While there may have been significant progress with my journey to self-improvement I am concerned that I’m placing too much focus on others. My voyage needs to be taken alone or its importance will pale and shrivel becoming less then nothing. If I depend upon others to help me learn about myself, am I truly learning? I have found strength in friendships. I have found help and support, kindness and love. I have been offered guidance and I have found comfort but that is all. There can only ever be one place to find the answers, there can only be one person to depend upon and turn to and that person is myself. I can’t delude myself into thinking the presence of another person in my life, no matter how comforting will ever solve my problems or magically offer up all the answers. At the end of the day, life is only what we make of it.
I do not believe in being a product of your environment. You control who and what you are and must never forget that. Don’t ever let go of who you are inside, your individuality that radiates from the depths of your soul.
You can always have choices if you do not blind yourself to them. There is so much of the world that goes unnoticed. There is always so much sadness but that is something that can be helped.
In my opinion, which of course is all I can give, I think that if each person just stopped and looked around them, just reached out a little, there could be so much less sadness in the world.
Agreed, I probably have no business saying any of this. Who am I after all? No one of any significance I can assure you. I spent so many years of my life hurting others, shutting them out, pushing them away. I possessed a temper way too short, I showed lack of judgment in most things, I procrastinated and overall, I became totally self-absorbed.
My mistakes, my flaws, my faults are too many to mention. Trust me, they are all there. I have fewer answers then most probably. I’m not writing this to offer you the answers only to make a few suggestions.
Looking deeper within oneself is a difficult task. I personally disliked a lot of what I saw there. Some of it was of my own making, some of it was the product of my surroundings. I finally learned that I had to take responsibility for myself though.
Everyone gets sad, and everyone gets lonely. It happens, but what matters is how we react to it. Everyone who loves in their lifetime will know heartbreak. All the emotions that we want to push away, the things we wished we never felt are the ones we need to make us human.
Never regret the losses, never let go or forget. Embrace the sorrows along with the joys because they matter. If life were always good, if it came too easily, it would go unnoticed and unappreciated. You need to let the bad things touch you so that when the good things come along, you’ll be able to see them. What matters is how you deal with them. I spent so long making the same mistakes. I walked around consumed by grief and anger. These types of things only make you hurt those who love you. I alienated everyone in my life.
I’m in the "Oh, do I have apologies to make" stage of my life now. I’m lucky, I have the chance to make amends with those I love. I’m still trying to face certain things that I find difficult though. I hate to admit this but I’m a terrible coward. I run from things that I know I should face head-on. I’m allowing there to be additional regrets in my life by not learning form past mistakes.
I am not capable of accepting the loss of life. I’m very bad at it I’m afraid. I don’t mourn the dead I don’t believe it. I think that there must be something infinitely better beyond this world and to mourn someone’s death is a selfish thing because what you are doing is wishing to hold them back for yourself. I think its okay to miss them when they go but you have to believe that you will see them again someday. There goes that unyielding faith I have. Faith to me in simplest terms is believing in something just because your heart tells you to when everything else says you shouldn’t.
Well, its an interesting way to handle death I think, my problem isn’t handling it when someone actually dies, my problem is facing things before they die. I’m the ignore it and maybe it will go away type. I have such a hard time being around people that I know I’m going to lose. I never know how to talk to them or what I’m supposed to do when I get there.
I know I’m supposed to just be there, to remind them they are loved and that they matter. I’m supposed to maybe make the person laugh or smile, make them forget their illness for a short time. I want to do these small things, I want to offer comfort but I feel like I can’t breathe. It's so awful. I want to be there, I really do but I panic. Something deep inside me has so much trouble with this. I get scared and I run. Eventually what happens is that I make everyone else angry with me. People think I don’t care. They think I can’t be bothered. I wish I knew how to be different about this kind of thing but I don’t.
I’ve distanced myself from loved ones on many occasions. I guess the basic truth is that I’m afraid. I can’t explain exactly what I’m afraid of but I become a frightened little girl and all I want to do is run and hide. I become so terrified when confronted by these issues that I run and I run fast. I very quickly and neatly cut myself off from everyone.
I’m doing it right now. I’m digging myself in deeper and deeper with each passing day and I may very well reach a point in my life where it's too late for me to turn back. Ten years ago I lost my grandfather. Grand-pa always told me how special I was. He called me his cherub, his little cherub. Could you imagine anyone thinking me an angel? I think I hated it as much as I loved it.
I loved that he thought me good and special although I was a self-absorbed child who was too busy to find much time to spend with him in his last months. I would speak with him on the phone but couldn’t bring myself to go visit him. He was only twenty minutes away and I hardly ever went. I wanted to go and yet couldn’t bring myself to do so.
About a week or two before my wedding his health had gone from bad to worse. He called me to tell me he wouldn’t be there to see me get married. Instead he sent a card for me with my mother. I cried when I realized he wouldn’t be there although I never told anyone. On the outside I just looked really busy taking care of last minute details but it filled me with sadness. I was only 21 at the time. I had no idea what I was doing. At the time my family and I were just beginning to mend some fences and I felt like I couldn’t ask for help. I kept thinking that nothing would have made me happier then running off to my grandfather’s house in between the church and the reception so I could take a picture or two with him. I wanted him to see me looking all grown up in all that white satin and lace.
I wanted so much to do this small thing for both our sakes. I know it would have been a very precious moment in my life and yet, I said nothing. I never told my family about this although I eventually told my husband. My wedding was a series of comical errors born from ignorance, which were mostly my fault. No one else noticed the things that went wrong that day, only I did. In the end, I never said a word but it's a regret I’ll carry around for the rest of my life. He died about a month later.
Over the years I’ve dreamed of my grandfather whom I believe has forgiven me for my youthful stupidity. I think he knew how much I loved him even though I didn’t show it as much as I should have. In my dreams he’s always so happy to see me and he tells me he’s watching over me. Those are the days that I wake up feeling like everything will be fine no matter how bad things get.
Now, after living with this kind of regret and sorrow you would imagine that I would never let that happen again wouldn’t you? Guess again! I’m doing it again right now. My stepfather has been seriously ill for the past year and a half. In the beginning of his illness I was there. I was at the hospital just about every day. I spent more hours there than I did at the office. I was lucky enough to have a boss who excused me for family emergencies.
At the time of his illness my sister became pregnant with her second child. Like her first pregnancy there were complications and she wound up bedridden for almost the entire time. I started out with all good intentions. I wanted to help. I cooked some meals, did some food shopping, ran some errands. I would go over to her house and just spend time keeping her company. The holidays came and went and I spent most of my time off over there just hanging around the house.
My stepfather had come home from the hospital, which we viewed as a miracle at the time but the tension of everyone in the family was very high. We were all feeling the strain of the situation but instead of sticking by my family when they needed me most I found ways to not be around them. I always had an excuse. Honestly, there were times when I was extremely busy but there were also times that I could have been there.
Again, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to or chose not to, it was more a matter of not knowing how to. I didn’t know how to accept what was happening. I didn’t know how to fix anything. As time passed it became worse and worse and then I really didn’t know what to do. Eventually, because my own fears and doubts consumed me they decided to cut their losses.
For them, enough was enough, they were done with me. I can’t say that I blame them. I’ve spent my life feeling everything I do is basically wrong anyway. I think for a change, I’m probably right for thinking it.
Well, eventually, my stepfather improved enough for him to go back home. My sister eventually gave birth to the most perfect and beautiful baby boy I ever laid eyes on. So, you’re thinking that everything worked out splendidly right? Well, not for me, at least not for a very long time.
For several months my family barely spoke to me. My marriage was completely in tatters and I was practically living out of a suitcase for my job. In the middle of this personal nightmare, being the genius that I am, I decide to accept a new position. There I am, terrified, no idea what I’m doing and never traveled before. I was a wealth of confidence by now if you can imagine. I was away about two weeks per month. I was doing so many things that I was afraid of. I think it was what I needed to discover myself. If you’ve read anything else I’ve written you already know about my selfish and detached nature. I only push people away when I’m scared but still; it causes people to think my character is less than admirable. Okay, I’m being really kind to myself but I’m the one telling the story so you’ll have to take what you get.
Eventually, I began to repair some of the damage I had caused but there has not been enough time for me to do it. I’m still just learning to deal with what’s happening in my life. I’m struggling to keep myself afloat but no one realizes it. The expectations that I will just do what’s right or what’s expected are so over whelming that I’m turning and running once more. I always feel like there are such high expectations on me that I could never succeed. I’m not saying they actually want all that much to me but I constantly feel like I’m fighting for my own identity. I’m always waiting for the next time I make a mistake when it will be thrown in my face. I feel like I’m suffocating but no one notices.
My stepfather is seriously ill again. I have not called there in several weeks. Each day comes and goes and I say to myself that I must call. Each day comes and goes and I do nothing. Rather then pick up the phone I sit there staring at it, thinking about it. Consumed by guilt, afraid of what they will say to me when I finally do call. I know I’m only making matters worse and yet I still do nothing.
They always think it's out of lack of caring. They assume that I can’t be bothered and never give anything a second thought. They don’t know that I lie awake night after night fighting the guilt and still too afraid to confront the situation.
In some ways I think that I have always been a coward but in others I have shown extraordinary courage. The fact that I wake up and get out of bed to face my life each and everyday shows that I possess some courage. There are days when I don’t want to, when I wish I didn’t have to but I always do.
There are many lessons to be learned here. For starters, if you think there is someone in your life that you might lose, stop and tell them you love them. If there is someone you would never imagine you could lose, tell them too! Life is a short uncertain thing for all of us and in being so fragile should never be taken for granted. Never let your fears consume you. Never ever lose sight of the things that really matter. We are only what we make of ourselves.
I am desperately trying to learn and improve each and every day. Writing these stories about myself, admitting to my mistakes and flaws (of which there are many) sometimes helps me on my journey of discovery. Tomorrow I take another tiny step by facing my family yet again after letting them down. It is never an intentional thing that I do. It is more a matter of shutting myself down when life gets too scary.
For what its worth, if anything, I have a very deep capacity for love, only I don’t know how to give it as freely as needed. In life, everyone is faced with difficulties and we all measure up in our own ways. I don’t know what caused me to become so lost in it all but I hope that before my journey ends I will find my way back home. It is a long and difficult path I have chosen for myself and all I can hope for is that the people I love will be there in the end.
If anyone can learn anything from my mistakes than it was worth bearing my soul. If by some chance you can see yourself taking life and love for granted please, I urge you, do something about it now before its too late. If you can fix your mistakes then do it. Don’t put it off, don’t wait, you may never get another chance. There are many, like myself that wake up some mornings and dread looking into a mirror but even the smallest effort to mend the hurts we cause can make all the difference. There can also be so much good in each of us if we only learn to share more of ourselves.