Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked
beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively
reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent
that they would marry, he thought to himself "She'll never go for me carrying
on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly
after that they got married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since
they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late
because he had to walk. On is way home, he passed a small cafe and the
wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.
Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any
ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving
had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he
'putt-putted'. He 'putted' down one hill and 'putt-putted' up the next. By the
time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed,
"Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She
put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and
made him promise not to peek. At this point he was begginning to feel another
one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone
rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went
to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one
leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg. He had a
hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his
leg and 'rrriiiipppp!' It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled
worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the
smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt
another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This
was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table
shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an
ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of
staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting
and fanning them each time with his napkin.
When he heard the 'phone farewells' (indicating the end of his loneliness,
and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top
of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife
walked in.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner.
After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"Surprise!!"
To his shock & horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for his surprise birthday party.