Fear

3/

Disclaimers in part one

Back on the Defiant, Garak paced around his quarters, waiting for some word on Julian.  When they had beamed up, Julian had been alive-barely.  The medical staff had kicked everyone out of Sickbay, so now all Garak could do was wait and hope.

Dax stood outside of Garak's quarters, wavering as to whether or not she should ring the bell.  She had known for a long time that Garak was in love with Julian and she knew that Garak needed support now, but still...Garak and Julian?   Could she really approve of that?  Jadzia was wavering, but Dax the symbiont was firm in its convictions.  Finally Dax made her decision.  'It doesn't matter what I think.  What matters is that I can support them in whatever they choose.  Besides,' she thought as she pushed the chime, 'maybe Julian doesn't love him.'

"Come," came the voice from inside, and Dax entered, unsure of what she'd find.  What she saw was a very distraught Cardassian.  "Dax, welcome.  Is there any news about Ju-the doctor?"  Dax could see the hope in his eyes, and she hated to crush it.

"No, not yet."  Garak's face fell.  "Garak, look at it this way.  As long as we don't hear anything, it means that Julian is still...with us."    She looked into Garak's eyes; saw the sadness there.  "Oh, Garak," she sighed, moving to sit on the bunk next to Garak.  She put her arm around him and whispered, "Garak, I know."

"No you don't, how could you?"  Garak looked at her.  "You know the man you love is safe.  Worf is still back on the station, waiting for you.  I, on the other hand-"   Garak stopped, as if he'd realized that he'd revealed too much.  He turned his face away, not wanting to look at the Trill.

Dax touched his hand, trying to convey her sympathy.  Any doubts she had had about Garak loving Julian had disappeared at the depth of emotion she felt coming from Garak.  "You can say it, Garak.  I know you love him.  I've known it for awhile."

"You have?  Is it that plain for everyone to see?"

"No, I just happen to be very perceptive."  Dax smiled, and then said, serious again, "But does he love you?  Do you know that his feelings for your are any more than simple friendship?"

"Believe me I know.  Before we were attacked, we had just told each other how we feel.  I love him, he loves me, and...and now he might die!  He might die, all because he loved me!"

"Garak, what on Earth do you mean by that?"

"The Vorta was going to shoot me...he saw that I was 'competition,' that Julian loved me.  He had been standing across the room, away from the line of fire.  He ran across the room and...and took the blast.  He spoke, you know, before he lost consciousness.  He said he couldn't let the man he loved be hurt.  He is now between life and death because of me!"  Garak buried his face in his hands and unashamedly began to weep.

The sight was more than Dax could bear.  She wrapped her arms around Garak and began whispering soothingly to him.  "There, there.  I know it hurts, but it's not your fault.  Let me ask you this: would you have done the same thing, if he had been aiming for Julian and not you?"  Garak nodded.  "Well, then, that's it.  When people are in love they will do anything to protect their lover.  I know.  Worf and I would do the same thing for each other, and you would for him.  So don't blame yourself.  Besides, it won't help Julian."  She was about to say something else when her commbadge went off.  "Dax here."

"Dax, it's Sisko.  Julian is fine.  He's awake and the nurses say that after a few days rest, he'll be completely recovered."

"Thank God."

"Do you know where Garak is?    Julian is calling for him."

"He's with me.  I'll bring him down.  Dax out."  Dax stood up and held out her hand to a still-in-shock Garak.  "Come on," she said with a big smile.  "We've got to go visiting."  Garak took her hand and they rushed out of the room and down to Sickbay.

*********

"When can I get out of this place?"

"Now, Doctor, we just want to look over you one more time."

Julian was getting impatient.  They had arrived at DS9 an hour ago and he had been taken to the Infirmary first thing to be checked over one final time.  Now, he was itching to get out.  "Really, I'm fine.  Trust me as a doctor."

His head nurse chuckled.  "All right.  Lucky for you, the scanners agree with your expert diagnosis.  You are free to go."

"Thank you!"  Julian leapt off the biobed and practically ran out of the room.

"Doctor, slow down!"  The nurse smiled as Julian just waved a hand back at her and kept running.  "Doctors," she said with a shake of her head, and turned back to her work. 

*********

Two day later, Julian wasn't feeling so good, and it wasn't his body that giving him trouble.  It was his heart.  He hadn't seen Garak at all since they had arrived, and when he would see him in the hall, the tailor would ignore him, turning away so there wasn't any chance of an encounter.  Julian, who had been so happy that he had told Garak how he felt, and gotten his love in return, now wasn't sure of anything.  Had Garak confessed to feelings that he didn't have to humor him?  It made sense when he thought about it-there he was, fresh from a traumatic experience, spouting feelings that Garak had never had or thought having.  Of course, Garak wouldn't want to cause him more pain, so he had pretended to love him back.  And now he didn't know how to deal with it.  'Well, then, I'll have to fix it.'  Julian sat at his desk and began recording a message for the Cardassian, feeling his heart break with every word spoken.  Thankfully, the tears didn't fall until he was done, and alone.

Garak walked into his shop, thinking.  He knew that the way he had been treating Julian was wrong, but he was afraid that the human might have changed his mind and he didn't want to be hurt.  He walked over to his console, thinking to send a message to Dax, asking for her help, when he noticed his message light blinking.  Sitting, he told the computer to play the message.  His breath caught in his throat when he saw the face of his beloved Julian.

"Garak, I know how hard the past few days have been for you.  I know, because they've been hard for me too.  Perhaps the hardest I've ever spent.  I've been thinking, and I realized what's been wrong between us since we got back home.  I just want to say that I don't hold it against you.  I understand why you mislead me about your feelings for me.  You didn't want to hurt me.  For that I thank you.  I'm not ashamed, you know.  I'm glad this happened, even though it turned out this way, because...well, because now I've let it out.  My soul is at peace.  I know you probably won't want to see me again, not after this, so goodbye, Elim Garak."

Garak reached out and touched the screen just as Julian's image blinked out.  "No, Julian," he said to the blank screen, "I didn't mislead you. I do love you.  How do I make you believe me?  How can I get you back, back into my arms?  Help me."  He sighed and placed that message to Dax.  He needed her help now more than ever.  He took a deep breath and started to speak.   "Dax-Jadzia-I need your help.  Julian doesn't believe I really love him.  I need to convince him that I do, but how?'

********

Dax stormed towards Julian's quarters.  She walked in without even bothering to announce her presence.  The doctor came out of the bedroom, ready to complain, but when he saw Dax, and how angry she was, stopped.  "Jadzia, is there anything wrong?  Can I help you?"  He was taken by surprise when she pushed him down on the sofa.  The Trill was stronger than she looked!

"How can you be so stupid?  Don't you realize what you've done?"  Julian shook his head mutely, amazed by the sight of Dax, who was rarely bothered by anything, completely wrapped in anger,  "Well then, let me tell you.  You've just managed to hurt the man who loves you more than anything!"

At this, Julian found his voice.  He raised his head and, eyes blazing, said, "Love me?  He doesn't even acknowledge my presence! He walks away from me whenever we come close to meeting!  How can you possibly say he loves me?"

"I can say it because it's true.  He got your message and called me, me because he thought that your words were meant to hurt him!"

"I never meant to hurt him!  I only wanted to let him free out of a potentially sticky situation.  I wanted him to know that I didn't hold it against him.  I know that he only feels pity for me, not love.  And I wish to God that it wasn't so, that he did love me!"

"He loves you, Julian.  You want to know how much?  He cried Julian.  He cried because he was hurt, and because he thought that he had hurt you as well."

"He did hurt me!  If he truly loves me, why didn't he try to talk to me?  To see me, to communicate?  Why did he avoid me at every opportunity?"

Dax backed to the door and opened it.  "I'll just bring him in and he can tell you himself."

"No, Jadzia, wait!"  But it was too late.  Garak was shoved through the door and Dax disappeared.  Julian looked at him, and then turned away.  "Please go, Garak. I'm sure you don't want to be here."

Garak stared at Julian's back.  "Why do you say that?"

Julian spun around and looked at him, a world of anger and hurt in his eyes.  "Because it's pretty clear to me that you've been avoiding me.  Evading every opportunity to talk!  Are you that ashamed of what happened?  That disgusted by the fact that I love you and that you said the same, even if it was to placate me?"  He sighed, his anger falling away.  Tears fell down his face.  "At first I thought we just weren't on the same schedules.  That you were very busy.  But then, the first time I saw you actually run from me, do you know what I wished?"  Not even waiting for an answer, he continued.  "I wished that I had died.  Death would've been better than knowing-this."  Julian fell to his knees sobbing and whispered, "Just go away."

Garak's heart constricted.  "I hadn't realized," he whispered softly, then louder, "I hadn't realized.  I had no idea that that was what I was doing to you.  Julian," Garak knelt and took the crying human into his arms.  "Julian I love you.  Completely and totally, with all my heart and soul.  I had avoided you for a reason.  I was afraid that your words were brought on by stress, by a desire to blot out violence with love, even if it was imagined.  But now I know.  I know you love me as much as I love you.  And I am glad you lived.  If you hadn't, a part of me, the best and most vital part of me, would've died too.  Please believe me."

Julian looked up and saw the tears falling from Garak's eyes.  'Crying?  He wouldn't cry, unless...'  "Oh, Elim," he whispered, and took Garak's hand in his own.  "What a fool I've been."

"What fools we've both been," Garak corrected gently.  He cradled Julian against him and laid his lips on the doctor's soft hair.  When Julian pulled back, Garak was startled.  "What's wrong, beloved?"

"Nothing, really.  Only-do you realize how badly I want to kiss you now?"

"Then, by all means, please do."  Julian smiled at the Cardassian's teasing, and then his smile melted into an expression of total love.

"Mine, now and forever," he whispered, then leaned forward and pressed his lips to Garak's gently.  Garak leaned into the kiss, running his tongue over the doctor's lips.  Julian moaned and opened his mouth to the gentle caress.  His hands roamed over Garak's body, grazing the back and shoulders, and reaching up to touch the ridges of his face.  Garak drew back, amazed.

"Do you know what you're doing?" he asked Julian hoarsely.  "Are you sure that you want to do this?  Are you ready?  I know you had doubts.  I don't want to hurt or push you into anything."

"Garak, I want you.  I want you to make love to me.  Now...and forever.  Please. I love you."

Garak kissed Julian, more urgently this time, and set himself about the task of removing the doctor's clothing.  As more and more of Julian's skin was exposed to his touch, Garak became more and more frustrated.  Finally, his hands past operating things like buttons, he just ripped Julian's shirt off him.  Julian looked at him with laughter in his eyes.

"Impatient, aren't we?" he asked, laughing.  Garak looked at him coolly.

"Yes, and I'll do the same thing to my own clothes if you don't hurry up and undress me."

"Well, we can't have that."  Julian swiftly removed Garak's clothes, and immediately began caressing his chest, working lower until the doctor's slender fingers encountered his hard cock.  Julian began rubbing it slowly, enjoying the feel of it.  Garak growled and yanked his hand away. 

"Why did you do that Garak?"

"Because if you do, I'll come too soon and I want to love you properly."

"Elim, you are loving me properly.  We have all night...tomorrow, all the tomorrows you want.  Just being here with me is enough.  Trust me."

"I do."  Julian's eyes widened at the simple, but heartfelt confession.  He gently pushed Garak so that he was lying on the floor with Julian on top of him.

"I trust you too.  Let me show you how much."  He bent down and began trailing a path of kisses down the tailor's writhing body from head to toe.  He started at the indentation on Garak's forehead, taking his time to lick and nibble it thoroughly.  Garak's moans and writhing left little doubt as to whether or not he enjoyed it.  From there, Julian placed a lingering kiss on Garak's lips, and then moved down to nibble and bite on his neck.  Then Julian moved to the Cardassian's nipples.  He enjoyed himself there for a while until Garak started threatening that he was going to come.  Julian quickly kissed his stomach and arrived at Garak's hard heat.  There he had to stop and worship.

"Elim, you are beautiful," he whispered, just before he took the erect and aching cock into his mouth.  He licked it teasingly before he settled down to some serious sucking.  Garak let out a scream as he came, unable to hold out against Julian's talented mouth. 

"Oh, Julian, that was..."  Garak stopped and smiled.  "Beyond words."

"I'm glad you liked it."

Garak glanced down and saw the Julian was in quite a state.  "Oh, dear, you seem to have a problem."

"One that can be easily remedied, I believe, Elim."

"Are you asking?"  Garak ran his fingers up and down Julian's cock lightly, just enough to create sensations, but not enough to truly stimulate.  Julian moaned and arched up to try to create more friction.  Garak withdrew his hand.  Julian whimpered in protest.  "Tell me what you want," Garak said, relishing the power he had over the lithe form beside him.

"You...need you..." Julian was barely coherent.

"Then you'll have me."  Garak bent his head and licked the tip of Julian's cock, then took it full into his mouth.  Julian writhed in pleasure as Garak sucked him firmly.  He was rewarded as Julian came hard, shooting down his throat.  Garak swallowed eagerly, enjoying the salty taste.

Julian simply laid there a minute, spent.  Finally he lifted his head an inch and whispered, "I know what you mean.  There are no words to describe it."  He looked down and saw that Garak was hard again.  He chuckled.  "Such enthusiasm, my love."

"All for you, Julian.  Remember that."

"Oh I will.  And now...what would you like to do," he gestured to Garak's renewed erection, "about that?"

"Well, I'd like to make love to you."

"Pardon me-my hearing must've been affected my that mind-shattering orgasm I just had-but I could've sworn that was exactly what we were doing."  Garak looked at him and ran his finger over the entrance to Julian's body.  Julian blushed.  "Oh," he said softly.  He swallowed and said, "If that's what you want, and turned over, trying to relax.

"It?s what I want.  Believe me."  Garak took his time, afraid to hurt his lover.  Humans were *so* fragile.  Carefully, he entered Julian, and took him, slowly and gently. There would be time to teach him the fun in rough later.  Finally he came, almost screaming with the force of his orgasm.  Genlty he drew Julian close and whispered,  "Was it good for you?"

Julian chuckled.  "It was and you know it."  HE snuggled into Garak?s arms and sighed.  "I feel so safe, here with you," he said.

Garak?s arms tightened.  "You?ll always be safe here with me," he said, making a promise.  "Always.  No more fear."

"Never," agreed Julian.  The two men fell into sleep, with the stars smiling on them.

**********

The End