Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.
Take perspective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses.
1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"
4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"
5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"
6. "Did he kill you?"
7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
9. "How may times have you committed suicide?"
11.
Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"
Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"
Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?" Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"
Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."
Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."
Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy." Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."
Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood?"
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road? A: What for? He can't see my license plate. Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time? A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do." Q: When driving through fog, what should you use? A: Your car. Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving? A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster. Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully. Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed? A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute. Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light? A: The color. Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic? A: Drive like minamoto. Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem? A: Carry loaded weapons.
Normally when I hear embarassing stories about my friends I sort of chuckle a little and let it pass, however when my friend at CU boulder wrote me this letter telling me about her embarssing experience, as sick as it was i could not help but become hysterical and I know with the sick sense of humor my friends have, that ya'll would appreciate this as well. I asked, my friend if I could write it up, she didn't mind as long as I didn't use her name, so here it is...this one's for you Wood. - Maryline
An anonymous girl lets call her Jen, is a junior in college attending school in Colorado, like all college students, she is wrapped up in the partying and the wildness college life has to offer. Jen being the computer science major that she is does however have a lot of work to do on her computer so when she's not out having a good time, she's working her butt off designing computer programs and installing software.
One day, soon after she had broken up with her boyfriend, she was home alone on a friday night for the first time in the three years they had been dating. She was sad alone and depressed, so she decided to make a new homepage. She was playing on the net when she decided to get onto a chat line, being the wild psycho she is she decided to get onto a sex line. So Jen got onto a sex chat line and started playing around on it. Over the line, she met a guy who identified himself as Jeremy, she started playing with him, she gave a false name, saying her name was "Katie" and started getting into detail about what she would like to do to him with her tongue. He responded by telling her to picture being naked while his hands ran over every square inch of her body. Soon they were having cybersex. This went on for awhile, and then she got off the line agreeing to meet him back on the line the following night.
Saturday night rolls around, and Jen is on the line with Jeremy again, they become even closer this night, so they continue like this for a week. At the end of the week, they started talking about other things, and got into very intimate issues and feelings. They became close, exchanging their lives, Jen didnt' tell Jeremy she was in college, because she was afraid of sounding like an immature college girl. She felt guilty, but after a few weeks, she really liked this guy. This went on the two of them like this for months, and months turned into a year.
By the end of the year they had exchanged the most intimate thoughts, and yet had never even spoken on the phone. They were afraid of ruining the mystery. They had done everything sexually possible over the net, they were affectionate as well, waiting for the day that they could some day be together. They finally decided they had had enough. They wanted to meet each other, they were in love and they had to meet. They didn't care about age or looks or anything but each other.
Jeremy told Jen he thought she could be his next wife. Jen was weary at first but decided she didn't care how old he was or how ugly she loved him, he was the only one she could feel comfortable with. so...they planned a trip to meet in Vale, Colorado. They were going to spend the weekend together and finally meet. Jen didn't want the hassle of having to find him, so she said, why don't you just get the room and we'll meet in the room that way there will be no mistake. Jeremy agreed.
Jen showed up at the resort first, and checked into the room telling the desk lady to hold the key for the next party, so she went into the room. She wanted things to be special so she lit some candles, put on some music. She stripped naked and climbed into the bed under the covers, deciding to surprise Jeremy when he got there. the time soon came the lights were out, the mood was right, and she heard a key in the door, she heard someone walk in and around the corner, and she whispered, "Jeremy", Jeremy said, "katie?" (this was the false name she had given him.) Yes she said, so he fumbled for the light, and turned it on to see Jen on the bed naked before him. Then next thing heard around the world were two blood curling screams. Jen covered herself up, and with her most humiliating voice said, "Dad?" and Jeremy said, "JEN!!!"
Think of what you would do in this situation..
Now realize this really did happen.
Their lives will never be the same.
July 19 - Some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a modem. I don't see why. He's just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think I am?
July 22 - I bought the modem. I couldn't figure out where it goes. It wouldn't fit in the monitor or the printer. I'm confused.
July 23 - I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year old next door did it for me. But it still don't work. I cant get online.
July 25 - That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America Online for me. He's so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says that's just another service. What a modest kid. He's so smart and he does these services for people. Anyway he's smarter then the jerks who sold me the modem. They didn't even tell me about communications software. Bet they didn't know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured it out by the sound.
July 26 - What's the internet? I thought I was on America Online. Not this internet thing. I'm confused.
July 27 - The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this America Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared to me. Maybe he's not so modest after all.
July 28 - I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.
July 29 - I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it because I'm connected to America Online not usenet.
July 30 - These people in this usenet thing keep using capital letters. How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters. Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.
JULY 31 - I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN ABOUT NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS LOCK KEY. WHY DIDN'T THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDN'T WANT A STANDARD KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.
AUGUST 1 - I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS THAT IT CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.
AUGUST 2 - I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS JOKE ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA! I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 3 - I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DON'T NOW SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.
AUGUST 4 - THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS RUDE. I WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.
AUGUST 5 - SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDN'T HAVE TO USE PROFANITY.
AUGUST 6 - SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES. WHAT A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?
August 7 - Why have a Caps Lock key if you're not suppose to use it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.
August 8 - I just read this post called make money fast. I'm so exited. I'm going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it to every newsgroup I could find.
August 9 - I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I will have to work on it some more.
August 10 - I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read a few posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. I wonder what an aol is.
August 11 - I was asking where to find some information about something. Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. I've looked and looked but I can't find that group.
August 12 - I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house he's laughing so hard he can't eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I don't know why the rec.humor group didn't like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they used bad words.
August 13 - I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to read my favorite poem so I included it. I'm also going to add that short story I like.
August 14 - Some guy suspended my account because of what I was doing. I told him I don't have an account at his bank. He's so dumb.
TO: ALL STAFF
FROM: EX - EMPLOYEE
SUBJECT: OFFICE PARTY
When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness. Since several of you have openly called me a son - of - a - bitch to my face, I know I must have done something wrong at our office party last Friday. The office manager called me from hospital and, as this is my last day, Id like to take this way of apologising to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally but you all seem too deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.
First: To my dear and beloved boss, Mr. Simon. I am sorry for all the things I called you on Friday. I am very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor is your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman and my story about buying her for 50 cents in The Philippines was simply a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, well, you will never know how badly I felt about it and I hope they didnt hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jar off.
To comely Miss Ashley, I express my deepest regret: in my own defence I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell 3 metres on to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.
Dave Jones, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were jumpy I would NEVER have done it. It could have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window when you jumped through. She broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.
Mr. Gray, I regret telling that fireman that it was you who turned on the false alarm but, of course, I had no way of knowing that they would be such bad sports about it. Those fire hoses really have a lot of pressure, dont they? And the water is so cold!
Bill Crane, you rate a special apology. My laughing when you forgot to put the seat down and got stuck in the toilet was bad enough, but my calling everyone else in to watch was unforgivable. I should also apologise to all the ladies in the office. Placing plastic film over the ceramic part of the toilet bowls in the ladies - and then leaving the toilet seats down - was NOT a good idea. The janitor assures me the bill for cleaning up will be forwarded to my home address.
Bill Day, I know how you must feel about my opening the door to the mop closet so suddenly. It must have startled you and Miss French quiet badly. When I think of how hard you bumped your chin on the sink when you bent down to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We will have to get together for dinner sometime when the dentist finishes your plate.
Miss Brown, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies toilet was that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldnt remember where I hid them and you had to go home in an old bin liner. Raising your falsies out on the flag pole was a bit too much, I guess. But like I said, I was a bit too drunk.
To the rest of you, Im sorry. Setting Mrs. Betts lace panties on fire seemed a funny idea at the time, but it makes me sad to hear that her husband is getting a divorce because of what I did. Now that I have apologised to all of you, and I know I will be forgiven, I've got a BIG surprise for you!! Even though I don't work here any more, I'm going to do my best to get back for the office picnic next Sunday.
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
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Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
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Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
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Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
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Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.
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Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
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Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say in an attempt to get laid.
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Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
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Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer. Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
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Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
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Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways, and avoid assimilation.
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly, and dump their old ways.
Brits: Encourage immigrants to go to Canada or America.
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Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters, and are proud of it.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet & dreary winters, and are proud of it.
Americans: Don't have to do either, and couldn't care less.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.
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Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Lorne Michaels (SNL producer), Jim Carrey, Michael O'Donohue (SNL writer), the Kids in the Hall, Dan Akroyd, and all the rest at SCTV.
Americans: Think that these people are American!
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they don't understand subtle humour.
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Brits: Are obsessed with the Queen, and royal family peccadilloes.
Americans: Are obsessed with the President, his family, and even their cat!
Canadians: Would gladly settle for Prince Charles having an affair with a Canadian girl.
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Brits: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Americans: Are justifiably proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great Americans were once Canadian.