"The Photographer"

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire.  Smoke at the scene hampered him and he asked his home office to hire a plane.  Arrangements were made and he was told to go at once to a nearby airport where the plane would be waiting. When he arrived at the airport, the plane was warming up near the runway.  He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!"  The pilot swung the plane into the wind and they soon were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," yelled the photographer, "and make three of four low level passes."  "Why?" asked the pilot.  "Because I'm going to take pictures!" After a pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

"Sea Battle"

One night at sea, the ship's captain saw what looked like the lights of another ship heading toward him. He had his signalman blink to the other ship: "Change your course 10 degrees south."

The reply came back: "Change your course 10 degrees north."

The ship's captain answered: "I am a captain. Change your course south," to which the reply was: "Well, I am a seaman first class. Change your course north."

This infuriated the captain, so he signaled back: "I say change your course south. I am on a battleship!"

To which the reply came back: "And I say change you course north. I'm in a lighthouse!"

"Curious Indian Boy"

Small Indian boy was standing with all the men of the tribe, outside his parents' teepee as his mother is delivering his baby sibling inside. Looking up to his Grandfather he asks, "Grandfather, is it true, that as the Chief of our people, you name all the newborn children?" "Yes, this is true," he replied, "When your older brother was born, I went into the forest to get a sign from the spirits. And I saw an eagle flying about, so I named him 'Soaring Eagle'. When your older sister was born, I again went into the forest to get a sign from the spirits, and I heard a beautiful bird singing amongst the trees, so I named her 'Singing Bird'. And when your other brother was born, I once again went into the forest to get a sign from the spirits, and I saw a deer sprinting into the deep of the woods, so I named him 'Running Deer'. But this is a very mature question from such a small boy. Why do you ask such a question Pooping Dog?"

"1 Moose"

Two Agriculturists decide to take a trip to hunt Moose, so they get ready to leave to hunt the Moose. In order for them to get where they're going, they have to take a large plane to Toronto and then a small plane to Henninglands. They call the airport to make sure plane is ready. They go to Toronto and start to board the small plane when the agent tells them that the small plane can only hold 1 pilot, 2 hunters and 1 Moose. They say, "Yeah yeah, we know, we did this last year." So they board the plane and the pilot tells them that they can only have 1 pilot, 2 hunters and 1 Moose and they say, "yeah, yeah, we know, we did this last year, but last year Jacgue De Jeviens was our pilot and he took 2 Moose." The pilot said, "Well, I am a much better pilot than him, so I'll just do the same. They get the 2 Moose and stuff them in the plane, with barely enough room for the hunters. At the end of the runway there was a small lake, so the pilot backed up as far as he could, so he would miss the lake. He opened the throttle wide up and proceeded down the runway. As he became so close to the lake he pulled back on the rudder as far as it would go, but the plane crashed right into the water. The first hunter came up, then the second came up. The second hunter looked over at the first and said, "Where are we?" The first replied, "About 100 yards further than last year."

"The Blonde and the Brooklyn Bridge"

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!" Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend." The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet". So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money". The blonde replied, "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Elevator Ride

A blonde & brunette are in an elevator. On the third floor a man gets in who looks perfect -- 3-piece suit, great build, nice butt. The bad part is they both noticed he had dandruff. The man got off on the 5th floor. Once the doors closed, the brunette turned to the blonde and said, "Someone should give him Head & Shoulders." To which the blonde replied, "How do you give Shoulders?"

"Green Side Up"

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, "I think I would like this room in a cream color." The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. "In this room, I was thinking of an off blue." Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, "Green side up!" This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color. And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, "Green side up!" Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, "Why do you keep yelling 'Green side up' out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?" The contractor replied, "Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

"The Race"

There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

"City Talk"

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?" The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?"