A flea had oiled up his little flea legs
and his little flea arms, hadspread out his blanket, and
was proceeding to soak up the Miami sun when who should
stumble by on the beach but an old flea friend of his.
"Oscar, what happened to you?", asked the flea,
because Oscar looked terrible, wrapped up in a blanket,
his nose running, his eyes red, and his teeth chattering.
"I got a ride down here in some guy's mustache and
he came down here by motorcycle. I nearly froze my
nuts off," wheezed Oscar.
"Let me give you a tip, old pal," said the
first flea, spreading some more suntan oil on his
shoulders. "You go to the stewardess lounge at
the airport, see, and you get up on the toilet seat, and
when an Air Florida stewardess comes in to take a leak,
you hop on for a nice warm ride. Got it?"
So you can imagine the flea's surprise when, a month or
so later, while stretched out all warm and comfortable on
the beach, who should he see but Oscar - looking more
chilled and miserable than before.
"Listen," said Oscar, "I did everything
you said. I made it to the stewardess lounge and
waited till a really cute one came in, and made a perfect
landing and got so warm and cozy that I dozed right
off."
"And so?" asked the first flea.
"And so the next thing I know, I'm on this guy's
mustache again!"
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.
"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance!Well, that pig started looking better and better and pretty soon the guy rolled toward the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this and growled fiercely at the guy, until he removed his arm from the pig. They continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her and they slowly nursed her back to good health. When she was well enough they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, warm gentle breeze, perfect for romance, the four of them lying there. The guy started getting 'those' ideas again, so he leaned over toward the girl and said,
"Um..would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
A man used to go to church with his wife but always fall asleep during the sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off. As the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "....and who created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God almighty!".The minister said "That's right, that's right." and went on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began to doze off again. When the minister got to ".... and who died on the cross to save us from our sins....." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ". The minister said, "that's right, that's right" and went on with his sermon.
The man sat back down and simulated falling asleep again while watching his wife. When the minister got to " .... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second child?" the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and said, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'll break it off!"
A man goes to a train station to visit a friend in Pittsburgh. He gets to the ticket window where the agent is a busty woman, and stammers "I want a picket to titsburg, uh, uh, I mean a ticket to Pittsburgh, sorry". The agent says "don't worry, I get that all the time". Later at his friend's house, the man tells the story of his mistake. His friends says "That's called a freudian slip. It happens all the time and nobody minds. Why, just last night I was having dinner with my wife. I meant to say pass the salt, but instead it came out as you freakin bimbo you ruined my life!"
This trumpet player was on the phone with his agent. He was concerned that he didn't have a gig in a while. His agent tells him; "Listen, there aren't any gigs out there but I found you something". I got you a gig bagging lions. To which the trumpet player says, "What does that have to do with my playing. The agent then says "Look, the gig pays 100.00 for each lion that you bag, don't worry about playing". At this point the trumpet player will take anything so he hangs up and flies to Africa. Not wanting to miss any practice time he takes his trumpet with him while looking for the lions. He notices a lion coming toward him and the only thing that he could think of doing is playing his horn. He starts to play a beautiful ballad. He then notices that the lion starts to get sleepy and eventually goes to sleep. He grabs the lion, bags him and throws him in the back of his truck. He goes a little further and sees another lion. Again he plays a beautiful ballad and again the lion falls asleep. This goes on all afternoon. The trumpet player has about 99 lions in his truck when he sees another. He says "What the heck, one more won't hurt".
He starts to play his ballad and notices that the lion is not paying any attention to him so he starts to play louder. The lion starts to run toward the trumpet player. The trumpet player starts to play faster and faster but the lion keeps coming toward him. The lion jumps on the trumpet player and eats him. One of the lions on the truck turns to another lion and says "I told you that when he gets to the deaf one the gig would be over".
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE PENNY!" exclaimed the guy, the barman replied "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-Bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir, "replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as what I'm doing to his business."
Three men are waiting at the hospital for their wives to have babies. After what seems an eternity, the nurse finally walks into the waiting room and goes up to the first guy and says "Congratulations sir, you've just had twins!"
"Wow, this is great!" he exclaims, "And, what a coincidence, I work at Twin City Federal!"
A half hour later the nurse comes back into the waiting room, approaches the second guy and says "Congratulations sir, you've just had triplets!"
"Are you serious?!" he replies, "This is the greatest day of my life! Gosh, what a coincidence, I work at 3M!"
At this moment the third guys says "That's it, I'm outta here!".
The second guy asks why.
Third guy says "I work at 10,000 Auto Parts!"
When Casey stated he was getting married, his pet parrot was very upset & insisted on going on the honeymoon with the couple. "Okay, okay", his owner agreed to the bird, "You can come along, but I don't want you looking. You gotta promise that you'll look the other way when we're making love...and if you break your promise, you'll get nothing to eat!" Not wanting to be left at home, the parrot readily agreed.
Before leaving on their honeymoon, Casey & his new bride were packing their suitcases, the man, out of breath, says to his wife, "I can't get it all in honey, you'll have to sit on it." She says, "No, that won't work, I'll get on top and press down." Casey: "No that's not gonna work, why don't we both get on top?" It's then that the parrot thinks to himself, "Food or no food...this I GOTTA see!"
A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said, "here put these on." She put them on, and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she
said. "That's right!!", said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your damn attitude changes!"
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog.
Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.
At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!"
There's this guy, he runs a nightclub, he needs a pianist to tinkle the ivories during the dinner shift. He finally finds a someone, and on this guys first night he comes in, and plays a beautiful composition. The manager comes up to him and says "That was beautiful, what do you call it?" The piantist replies "its called I love you so much I could shit." The manager says, "uh... OK, play another". The pianist plays another beautiful piece, and the manager again asks what it was called. "That one's called muscle of love baby." says the pianist, who then takes a bathroom break. When he comes out, he's forgotton to close his zipper. The manager walks up and says "do you know your fly is open and your penis is hanging out?" The pianist grins and says "know it, I wrote it!!"
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each on in turn.
When he finished them, he comes back into to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in American, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. I've just quit drinking!"
A mother and her son were flying "Southwest Airlines" from Kansas to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and said, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant asked, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
He said that his mother had.
So the flight attendant said, "Tell your mother that
Southwest always pulls out on time."
So the Pope arrives at New York's Kennedy Airport, fully attired in his
Pope regalia. He gets into a limo and laments to his driver that the biggest drawback of being Pope is that he has trouble doing fun things.
Pope: You know, I haven't driven a car in 15 years. You think that maybe I could drive this limo around town a bit?
Driver: I could get fired for doing this.
Pope: Just 15 minutes.
So the Pope gets behind the wheel and dons the chauffeur's hat. Five minutes later a police car pulls him aside for reckless driving. The cop immediately begins writing a ticket and then freezes as soon as he recognizes the driver.The cop returns to his car to call his captain.
Cop: I gotta big problem. I started writing this ticket and then I discover I'm ticketing a very important, I mean very important, person.
Capt: So who is this very important person, you gotta call me at 2 a.m.?
Who is it, Mayor Guiliani?
Cop: No much more important.
Capt: So who is it? Mario Cuomo or Bill Clinton?
Cop: No much bigger.
Capt: So who, Frank Sinatra, Pavorati, who??
Cop: Captain, I dunno who da hell this guy is. But I tell ya this, this guy is so BIG, he has the freakin' Pope drivin' for him!!!!