• "Me winning isn't, you do."
  • "What are you doing in this nape of the woods...neck of the way...how come you're here?"
  • "My uncle says you've got a screw loose.... Your uncle molests collies."
  • "Don't sell yourself short Judge. You're a tremendous slouch!"
  • "We have a pool and a pond."
    "The pond would be good for you."
  • "Oof. Did someone step on a duck?"
  • "In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre: au revoir gopher."
  • "People say that I'm an idiot because all I do is cut lawns for a living."
    "Oh, people don't say that as far as you know."
  • "Ty, I didn't see your name on the club registry this year...I thought you'd be the man to beat this year."
    "I guess you'll just have to keep beating yourself!"
  • "Would you come loofah my stretch marks?"
  • "The Zen philosopher Basho once wrote 'a flute without holes is not a flute and a donut with no hole is a danish.' He was a funny guy."
  • "This is the worst looking hat I ever saw. I bet you buy a hat like this and you get a free bowl of soup! Oh, it looks good on you though."
  • "Danny, See your future, be your future ... ma, make, make it. I'm a veg, Danny."
  • "Wait up girls, I got a salami I've got to hide still."
  • "I'm sure you were something before electricity. Hey, you wanna make $14 the hard way?"
  • "Ugh, the people here ... look at that one! The last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it!"
  • "This steak still has marks where the jockey was hitting it."
  • "Mr. Webb, Can I ask you something?
    "Shoot Timmy"
    "That's Danny sir."
    "Danny."
    "Did you ever have trouble deciding what you wanted to be"
    "No, I never had that problem."
    "Did you ever have to take that Kuder Preference test in high school."
    "Sure, it said I was going to be a fire watcher. What are you supposed to be?"
    "An Underacheiver."
    "You take drugs, Danny?"
    "Every day."
    "Good. So whats the problem?"
    "It's just my dad, I don't think he'll have enough money to put me through school."
    "Wait a minute Danny, what did I give you yesterday? $2.50? I can't be footing the bill for everything around here."
    "My dad wants me to work in a lumber yard for the rest of my life."
    "What's wrong with lumber? I own two lumber yards."
    "I notice you don't spend much time there."
    "I'm not quite sure where they are."
  • "I want a hamburger, no a cheeseburger, I want a hot dog...
    "You'll get nothing and like it!"
  • "We can do that. We don't even need a reason."
  • "Well, the world needs ditch diggers too."
  • "So we finish 18 and he's gonna stiff me and I say: 'Hey Lama, hey how about a little something, you know, for the effort?!' And he says: 'There'll be no money, but when you die, on your deathbed you will receive total consciousness.' So I got that going for me, which is nice."
  • I've sent boys younger than you to the gas chamber...didn't want to do it. I felt I OWED it to them.

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