1. Any fake phone number a girl gave you would
automatically forward your call to her real
number.
2. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an
acceptable Response To "I love you."
3. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?"
cards.
4. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during
the game , she'd appear in a little box
in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
5. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass
and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next
time" would pretty much do it.
6. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
7. You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names of
people you'd worked for, like
"Heywood J'Blowme."
8. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of
the NFL Team of your choice.
9. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
10. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night"
would be an acceptable excuse for
tardiness.
11. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and
you'd jump out your window and slide
down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car
like Fred Flintstone.
12. It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends,
put on horned helmets, and go pillage a
nearby town.
13. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for
violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
14. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
15. Garbage would take itself out.
16. Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
17. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could
present your wife-to-be with a giant foam
hand that said, "You're #1!"
18. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it
would only occur in leap years. On
Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day
off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same.
But it would be celebrated every
month.
19. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in
advice to the pursuing Cops. Or to the
crooks.
20. Two words: Ally McNaked.
21. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer
and pushed off the Golden Gate
Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world
history.
22. The victors in any athletic competition would get to
kill and eat the Losers.
23. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be
Monday Night Football from a
Different Camera Angle.
24. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as
long as you returned it the following day
with a full tank of gas.
25. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free
cards per year.
26. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart aleck answer
you responded with would actually
reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were
going?" You: "All I know is, I was
spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one.
That's $10 off."
27. Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
28. The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40 foot
thong.
29. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
30. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
31. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds
of conversation.
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