take back what was once mine and put things in perspective.

It's been a very long, very difficult road for me. No, he did not solve all my problems for me but he made me realize that I was deserving of my life and strong enough to make it happen. He showed me that if I wanted it, I could have it. If I didn’t give up, it could be that simple, that easy, I just had to reach out and take it.

Lately, I think I have been much happier. I feel much better about my life. It's not quite so empty as I thought. The deep dark cavern that lived within me is all but disappearing. I won’t say that my life is perfect. I think there is a tiny space that lives within us all, always making us wonder if we chose the right path to walk. My little black hole is not the all-consuming monster it once had been though.

My nightmares have all but stopped coming now too. I’ve not seen one in weeks, which feels amazing to me. I’m sure that over time, when things get difficult they will come back. Lately, instead of rough seas, high winds, darkness and death I dream of blue/grey skies calm waters and windmills.

It surprises me that for as much as I feel better, others notice the change in me. I did not know I appeared so miserable to the world but I suppose I must have looking back. I am told that I became a stranger to those who love me. I do not think for a moment that all the work is done, I will always need to be careful of what lurks in the shadows.

These days my home is a happy one and I am far more content. I am still working on repairing the damages I have caused and even extending myself beyond those for which I am responsible. I have learned to care again.

There are two things I would like to say in closing. The first of which is that if you are like I was, sad, and lonely and without hope, don’t ever give up. Somewhere out there, you will find that one special person who can help you. I honestly believe that somewhere in the world there has to be someone who will recognize your individuality, your ability to be loved and your true inner beauty.

It only takes one person to make a difference. I am surprised at how little it really took. It required only him reaching out to me and being the right person to do it. The other thing it required was my allowing him to. In the end I had to learn to let someone in. Once I opened to door to my heart it was so easy to let everything else back in again.

I’m still a long way from where I want to be but at least I know I am on my way finally and it is because of him.

In closing, the last thing I want to say or more rightfully need to say is thank you. Thank you Jason for coming into my life and for making a real difference. I’m not sure even you know how much of a difference you really made but I’m trying to make sure I tell you.

You have done more for me from an ocean away than anyone can imagine. It doesn’t matter that I can’t sit in the same room with you and it doesn’t matter that I’ve never seen you. You have been the best friend a person could ever ask for. Thank you for not giving up on me and for not walking away. Thank you for always standing by me and for always believing in me. Thank you for thinking that I’m worthwhile and for your enduring patience and understanding. Thank you for all the things you have been these past few months.

You helped me through a difficult and trying time and you never complained. You never got annoyed, and you never told me how wrong I was. You never placed blame, you never judged me. When everyone else made me feel like I somehow failed them, you reassured me. You never even asked for anything in return.

How can I say thank you for all that you have done? I don’t think even I could find the right words. I only hope that I can be half the friend to you that you have been to me. I would walk to the edge of the universe for you Jason. You would only need to ask it of me.

In eternal friendship, I remain yours, now and always.

Karen