From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked
to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack
Handey."
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I
don't have any clean laundry because, come
on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?
--Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the
things I cannot, and a great big bag of
money.
--Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they do for the queen's. Of course, then we
would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or
December 26, just for the long weekends.
--Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just
any old yokel vote.
--Age 10
Home is where the house is.
--Age 6
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
--Age 13
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
people think he should be. Then, I remember
it's because he sucks.
--Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
the astronauts found that the moon is
really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it
out.
--Age 6
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms
eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of
us go to hell and burn eternally-- but I didn't
want to upset him.
--Age 10
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at
which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed.
Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the
national debate over one's right to die and
wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live
in the country that has come the closest to
Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that
we have found many more than four basic
elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches
and strike one. They gasp with wonder.
We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.
--Age 15
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have
lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.
--Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just
a lawn mower.
--Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that
the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is
the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake
gets drier, the population gets more
desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big
fire and everyone died.
--Age 13
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I
already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense
of humor.
--Age 14
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few
minutes each day. At the end of the year,
you'll have a couple of days saved up.
--Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That
is, I used to, until she got an unlisted
number.
--Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
No, wait. That would be good because if
anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.
--Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you
had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five
more than the biggest number you could come up with!
--Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited
my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in
fact, I was speeding?"
--Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet.
So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like
he really needed them, right?
--Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and
quiet it would be until the looting started.
--Age 15
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