• "All it took was a phat chronic blunt."
  • TS: But they're engaged.
    Brodie: Doesn't matter, can't happen.
    TS: Why not? It's bound to come up.
    Brodie: It's impossible, Lois could never have Superman's baby. Do you think her fallopian tubes could handle the sperm? I gurantee you he blows a load like a shotgun right through her back. What about her womb? Do you think it's strong enough to carry her child?
    TS: Sure, why not?
    Brodie: He's an alien, for christ sake. His Kyrptonian biological makeup is enhanced by earth's yellow sun. If Lois gets a tan the kid could kick right through her stomach. Only someone like Wonder Woman has a strong enough uterus to carry his kid. The only way he could bang regular chicks is with a kryptonite condom, and that would kill him.
    TS: How is it that I go from the virdge of hot Floridian sex with Brandi to man-of-steel coital debates with you in the food court?
    Brodie: Cookie stand is not part of the food court.
    TS: Of course it is.
    Brodie: The food court is downstairs, the cookie stand is upstairs, it's not like we're talking quantum physics.
    TS: The cookie stand counts as an eatery, eatery is part of the food court.
    Brodie: Bullsh*t, eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs qualify as foodcourt, anything outside of said designated square is considered an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now if your going to wax intellectual on the subject....
  • Jay: You're kidding, the easter bunny did this? He's f*cking dead.
    Brodie: All I said was that the bunny at the Menlo Park mall was more convincing.
  • Gwen: Brodie, do you remember that costume party in high school?
    Brodie: Might that have been the one where you f*cked Rick Derris on a pool table?
    Gwen: How is it that guys remember the most trivial events.
    Brodie: How could I forget, I mean how many times do you get to see Smokey f*ck the Bandit?
    Gwen: Didn't I look just like Burt Reynolds?
    Brodie & TS: Except for the mustache.
  • Brodie: Have you ever slept with somebody?
    Gwen: Yeah.
    Brodie: No, I mean really slept with them, not just f*cked them on a gaming table.
  • Renee: Brodie, I've always taken you with a grain of salt. On your birthday, when you told me to do a striptease to the theme of "Mighty Mouse," I did it. On prom night at the hotel when you told me to sleep under the bed in case your mother barged in, I did that too. And even during my grandmother's funeral when you told my relatives that you could see her nipples through her burial dress, I let that slide. But if you think I'm gonna suffer any of your sh*t with a smile now that we're broken up, you're in for some serious f*cking disappointment!
  • Brodie: You're going to listen to something I said? Haven't I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know sh*t?
  • Brodie: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned for Sega.
  • Brodie: My grandmother always said, "Why buy the cow...when you get the sex for free."
  • Brodie: Usual vault rules apply: Touch not, lest ye be touched.
  • Brandi: Which of the following is your kiss most like: a gentle breeze, a firm handshake, or a jackhammer?
    Gill Hicks: Definitely a jackhammer. I'm in there with some pressure, and by the time I'm done, you're not the same. You're changed.
    Brodie: Where do you come up with this sh*t? That is the cheesiest response to an honest question I've ever heard! I saw you kiss and it's nothing like that.
    Gill Hicks: Who did you see me kiss?
    Brodie: Some guy backstage. He didn't seem impressed.
    Gill Hicks: Wait a minute. I didn't kiss any guy. I'm not gay.
    Brodie: Miss suitorette, suitor number 3 is a homophobe. Do you want to go out with a hatemonger?
    Gill Hicks: I don't hate gay people!
    Brodie: So you love them.
    Gill Hicks: Yes! I mean...
    Brodie: Textbook closet case...can't be comfortable with his own sexuality.
  • Brodie: One time my cousin Walter got this cat stuck in his ass. True story. He bought it at the local mall, so the whole fiasco wound up on the news. It was embarassing for my relatives and all. But the next week, he did it again. Different cat, same results, complete with a trip to the emergency room. Then, last week, I saw him in the pet store. He was buying another cat! I said, "Walt, what the hell are you doing, you know you're just gonna get this cat stuck up your ass too, why don't you knock it off?" And he says to me, "Brodie, how the hell else am I supposed to get the gerbil out?" My cousin was a weird guy.

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