Ruminations

By: Elizabeth Dunn

Disclaimer: Not mine, you know the drill, etc.

Author's notes: Pretty much contains spoilers for the whole second season, with my own fixes :).  Not really *slash*, per se, but there is some subtext.  Be warned!  I'm writing this to try and justify my faith in Casey, and to explain some of what I think is in his mind, and Dan's mind if I can.  At least, that's how I hope this works out.  Feedback is always appreciated when offered in good spirit.

Author's note #2: I know this is already up there, but I am reposting this to try and correct the formatting error that occurred the first time I tried.  If that bothered you, I'm sorry.  I hope it works this time. If not, I give up! :)

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Casey McCall stared out his apartment window at the rain and wondered when exactly his life had started going wrong.  He had thought life was looking up when Dana and Gordon broke off their engagement, that it had reached the height when he and Dana had finally kissed.  But then there was Dana's 'epiphany,' and, somehow, things had changed....

He still loved Dana, of course, but was it the same?  As Casey watched the rain fall, he realized that his feelings had been changing, slowly, so slowly that he hadn't realized it at first, but he didn't love her in the same way any more.  Casey tried to think back, to when his feelings had started to change.  It had to be the 'panty incident.'

That was what started it all.  At first, he had thought that Dana's six-month idea was crazy, but he had been willing to go along with it.  Then, when she left her panties in his desk, well, at first he had been elated.  She really did want him.  It was later that night, safe at home, that he had started to think about it.  Really, all she was doing was playing with him.  He didn't like that feeling, that she was playing him like a fish on a line, giving him the slack of the line, but occasionally pulling on it, reeling him in, just to show him who was in charge.  To be frank, he was getting pretty tired of it.  And he really had no idea what to do next.

Casey got up and began pacing.  The same familiar path he had taken in the days right after his separation, when he had first moved into the apartment, agonizing over Lisa.  Now it was Dana who occupied his thought, Dana that had gone from a reason for happiness to an additional problem in so short a time.  Just as he had never been able to pinpoint when his relationship with his ex-wife had gone sour, the same thing was happening with Dana now, the woman who he had met through his ex.  Maybe that was his problem.  He needed to break away from women who were relicts of his life with Lisa.  Yeah, and while he was at it, maybe he should just stop dating women at all.

Abruptly, his thoughts of Dana turned to thoughts of Danny.  His best friend, savior, anchor, and godsend.  There was another person who he had complicated thoughts and feelings about, but he had never tried to touch too much on them, for fear of finding out something that he didn't really want to know.  Grasping at straws, trying to distract himself from Dana, he allowed his mind to grasp the subject of Dan.  What was so confusing about the man anyway?  On the surface, Dan seemed like a pretty simple guy, but underneath, there were many other levels to the man.  And that was what Casey was so afraid of.

It was that very depth that was so frightening.  Casey often felt that if he stayed on the surface with himself, he wouldn't get hurt.  That was probably why it took him so long to recognize when a relationship was going bad, because he didn't always want to do the soul-searching that went into a failing relationship.  Dan, however, was never afraid to explore those deeper levels, at least when it came to Casey.  One thing the man didn't have was a fear of the unknown.  It had been Dan who picked up on all the signs that Casey was miserable with Lisa, that Casey had been depressed when he refused to admit it to himself, and, pretty soon, that Dan-radar would probably pick up Casey's doubts about Dana.  For a second, he felt a sense of perverse pride in discovering something about himself before Danny had, but that was wiped out when he thought of how Dan had looked that night, the night of Abby.

For the first time in a long time, Dan wasn't the happy-go-lucky man he presented to the world.  Whatever had happened with that woman, it obviously had touched something deep in Danny, some level that hadn't been reached before, and it scared him, that was obvious.  For the first time, Dan didn't talk to Casey, about his date, something that was unheard of.  Not for the first time, Casey wondered what exactly had been done to Dan, and he felt a wave of fury wash over him for his friend's hurt.

Casey stopped, frozen by the emotion that had welled up in him.  Fury.  Anger, sure, he'd always been angry whenever something hurt his friend-look at how he had felt when Rebecca had left Dan to try and work things out with her husband--but fury seemed a little...strong, for a reaction for a friend.  A lover, sure, he had been furious every time something or someone had hurt Lisa.  Wait, *lover*?  Since when had he started to think of Dan as a lover?  He didn't even like men...did he?

Not *men*, no, but apparently Danny.  For a second, he allowed himself to wonder what it would be like to be loved by Dan, to feel the passion that he held to those beloved to him directed at him.  Casey shook his head trying to dispel that train of thought, but it wasn't working.  For the first time, consciously at least, he allowed himself to truly analyze what exactly it was that he felt for Dan.  And there it was.  Plain as day and a lot brighter as well.  He had been going through life thinking that it was Dana he loved romantically and Danny he loved as a friend.  But now, in a few short minutes of rarely allowed introspection, he realized what he was trying to hide from himself, had been hiding for God knows how long.  It was Danny he loved, and Dana he should've kept only as a friend.  In another burst of clarity, he realized that, maybe was why he had fought Dana's six-month plan so rabidly.  Not necessarily because he *wanted* to date her, but to keep himself from making this discovery.  Idly, he wondered if Dana had realized this on some level for herself, but the buzzing at his door interrupted the thought.  For once forgetting all of his New York City safety rules, he opened the door without bothering to check who it was, mostly because he knew, on a gut level, who was there.

"Danny. Hi."

Dan stood at the door with a couple of six-packs in his hands.  "Case.  I know it's late, but I was thinking...."  He trailed off, unsure of what to say.

"That we need to talk?" Casey suggested gently.  Dan nodded.

"Well, yeah.  I mean, this whole thing with Dana, and Abby, and...well, you know.  Stuff."

"I do know.  Come in.  I think we need to talk too."  Casey drew Dan inside and shut the door, knowing that, whatever else came out of tonight, his and Dan's relationship would never be the same again.  He would make sure of that himself because, hey, things can't stagnate, they have to move on. 

They sat down and Dan said, "Well, you know how I was supposed to go on a date with Abby?  And how I didn't want to talk about it afterwards?  Well, you see...."

And as they began to talk, working through all of their demons, thoughts, hopes,  and dreams, the rain still gently fell, but Casey could see a rainbow in the distance.

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The End

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