Disclaimers:  Everyone in this story belongs to Paramount, but the idea sprang from my own head.  No infringement on anyone's rights was intended.  This is rated PG-13 for mild m/m contact, namely kissing.  If you are underage or if this sort of thing offends you, then leave now while you still can!

Pairing: G/B

Synopsis:  What if Julian was suicidal after his enhancements were discovered?

Spoilers:  Small, but they exist, for "Dr. Bashir, I Presume."  If you haven't seen it, I suggest you do.

A Reason To Live

Garak rang the chime outside of Dr. Julian Bashir's quarters and waited for an answer.  When none came, he was both curious and a little disturbed.  Since the news of Julian's 'enhancements' had broken, the good doctor had become a virtual recluse in his quarters.  He rang again, and still got no answer.  Heaving a sigh, Garak overrode the door's locks and went in.

The first thing that struck the tailor was the dark.  There was no illumination in the room except for the starlight, and the occasional burst of light from the wormhole.  The next thing was the haunting melody sounding throughout the cabin.  He strained to hear it, but couldn't quite catch the words.  Finally, he spotted the object of his search. 

Julian was stretched out on his back on the sofa, one arm flung over his eyes.  Without looking up, he said, "Whoever it is, I'm fine, I don't need any company, anyone to talk to, *anyone* at all.  I'd appreciate it if I could jut be left alone."

Garak was shocked by the doctor.  Not the words, those he'd expected, but the tone.  He sounded dead, disconnected from himself.  'Not that I blame him; he's been rejected by everything dear to him.  His parents don't care about the man himself, Starfleet seems to regard him as a nuisance to be tolerated because there is a need for him, and some of his friends haven't expressed any desire to try and understand.'  With a sigh, the tailor said, "Doctor, I don't think that this is doing you any good.  Maybe you should try--"

"Try what exactly, Garak," Julian cut him off with an angry snarl.  "Try to live when my life has suddenly become an added complication to this whole mess?  Try to understand why I've been spared when by all rights I should be in that cell with my father."  Julian sighed, and said quietly, almost so low Garak couldn't hear him, "My mask is gone, I'm done fooling my heart, but it hurts."

This last statement intrigued Garak.  "What are you referring to, Doctor?"

"Me-the way I was before.  I had worn a mask of sorts, one designed to let nobody close to me...to the secret I held in my heart.  I tried to pretend for so long that I wasn't fooling myself, that this is how it is and it could continue forever that way.  I was sure that as long as nobody ever found out, I would be happy.  And I was.  But it wasn't me.  Now the charade is over...and I find that I don't know myself anymore."  He swung around to look Garak in the eye.  "It's not a pleasant feeling--having to discover just who I am all over again.  I don't seem to fit anymore, Garak!  I don't know who I am anymore.  Things can't go back to the way they were, I know that.  But, I wonder...."

Garak looked at him with alarm.  He didn't like the way Julian's thoughts were turning.  "What do you wonder, my dear doctor?"

Julian let out a sound that could've been laughter--or a suppressed sob.  "I wonder...is it worth it?  Is it worth making a new life?  I don't know if I have the strength anymore."  He came over to Garak and stood very close to him, dark eyes staring into blue eyes.  "I don't wonder why you insist on keeping your secrets anymore.  I had always felt that it was worse to keep things walled up inside.  Well, I was wrong.  As hard as it is to keep up those walls, it's even harder to feel them come crashing down and laid open for scrutiny."  He smiled sadly and turned away.  You're a stronger man than I, Garak."

The tailor was alarmed.  It seemed as if Julian was just...giving up.  He realized that the best thing to do at this point was to keep him talking.  "Why ever do you think that, my dear doctor?"

"Simple.  You know it's better to keep the barriers up.  You don't give in to the temptation to tell about yourself.  You know better."  Julian let out a sad sigh.  "I, on the other hand, always felt it would be better to let things out.  Now I know.  I know the pain.  Garak, would you do me a favor?"

Garak was taken aback by the complete change in the doctor's voice and demeanor.  He had gone from hopelessness to hope in a second.  "If I can, I won't promise anything," he responded warily.

"Oh, you can.  It won't hurt you at all.  Just do this."  Julian leaned down and picked up a small box off the floor.  "I was just going to leave this for you, but this will be better for both of us.  Closure, I guess."  Julian opened the lid, took something out, and then closed it again, handing it to Garak.  "This is yours, now.  Here is the favor I wanted.  I want you to take this, leave, and don't come back."

Garak looked at him uncomprehendingly.  Then he looked into Julian's hands and saw exactly what he had removed from the box.  A knife.  It all made sense then.  "Doctor," he began, and then stopped.  It didn't sound right.  "Julian," he tried again.  "I don't know if you realize what you are doing."

Julian turned to look at the tailor, a sense of purpose in his eyes.  "Oh, yes I do.  I've been prepared for this since I was fifteen, since I learned my secret.  I never thought it would be this easy, but it is.  I had always thought that should this ever happen, I would have something, someone to live for, to keep me here.  But I don't.  Friends yes, even though most of them don't know what to do with me anymore, but love?  The only thing that could keep me here is knowing that someone loved me, but you see how that has worked out.  I have nobody now, Garak.  In a way, I am as much of an exile as you, but, unlike you, I know I can never go home.  You have that hope.  I don't.  And I don't want to live knowing that my life is...empty."  With that, Julian sighed, picked up the knife, and then looked at Garak as if just realizing he was still there.  "You might want to go now, unless you want to watch a stupid man do the only smart thing left."

Garak was enraged.  That Julian thought that there was nobody to love him....  'Doesn't he know?  Doesn't he know how I feel--how much I love him?  Or has he truly stopped caring?'  He looked over at Julian, who was just about to stab himself.  Without a thought to his own safety, Garak lunged over and knocked the knife out of Julian's hands before it could penetrate his flesh.  The tailor's momentum knocked the doctor to the floor.  Garak pinned him down and looked deep into Julian's dark eyes.

"Now you listen," he growled at Julian.  "I know your life seems useless now, but it won't always.  Your friends are distant, maybe, because *you* pushed them away.  Did you ever think of that?  Did you ever even try to regain a good relationship with them?  And no love?  That, my dear doctor, is absurd.  Don't you know?  Well, I'll spell it out for you.  I love you, Julian.  Love, that word isn't strong enough for how I feel about you!"  Garak pulled back a little to try and gauge the reactions he had produced.

Julian looked up at the tailor, a mixture of hope and fear on his face.  "Truly, Elim," he asked quietly.  Garak looked a little shocked at the use of his first name, but recovered.

"Truly, Julian.  With everything in me, I love you."

Julian looked at him in amazement.  "I never dared to hope....  Oh, Elim, I love you too.  I always have.  I thought that you didn't want me."

Garak gazed into those dark eyes, eyes that he had fallen for the first time he looked into them.  "Let me show you how," Garak said, and leaned over and kissed Julian.  As their lips met, Garak noticed a shadow that had been present in Julian's eyes had fled, to be replaced by love and hope.  They weren't so desperately alone anymore--they had each other now.

--THE END--