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Know what the definition of a perfect 10
is?
A 4 with a 6 pack . . .
What is the difference between a bad golfer
and a bad skydiver?
One goes: (whack) SHIT! The other goes: SHIT! (whack)
Monday, I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse starts bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup.
When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness...............
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............the Walmart manager came and unplugged it.
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle.
Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane. starts moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the Captain: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!
An old farmer decides that it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an O.K. job but he was getting on in years, and the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he buys a young cock from the local rooster emporium, and turns him loose in the barn yard. Well, the old rooster sees the young one strutting around and he gets a little worried.
"So they're trying to replace me," thinks the old rooster, "I've got to do something about this. He walks up to the new bird and says, "So you are the new stud in town?, I bet you really think you are hot stuff, don't you ? Well I'm not ready for the chopping block yet.I'll bet I'm still the better bird, and to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house. We'll run around it 10 times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hensfor himself."
Well, the young rooster was a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy.
"You're on," said the young rooster, "and since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap, I'll still win easy."
So the two roosters go over the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathered around to watch. The race begins and the hens start cheering the roosters on. After the first lap, the old rooster is still maintaining his lead. after the second lap, the old guy's lead has slipped a little but he is still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continues to slip each time around, by the fifth lap he's just barely in front of the young rooster.
By now the farmer has heard the commotion, he runs into the house, gets his shotgun and runs to the barn yard figuring a fox or something is after his chickens. When he gets there, he sees the young roosters chasing after the old rooster. He immediately takes his shotgun, aims, fires, and blows the young rooster away.
As he walks away slowly, he says to himself..."Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month."
Points to Ponder, by Seinfeld
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a
police officer. The following exchange takes place....
The man says "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80.
*Man gives his wife a dirty look.*
Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail
light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.
*Man gives his wife a dirty look.*
Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your
seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk
to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
The Female Stages of Life
Age and Drink
17: Wine Coolers
25: White wine
35: Red wine
48: Dom Perignon
66: Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
Excuses for refusing dates
17: Need to wash my hair
25: Need to wash and condition my hair
35: Need to color my hair
48: Need to have Francois color my hair
66: Need to have Francois color my wig
Favorite Sport
17 shopping
25: shopping
35: shopping
48: shopping
66: shopping
Definiton of a successful
date
17: "Burger King"
25: "Free meal"
35: "A diamond"
48: "A bigger diamond"
66: "Home Alone"
Favorite fantasy
17: tall, dark and handsome
25: tall, dark and handsome with money
35: tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48: a man with hair
66: a man
House Pet
17: Muffy the cat
25: Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35: Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48: Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66: Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
What's the ideal age to get
married?
17: 17
25: 25
35: 35
48: 48
66: 66
Ideal Date
17: He offers to pay
25: He pays
35: He cooks breakfast the next morning
48: He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66: He can chew breakfast
The Male Stages of Life
Age and Drink
17: beer
25: vodka
35: scotch
48: double scotch
66: Maalox
Seduction Line
17: My parents are away for the weekend.
25: My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35: My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48: My wife is away for the weekend.
66: My second wife is dead.
FAVORITE SPORT
17: sex
25: sex
35: sex
48: sex
66: napping
Definition of a successful date
17: "tongue"
25: "breakfast"
35: "She didn't set back my therapy."
48: "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66: "Got home alive."
Favorite Fantasy
17: getting to third
25: airplane sex
35: menage a trois
48: taking the company public
66: Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
House Pet
17: roaches
25: stoned-out college roommate
35: Irish setter
48: children from his first marriage
66: Barbi
What's the ideal age to get
married?
17: 25
25: 35
35: 48
48: 66
66: 17
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture -- of handcuffs.
THE WORST HIJACKING
We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most
unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose
from his seat, drew a gun and took the stewardess hostage. "Take me
to Detroit, he demanded. "We're already going to Detroit," she
replied. "Oh... good," he said, and sat down again.
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but Ph balanced for a
woman.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey-- you never know.
California Lotto
Condoms: Who's next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
CocaCola Condoms: Always a Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
Campbell Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.
General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!
AT&T condom: "Reach out and touch someone."
Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.
Energizer condoms: It keeps going and going and going....
M&M condom: "It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!"
Taco Bell condoms: get some; make a run for the border
MCI condoms: for friends and family
Double Mint condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
Delta Airlines travel pack:
Delta's ready when you are
The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
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