Jokes Posted up to June 29, 1997

Microsoft in the South

1. Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders ( U know the southern word for window)
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a hefty bag
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Awright" or "Naw"
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be "Dueling Banjos"
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!"
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be Achy-Breaky Heart
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and Vishul C++"
11. Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12. Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
13. Instead of latte carts we'd have grits carts
14. New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now, Yah hear?!"
15. Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
16. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
17. Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
18. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
19. Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
20. Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard
21. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator
22. Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates

The 10 Last Things a Man/Woman Would EVER Say...

The last 10 things any man would ever say

10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool mother-fucker!
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I'm absolutely wrong, you must be right.
7. Her tits are just too big.
6. Sometimes, I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder She Wrote gives me a woody.
4. Sure, I would *love* to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall in ages, let's go shopping. so I can hold your purse.
2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we're lost, let's stop and ask for directions.

The last 10 things any woman would ever say

10.Could our relationship be more physical? I am tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the toliet seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, getta whiff of that one!
6. Please don't throw that old T shirt away...the holes in the armpits are just too cute.
5. This diamond is just too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow P.J., it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, YOU MUST be right!!

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Women's Little Instruction Book

1. If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
2. Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
3. The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you've got sick of him.
4. Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
5. A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
6. If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.
7. Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
8. A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay.
9. Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
10. Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
11. Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
12. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
13. There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them
14. Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets
15. Mens brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.
16. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop".
17. Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.
18. Men ae like linolium if you lay it right the first time, you can walk all over it forever! M

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A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling

By Mark Twain

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.

Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

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Kids' Quotes

• Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.
• A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
• There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.
• There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up here these days.
• Lime is a green-tasting rock.
• Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.
• Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
• Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
• Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
• Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
• We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
• To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
• In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
• Clouds are high flying fogs.
• I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
• Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
• Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.
• A blizzard is when it snows sideways.
• A monsoon is a French gentleman.
• Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
• Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
• It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places. wind is like the air, only pushier.

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Corporate Physical Fitness Program

The following notice was posted on the XYZ Company's bulletin board:
No further physical fitness programs are necessary because everyone gets enough exercise

....jumping to conclusions,
....flying off the handle,
....beating around the bush,
....running down the boss,
....going around in circles,
....dragging their feet,
....dodging responsibility.

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Church Story

One day Mr. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem; my wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this pin with you. I'll be able to tell when Mrs. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give her a good poke in the leg with the pin."

In church the following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "...And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" cried Mrs. Jones as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "Yes, you are right, Mrs. Jones," said the minister.

Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr. Jones. "God!" cried out Mrs. Jones as she was stuck again with the pin. "Right again, Mrs. Jones," said the minister, smiling and continuing his sermon.

Before long, Mrs. Jones dozed off again. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to wake his wife again. He was just sticking his wife with the pin again when the minister minister asked, "...And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones shrieked, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!!!"

The sermon was over.

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Universal Grade Change Form

UNIVERSAL GRADE CHANGE FORM
Name of School: ________________________

To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________

I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

______1. The persons who copied my paper got a higher grade than I did.
______2. The person whose paper I copied got a higher grade than I did.
______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into:


             ______Law School
             ______Medical School                 
             ______Graduate School
             ______Dental School                    
             ______My Fraternity/Sorority
             ______The Mickey Mouse Club   
             ______Tri County Tech


______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in _______________.
______5. I'll lose my scholarship.
______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.
______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
_____10. You are prejudiced against:


             ______Males	______Jews	______Blacks
             ______Females	______Catholics	______Whites
             ______Protestants	______Moslems	______Minorities
             ______Chicanos	______People	______Students


_____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
_____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:


             ______mono

             ______broken baby finger

             ______acute alcoholism

             ______pregnancy/fatherhood

             ______VD

             ______procrastination


_____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
_____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
_____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
_____16. The lectures were:


             ______too detailed to pick out important points

             ______not explained in sufficient detail

             ______too boring

             ______all jokes and not enough material

             ______all of the above


_____17. This course was:


             ______too early, I was not awake...

             ______at lunchtime, I was hungry

             ______too late, I was tired


_____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate, wet on, threw up on) my (book, notes, paper) for this course.
_____19. Other___________________________________________________

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What Time Is It?

In America, they say, "It's ten o'clock---do you know where your children are?"

In England, they say, "It's ten o'clock---do you know where your wife is?"

In France, they say, "It's ten o'clock---do you know where your husband is?"

In Italy, they say, "It's ten o'clock---do you know what TIME it is?"