naked truth.

stardate:October.10.2000 (1 something in the morning)
i'm sick and my nose is very snotty. it's not good. i spent my day at work in a sudafed haze trying to distinguish my customer's voices with other thoughts going on in my head. it was hard. lots of stuff on my mind. i am really really really happy at this moment in time. i met a rad guy and we are having a lot of fun together. he's everything i could ever ask for.

i just wish he could take this flu away.

stardate:October.1.2000 (2:19 am)
got to my parent's house this morning with bedhead and a case of the blues. but tonight i'm feeling a little better. i went to the ephrata fair with my friend emily, and we binged on fair food and rode the zipper, flipping over about twenty times in a row as about twenty dollars in change fell out of my pocket and into the steel cage we were trapped in. 

so tonight i'm sleeping in a room that used to be mine. i never realized how dark this place is.  i'm used to noise now. music blasting as i pull the pillow over my head. lights streaming into my eyes as i squint them ohsotight.

goodnight. i'm sorry i couldn't come to see you. even if you don't believe it.

stardate:September.5.2000 (1:22 am)
"you know you were never the only one" she said with a hint of satisfaction in her eye. smiling over coffees as i gag on this surprise. pedaling as fast as my legs will take me, i ride into the night and try to escape this city. it was all over before i even made it. now moments that were so special are tainted with this news. i could scrutinize every hello and goodbye but for now i want the wind in my hair and the cityscape behind. jumping in this water would only dirty my skin and god knows i couldn't get much dirtier now that i know where he's been.

stardate:August.29.2000 (9:49 pm)
how i've neglected you my little webpage. i've been busy doing absolutely nothing. and loving every second of it. right now i'm very happy with my job but that's about it. it's horribly depressing, i know, and i'm working on it, believe me. i am planning a mini-vacation to boston at the end of the month. i've never travelled by myself but i know that it will all be worth it when i get to bean town. i haven't left philadelphia in a long time, and i think soon it might be time to say goodbye to my filthy stinky city. i'm pretty sure that my cat is suffering from some form of narcolepsy. don't laugh. she falls off of things constantly it's really starting to worry me. my roommate left at the beginning of the month so i'm all alone again. but i have a really nice neighbor who brings me bowls of ice cream and tells me when to shut my windows when it rains. god bless that man. it's funny to be on my own, and i've been on my own for two years.

i can't wait to go to boston! we're gonna paint the town red blue and orange.

stardate: March.28.1999 (1:24 am)
my stomach/is a lead ball/i feel disgustingly full, but all i've eaten today is a bagel slathered in peanut butter. not good. maybe i'm carrying too much. maybe i've been thinking about too many things/bottling too many things inside/mixing with the acids in my shrunken stomach/tossed around with french fries and chinese food. the summer should be very fun...staying in philly/getting a rad apartment/attending fun science classes. i'm gonna be studying chemistry every day at Temple. there's something about chemistry that fascinates me/mixing,coding,pushingpulling. that's what my stomach feels like/a big ol' science experiment.

stardate: March.22.1999 (1:25 am)
rain rain go away...puddles of water/memory/tears. pockets of my past keep haunting me these last few days/it's hard to handle. tonight at the promise ring show a lot of people from my home town were in attendance. it was good and bad...it seems like i have split into two seperate people/having a hard time deciding which one i like more. "philly" julie seems to be suiting me a bit more than "lancaster" julie. i'm glad that i will be staying here in the summer...i was fearing that i would go completely insane this summer if i went back home although i will have to go back a few days to go cliff jumping and tubing in the river. i don't think you can do that in philly...well you could, but you would probably grow a third arm or something from all the toxicity.

i feel guilty/for thinking about him/the city streets shine/reflections blazing into my retinas/holding a hand that is not his/kissing lips that do not taste like...so when i broke down that night/after you fell off your chair/collapsing into your arms/the scent of beer clouding my thoughts/i did not know what i was doing/and when i came over the following day/sat--legs curled to my shoulders/searching your coffee table for answers/i did not know what to say/i'm finding it hard to let go/to say goodbye to vegas and your smell...

stardate: March.12.1999 (1.41 am)
i'm back in amish country for spring break, and i am getting more and more depressed every day/part of it being the whole exboyfriends everywhere scene and the whole expanse of nothingness that surrounds my house/i did get to go to new york city the other day for the makeup.modestmouse.blonderedhead show and get a breath of "fresh" air but it wasn't enough time to drag myself into happiness again. it's like friends don't seem like friends anymore, being as much of a cliche as it sounds. so i sit here wishing i was either back in newjersey (back in his arms) or back in philly (back at home)/this isn't home anymore. i don't even have a fucking ROOM--my car doesn't feel the same since my parents started driving it around on errands--my friends only talk about how messed up they get at college, i don't really want to listen to them go on and on about that. i'd like to reminisce about when i actually felt like i belonged here. when i felt like this place was home. when i was truly happy about every single aspect of my life.

but if it was like that, i wouldn't have any poetry to write/so it can't be that bad, i guess. life goes on and you have to move on...be it willingly or unwillingly. no matter how much it hurts to be in a room with a person that knows every part of you.someone who could black mail you with all the dirt they have on you--and say nothing to them. it'll rip your heart to shreds. but that's were the best poetry comes from.