Abstract

By:  Elizabeth Dunn

Disclaimer:  They don't belong to me.  No money is being made.  End of story.

Author's notes: This is the fourth in a series of stories that is rapidly becoming a major part of my life, 'Sketches,' 'Points of Perspective,' and 'Color Wheel,' so you might want to read those first so you know what is going on.  Any mistakes are unintentional and solely my own.  Also, I should warn you that there's quite a bit of angst here.  I know, odd after they've gotten together, but all will be made clear.  :)

**********

Dan woke up with the slight sense of disorientation that comes with waking up in a strange place, as well as a pounding headache.   The warm body next to him brought pieces of it back.  He remembered going out with the Sports Night crew, drinking, and then...nothing.  He couldn't remember how he got to bed.  /Damn, / he thought, /long time since that's happened. /  He opened his eyes reluctantly, and saw Casey next to him, back to Dan.  Dan sighed in relief and snuggled closer to his friend, lover now.  Amazingly, Casey moved away from him.  /Must be dreaming, or subconsciously thinking I'm Lisa. /   Dan moved to a more surefire way of waking Casey up: kissing him.  He leaned over Casey's shoulder and started nuzzling his neck.  This did bring him out of sleep, but Casey just looked at Dan and rolled out of bed, heading to the bathroom.  He came back in a minute with water, aspirin, and Dan's clothes; the former placed on the nightstand, the latter dropped next to Dan on the bed.  Casey looked at Dan once again and left the room.

Dan stared uncomprehendingly at the clothing next to him.  Deciding to just go with it for the moment, he took the pills and got dressed.  Dan wandered into the living room where he saw Casey curled up on the floor next to his window, head resting on his knees.  At the sound of Dan approaching, without lifting his head, he said, "I've called a cab for you.  It'll be here soon."

"Why did you call a cab?"

"So you can go home."

"Case?  Is something wrong?"

Casey finally looked at Dan.  He noticed the tears in Casey's eyes, and he knew that, whatever it was, was serious.  /Shit! / 

"Yes, something's wrong."

Dan knelt next to Casey.  He reached out to put his hand on Casey's shoulder, but dropped it when Casey flinched away.  "Talk to me.  What's wrong?"

"I didn't realize you were like that."

"Like what?"

"Like someone who could easily trample someone's heart."  Casey's tone never changed, his voice never wavered.  He sounded...resigned.

"What do you mean?"

"Don't you know?"

"No!  Case, tell me.  I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm sure, whatever I did."

"Oh no?"  Now Casey's voice did change, became frosty with rage.  "I think that you did.  You wanted to know what you did?  I'll tell you.  We were out, having a good time, when you spotted some goddess of a woman.  We joked about approaching her, and then you decided to, for kicks.  I wasn't too worried at first.  Until she decided you were her type and latched herself onto you.  You didn't even fight her off.  You liked it.  The two of you started to leave together, when Jeremy chased you, to stop you.  Dana and I went out, too.   Jeremy asked you not to go, that you were hurting me.  You want to know what you said?"  Dan shook his head, but Casey kept on.  "You declared, quite loudly, 'Who cares what Casey thinks?  Not like I really love him.  Just an easy fuck, but I don't need that now.'  She left, disgusted, then I left.  I couldn't stand being near you, or anyone else."

"Wait.  How'd I get here?"

"Dana.  She thought we needed to talk.  Like I want to do that.  You said all you needed to last night.  And now I want you gone."

"Case, I'm sorry.  I was obviously very drunk.  That doesn't excuse it-"

"You weren't all that drunk yet.  Just mildly so.  Not even drunk for you.  According to Dana, the serious drinking started after I left."

"Case..." 

Casey looked out the window.  "Go, Dan.  Just go.  I can't talk to you now-can barely stand the sight of you."

"Will we be able to talk?  Later?"

Casey sighed.  "Maybe.  Maybe not.  All I know is that I'm feeling very hurt and bruised and broken.  You make it worse.  Please, just go."  Casey finally broke down; sobbing and whispering, "Go," over and over again.  Dan stood his ground.  He wasn't sure what exactly happened, but he knew one thing: he had to make it better.

Dan sat on the floor next to Casey and put his arms around him, despite Casey's trying to move away.  "No, you're not getting away," he said, rocking Casey's unresponsive body.  "We're going to talk and I'm going to convince you of how much I love you."

Casey stiffened and said, "Do you expect me to believe that now?  You stated quire clearly to two of our coworkers, and friends, that you have no real feelings for me, and now you say that you love me?"  He laughed, a bitter sound for something usually associated with joy.  "Excuse me if I find that a bit hard to swallow."

Danny leaned his cheek against Casey's shoulder, starting to cry himself.  "Damn, I wish I remembered what I did.  No, scratch that, I wish that nothing had happened.  But something did happen.  Something that made you doubt my love for you.  And I want to fix that.  I don't care what I have to do, I will show you how much I love you."

Casey looked Dan in the eyes for the first time that morning.  "You don't get it do you?"

"Get what?"

"This isn't about love anymore."

"You don't love me?"  /Say it isn't so, say I haven't fucked up the most important and best thing to ever happen to me. /

"No, I still love you.  Probably foolish of me, but even when you had said that you didn't love me, I couldn't stop loving you.  I tried for most of the night, I didn't want you to have that power over me, but it was no use.  You know, I haven't felt this way since Lisa and I split, and that wasn't even as bad as I feel right now."

"If you still love me, then what's the problem?"

"Trust.  I don't know if I can trust you.  Not now.  Even if you weren't aware of what you were doing, as you say, you destroyed something.  It will take me awhile to rebuild that, or even decide if you're worth taking a risk on again."

"God, Case, I hurt you that bad?  That you see me as a 'risk' now?"

"You have no idea."  Casey sat in silence for a few minutes, then turned back to Dan, a sad smile on his face.  "I need some space, okay?  I need to think, to decide."  He laughed again, sounding more bitter than before.  "Not like I don't know what will happen next, but something might change.  I just need the space to find that myself."

Dan looked at Casey, trying to convey all of his love into one look.  "You need time, you have all the time you want.  I know what I feel, and I know how you feel.  I can wait for you.  I've waited for you forever, it seems.  If a few days is all you need, I can give that."  He bent and kissed Casey gently, and then stood to leave.  "I fucked up, I know I did.  Believe me when I say that I'll be content spending the rest of my life making it up to you."  He left the apartment, knowing that he left his heart behind.  With Casey.  His only hope in the world was that he would have another chance with Casey.

**********

That was Saturday, when Dan actually had a hope that things would return to normal by Monday.  On Monday, it became clear quite quickly that everything had changed.  Jeremy, and presumably Natalie, seeing as Jeremy told her everything, had spread the story of Friday night to the whole office, so everyone was either outright avoiding him, or just giving him looks, looks that said, "What the hell were you thinking?"  Casey was avoiding him for anything that didn't directly involve their job, and Dana was trying hard to stay out of it, but the way she kept glancing at him told Dan that she was disappointed in him.  By the six PM rundown, Dan was ready to scream.

After the rundown, where tension seemed to be the main point of the meeting, Dan trailed Casey back to their office and shut the door behind him.  Casey turned to face him, resignation in his eyes.  He sighed and said, "Yeah, I guess we do have to talk."

"Damn right we do."

"Danny, I had wanted to wait until after work."

"I don't know about you, but I for one won't be able to focus on anything else until we at least partially resolve this."

"I know.  You're right."

"Do you know the whole office has been treating me like shit?"

"I really haven't been paying attention."

"You know how that made me feel?"

"How?"

"Like they had decided I wasn't worthy of you."

"I'm sorry."

"No, I am."

"What?"

"I'm the one who's sorry.  I'm sorry that their attitudes have been totally justifiable.  I don't deserve you."

"Danny - "

"I don't deserve you, but I can't seem to stop wanting you."

"Danny, I want you too."

"I'm yours.  I hope you know that."

Casey's face became more guarded.  "I thought I did."

"Case, why are you having such a hard time believing me?"

"It's not that I don't believe you in my head, but my heart is urging caution.  It wants to believe you, but it knows that kind of hurt well.  Old wounds have been reopened and carved deeper."

"What can I do to convince you?"

"I don't know."

"Do you need more time?"

"Yes and no."

"Which one?"

"I do need more time, but not from you.  From myself."

"From yourself."

"Yes.  I need to convince myself that it's safe to love and trust you."

"I'll be there for you, Case."

"That's all I want."  Casey went over to Dan and put his arms around him, pulling him close.  Dan returned the hug, snuggling deeper into the embrace.  Finally, he had to pull away.  Casey looked at him, waiting for an explanation.

"This is not the time or place to be doing this."

"How so, Danny?"

"Because it will make me want more, and not only do I think you're not ready to give that, I don't feel like advertising around here."

Casey laughed.  "You're right.  I'm not ready.  Now, anyway."

"You mean...?"

"Come home with me after the show, and we'll see what happens.  Could be we'll only talk.  Could be quite a bit more...." Casey gave Dan a seductive smile.

Dan shivered.  "Case, if you don't stop that, I'll take you here and now."

"All right.  I have to go to editing.  I'll see you later?"

"Count on it, Case."

**********

Casey unlocked the door to his apartment and stood aside to let Dan in before he went in himself.  He took a minute to relock the door, cursing the fact that living in New York City meant you always had to lock yourself in.  He wandered into the living room, where Dan had already gone, and took a moment to admire Dan's long frame slumped on his sofa.  Shaking himself, he went over to his liquor cabinet.  "Drink, Danny?"

"What do you have?"

"Scotch, gin, vodka."

"Gin."

Casey poured the drinks and went to sit next to Dan.  "Should we toast anything?"

"Yeah, ourselves."  Dan slammed back the drink and got up to get himself another.

"Danny, please don't get drunk."

"Why-Oh.  Oh, I understand.  Sure."  Dan put down the drink and went back to Casey.  "So, you want to talk now?"

"I think I do."

"I can't read your mind, Case.  I need you to tell me."

"I've been thinking.  All day, in fact.  And I know what I have to do."

"What's that?"  Dan did his best to hide the fear in his voice, but he couldn't keep it from shaking a little.

"This."  Casey moved closer to Dan, pulled him close, and kissed him.  It started out as a small kiss, just lips resting against lips, but it very quickly became a deep, bone-melting kiss.  They separated to breathe, and Dan grinned at Casey, feeling good for the first time in a few days, since he had gone and screwed up their relationship. 

"So, is it true what I've heard about make-up sex being really great?"

"I wouldn't know."

"Casey?  Haven't you ever...?  I mean with Lisa, or...."

"No.  Lisa and I never had make-up sex per se; it was more of we just wanted to have it for no real reason.  Like we were trying to stay close.  And Sally and I only had sex, we never fought.  So I have no idea how good make-up sex is."

Danny pulled Casey in close again.  "I have a feeling we're about to find out," he whispered in Casey's ear, then kissed him again.  Casey pulled back, gasping.

"Either we go the bedroom now or we do it on the floor.  Your choice."

"Bedroom."  Casey was up and gone almost before Dan finished the word, and Dan went after him, laughing.  "Enthusiastic, aren't we?"

"Casey pulled him down onto the bed.  "I haven't held you in almost three days," he said between kisses.  "I need to feel you, to know this is real, that it's you and it's not a dream."

Dan slipped off Casey's shirt and paused to just admire his pale skin.  "It's not a dream, Case," he murmured.  "It's real, I'm here, and I'm not leaving you.  Ever."  He bent forward and took Casey's nipple in his mouth, enjoying the slight gasp that came from the other man.  "Like that," he teased, before returning his attention to Casey's chest again.  He took his time, want to convey to Casey with every kiss, touch, and caress, that he loved him.   As he removed Casey's clothing, his hands and lips paid homage to each new exposed area.  Soon, Casey was shaking with need and desire, begging without words to be loved.  Dan pulled back to look Casey in the face.  "What do you want, Case?" he asked, hoarse with want.  "Tell me."

Casey looked at him and, with love and trust openly shining in his eyes, whispered, "I need you.  Make love to me."

"You sure?"

"*Please*."

"Your wish is my command."  Casey handed Dan a tube of lubricant that he had obviously purchased with this activity in mind.  Grinning, Dan carefully prepared Casey for him, then eased himself into him.  Slowly at first, but gaining more speed and power, Dan thrust into Casey, building their desire to a fever pitch before allowing either of them to find release.  Dan collapsed onto Casey, spent, then gathered up enough energy to roll to one side.  He gathered Casey into his arms, and whispered, "I love you, you know.  I love you more than I've ever loved anyone.  You never have to fear losing me."

Casey looked him in the eye.  "But I do," he said, his seriousness evident in his tone and in his eyes.  "I wonder why you love me, why you chose me when you can have your choice of beautiful women, or men even, if you wanted them.  I'm afraid of you waking up one day and realizing this and leaving.  I want your love so much, and I love you so much, I'm afraid of it.  I don't want to get too close if I have to constantly worry about someone walking off with you the minute my back is turned."

"Oh, Case."  Dan sighed, realizing what his drunken actions had done, wondering how to fix them.  "I know my word isn't worth much right now, but I will never leave you, unless you want me to leave.  You mean that much to me.  Even when we were just friends, I felt this way, and now, it's more powerful."

"That's the problem.  I don't want you to leave.  Not ever."  Casey began to cry silently, nothing demonstrative, just tears running down his face.  "Shit, Danny, I don't know if I can handle this."

"Shhhh.  We don't have to decide it all tonight."  HE began to stroke Casey's back soothingly.  "Right now, we'll just go to sleep.  I'll still be here in the morning.  We'll just have to take this one day at a time."  He glanced at Casey and saw that the man had fallen asleep.  He pulled up the covers and settled in next to him.  One day at a time.  He'd spend every day of his worthless life making Casey see how much he meant to him if necessary.

**********

The next day at work, the atmosphere was still very hostile, and it grated at Dan's nerves, as he knew it was directed at him.  He did his best to ignore it until, right before the three PM rundown, Casey looked at him from across their office and said, "I didn't realize they were treating you so bad."

"No worse than I deserve."

"No one deserves this, and especially not you, Danny."

"I have a strong feeling that the majority of people in this office have a different opinion."

"It's not right for them to treat you like this."

"It wasn't right to treat you the way I did.  I ought to be grateful that Natalie is letting me remain clothed."

"This should stop."

"Should.  But won't.  We have a rundown.  Let's go."  They left the office, Casey still lost in thought.

They were the last ones in the conference room.  Dana gave Casey her usual 'Where the hell were you?' look, and gave Dan a glare that could've iced over the sun.  This didn't escape Casey's attention.  He remained standing and said, "I have an announcement to make."

Dana glanced at him.  "Does this have anything to do with our jobs?"

"Actually, yes."

"Go ahead.  Just make it quick."

Casey cleared his throat and looked at everyone in the room.  "I would like to say that, as of this moment, all hostile treatment of Danny Rydell will stop.  Cease.  Permanently.  I'm sure you see this as a form of support, but I am able to handle my own life, and this should not be part of the office anyway."

Dana looked at him, eyes wide. "But Dan-"

"Made a mistake.  And yes, we fought.  Now I am saying it's over.  I'm fine.  We're fine.  Like it or not, Dan and I are together.  If you can't handle it, I can't stay here."

Dan looked shocked.  "You'd walk-for me?"

"I would."

"Case, I don't know what to say."

"Nothing would work."

Natalie reached across the table and put a hand on Dan's arm.  "I'd like to apologize," she stated firmly.  "We had no right to treat you that way." 

One by one, everyone apologized.  Even Dana.  She sighed and said, "We did have no right to treat you like shit.  I had no right to condone it.  I should've stopped it.  But I didn't.  I didn't because Casey is my friend and you had hurt him.  But if he's forgiven you, well, I guess I can do."  She sighed again, as if to put the whole thing behind her.  "Now, back to business.  We're running six minutes long now.  We have to cut."  Work resumed, life resumed.  Casey reached under the table and grabbed Dan's hand.  Dan smiled at him and squeezed it back.  As long as he had Casey, like was okay-at least, until the next crisis. 

****End****