If I could put time in a bottle, some jerk will just put a lime in it.
That sex is a weapon... and I'm walking around unarmed.
That all that glitters is not gold... except on the Home Shopping Channel.
That trials are longer than sentences.
That good health shows a lack of imagination.
A Man's home is his hassle.
That if you can wake up and smell the roses, you've been buried alive.
That a working vacation makes as much sense as a safe celibacy.
That it's not really mail if Ed McMahon's picture is on it.
That non-fiction is stanger than Self-help.
That if you can't say anything nice, run for mayor.
If life is a mystery, who are the suspects?
That truth (and a huge inheritance) will set you free.
That if Art Modell went to hell, Satan's out of a job.
That the shortest point between two points is a bookie
That running a marathon proves you can do something, but then, so would doing something.
That it's scary to think the best man won.
That time flies, but quality time travels first class.
That the best you can say about some people is that they're biodegradable.
That the trouble with food for thought is that you're hungry again a hour later.
That a chip on the shoulder is a sure sign of a blockhead.
Worry is like a rocking horse... It's something to do that usually gets you nowhere.
The jealous man soon learns to hate.
If you want to know a man, find out what makes him mad.
A politician can borrow $20; pay back $10 and declare you're even as you both lost $10.
A loud mouth and a shallow brain go well together.
Some men are like the sky. The only time they're quiet is when they're blue.
Some people are just about as happy as they've made up their minds to be.
A brave man never admits courage. A coward doesn't admit fear.
A wishbone is no substitute for a backbone.
Lightning does the work. Thunder takes the credit.
The person who can't take a word of criticism hears it the most.
Blood is thicker than water, but it makes a terrible iced tea.
Where I work I can name my own salary. I call mine Bob.
You can lead a man to water, but you can't make him hit the bowl.
If we can't enforce the laws we have now, why make more?
If we men could have periods, we'd brag about the size of our tampons.
Kato Kaelin - proof that Ginger and Gilligan had sex.
You can guage someone's socio-economic status by their familiarity to
"city chicken".
A softball game (and usually the score) can be determined by how many players with blue jeans each team has.
If you bought it at Radio Shack, it's already broken.
The one word phrase "whatever" will always get your girlfriend mad.
Getting old is where a narrow waist and a broad mind change places.
The only
advantage to living in the past in that the rent is cheaper.