"What now?" you have the gall to ask. Well,
it goes like this: You are fucked unless you know how to act in
the face of the law. Here are some handy-dandy tips on what to
do in the event that you are, one day.....
Chances are that you will one day be en route to a second or
third party destination or club for the evening, and having
tossed back one or twelve, are pretty ripped. Chances also are,
with your bad luck, you're gonna get pulled over for swerving
back and forth across the road, running a stop light, speeding,
roaling over a line of school children, et cetera.
The thing to do here is remain calm and in control of yourself
at all times. Do not even think of stopping at
the sign of police lights and a siren or two. This can only get
you further into shit with your parole officer, especially with
your tendency to slober and moan when drinking. So, at the first
sign of law enforcement, look for a side road or exit if on a
highway. At the first sign of an escape route, slowly decellerate
to fool Jon Q. Law, veer to the side of the road, and then floor
it like a motherfucker to the exit. Don't let up on the
accellerator.
If no out can be found, follow the slowing procedure, except
pull all the way off the road, stop, and wait for the officer to
exit his vehicle. As you see the door opening, put the car into
reverse, and when the officer is fully visible and walking
towards your car, once again, floor it like a motherfucker, and
aim for the cop. If you hit him, put it in park, get out, take his gun,
finish the job you started, and get inside his squad car.
About where the rear-view mirror of a regular car would be,
you will notice an elaborate video system. Remove the system,
and destroy it. Pop open the trunk of the vehicle, and remove the
VCR from the top of the hood. Destroy this as well. If you
choose to disband the pistol, wipe your fingerprints off, and
jettison it into the shoulder. Put your vehicle in Drive, and take
off to your destination. Congrats, and have fun!
Back Up
Busted In Attendance at a
Party
Your mother told you to be carefull about who you consort
with, and of course you gave her the ole', "yeah, whatever," all
through your formative years. Well, turns out she was right
again, eh chap? It seems the shady characters at the party you
were in attendance to have a knack for drawing the law's
attention to their get-togethers. Now you are faced with that
law as a member of the party. If you have been drinking and are
under 21, or you are at a drug fest, you know what that sinking
feeling is; it's the feeling you get when you're bowels spill into
your pants.
In this situation, it is very important to assess the following things:
If you are alone, or there are only a few others in the frying
pan along with you, this method will obviously only succeed in
freaking out everyone else in attendance to turning you in. So,
here we have the alternative of running the hell away as fast as
you can. Never run at an officer, this is assault and grounds for
either a fist or tazer, leaving your attempts at escape thwarted.
Search for an exit, a good way to ensure this is using the old fire
safety rule of finding and mapping out two exits when you get to
the party. If one is blocked, use the other.
If worse comes to worse, and you cannot escape, wait and be
incarcerated. Use a false name, date of birth (preferably
younger than what you are), et cetera. Once an officer has taken
your name, and administered a chemical test and what not, he
could give shit where you are. At this point it is best you attempt
your escape. You can accomplish this by walking away behind the
officer when he is done with you. If there is only that officer,
which is rare, you could also try clubbing him over the back of
the knees. It is much easier to get away with this now, because
the fool has had a chance to rile everyone up at this gathering
to remembering why they hate the law, and they will be more than
happy to beat him bloody. If you choose to merely duck out the
door, run yourself stupid, and don't even think of ever going
into the post office again for a few months.
No matter which one you choose, you are guarunteed to be
liberated of the mess, so remember your mothers advice in the
future, and congrats on surviving!
Back Up
Your kleptomania sets in at the most unforgiving times, much
like that of diarhea, but no problems, becaue you're really good
at it, right? Well, technology has gotten the better of you in
this one, because it seems you forgot to take the tag off.
In this case you are more than likely still in the place of
business where you flubbed your escapade, awaiting for
assistance from police officials. Before the police are called is
the only real time to get out the situation cleanly and benefit.
Anytime after the call you are fighting time, and when the cops
get to you, the cuffs are the first thing they are going to do in an
effort to "scare you straight." So, as soon as you are caught,
throw the merchandise into the air, towards the agressor. This
is what they didn't expect, they expected you to steal, but they
never thought you'd hurl it back into their face. Another thing
you want to do is to knock over something, anything. Displays
that have been elaborately set up is great. This, again, creates
the disposition of "chaotic." This makes sure they take you out
of the store area to the back room or break room, so as to not
impede any of the other customer's shopping pleasure so they'll
buy more, and not leave so early.
On the way back, make sure to swipe something pointed or
jagged; this isn't really necessary since most offices have pens
or scissors lying around in plain view, but it helps cut down the
load of work once in the office. Once in the office, make sure
the door gets shut. Scan around for whatever video
survellience system they might have, and locate the telephone.
They will sit you down, and since you have been so problematic,
there will probably be another employee standing over you
keeping you in line. Now, if you didn't snatch something pointy,
locate it, and acquire it as quickly as possibly with the least
amount of effort or notice. Also note which hand the man is
using while writing or picking up the telephone.
They will ask you your name and number, parents names, ands
all that rott first if you're lucky. They could just go straight
for the telephone, and this means quicker progression of the
following actions: If a person is standing guard over you, he
needs to be dealt with first. Slash his neck right under his
adam's apple deeply. This creates a breathing problem, and hits a
major vein at the same time. If your aiming is very good, you could
just get an arterie.
Your warden reckoned with, the call maker is next in line. If
you are slow he will scream, but since you are an innocent shop-
lifter, he wasn't expecting at all you would become homicidal.
You have done the equivolent of R.J. Reynolds accepting liability
for some 2 million deaths of smokers. He is outright
dumbfounded, so take advantage of this. If he is right-handed,
you want to stab him hard in the left eye, and vice versa for a
lefty. Extract the object, and thrust it into his heart.
Now, if you saw any survellience equipment in the store,
locate the moniters and recording devices and destroy them.
Slowly exit the room, and leave the store. You have eluded your
arrest and incarceration for someting absolutely trivial,
congrats!
Back Up
This is only a small number of situations you might get into, being
the fuck up you are. If you have any suggestions or possibles,
send them to the Piss Drunken Cocks whom we all love and adore.
Just to insert this to absolve me of any possible legal responsibilities, this is *pure* sarcasm (drip, drip) and in reality, these would not be your
best options, or even options at all. The best way to get out of trouble is to stay out of
it. Eat your vegetables.